Some thoughts after seeing that art—the hidden trauma of Baz Pitch
Cynopoe’s riveting and heart-rending recent fan art of Baz hit me very viscerally when I saw it, much the same way that sentence affected me when I first read Wayward Son.
I think it is not uncommon for readers to perhaps focus on Simon’s considerable trauma and sometimes forget or minimise how truly troubled and damaged by it all Baz is too.
It’s obviously not a competition as to whose trauma is worse, but Baz manages to function and keep it hidden more than Simon does. They both have years of suppressing it but Simon, in the past, had the ability to vent some of his considerable energy and inner turmoil into the battles he fought against a host of magical creatures on behalf of the Mage,. He had the ability to release what he could not hold in by “going off.”
Simon chooses to not discuss his trauma at all, chooses not to think about it in Carry On and–as we find out with regard to his childhood in WS–suppresses it enough that he doesn’t even recall it clearly.
Baz, on the other hand, buries his trauma deep. It exists within him but he, as with many things in his life, attempts to exert an iron control over it. He remembers and allows himself internal monologues about the traumatic events that have shaped him, but he references them in a calm, at times almost detached, way. He keeps people at arms length. He does not reveal much to anyone, not even his family. Not to Fiona, who finds him in deplorable condition after the numpty kidnapping. Not to his father, who is concerned for his well-being. Not to Daphne, or his teachers, or as far as we know any of his classmates either. He projects a polished and unflappable exterior, one that he carefully curates over the years.
He forgets that the one time he didn’t keep it all in is the time Simon reached out to him with true intimacy.
He let Simon in. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, to cry in the car.
“His face is stone, and when we get out of London, tears start to fall from his eyes. He doesn’t wipe them or blink them away, so they streak down his cheeks and cling to his jaw.”(Chapter 60, Carry On.)
He admitted the long-held secret of his vampirism, verbalized the guilt still resonating from his mother’s death, admitted the deep fear he has that his mother would reject him as he is now.
He swings his wand and practically howls, spraying fire all around us. “This is what my mother would want from me, you idiot.” He sneers at me, baring his teeth–all of them. His canines are sharp as a wolf’s. “My mother died killing vampires,” he says. “And when they bit her, she killed herself. It’s the last thing she did. If she knew what I am . . . She would never have let me live.”
“She loved what I was!” he shouts. (Chapter 60, Carry On.)
He revealed the depth of his despair, even if it was only for a brief time.
"This is what I deserve.” (Chapter 60, Carry On.)
It’s the first time he lets his mask down completely. When he allows himself to be vulnerable, reveals the devastation and pain within him.
And Simon kisses him. Simon may be surprised later in Chapter 71, when Baz calls them both a mess, but that’s Baz letting him in again.
Revealing his vulnerability. Admitting what’s below the surface. The roiling mess of trauma that lives within him.
“What you are is a fucking tragedy, Simon Snow. You literally couldn't be a bigger mess.”
He tries to kiss me, but I hold back. “And you like that?”
“Because we match.” (Chapter 71, Carry On.)
And Simon forgets that again and again, which we see most notably in Wayward Son, with his inner monologues on how well Baz is doing, how he’s thriving.
“Baz is at uni now. Thriving.
Everything that happened with the Mage and the Humdrum just made Baz more of who he was meant to be. He avenged his mother. He solved the mystery that’s hung over him since he was 5. He proved himself as a man and a magician.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)
But even though Simon says that and intimates that he’s not enough for Baz anymore, that they don’t match, he still is observant enough that he comprehends that Baz is hurting inside. He just manages to get things a bit muddled in his assessment, assuming Baz is suffering because he’s staying with him rather than seeing that Baz is suffering because of the growing emotional and physical distance between them.
“But I hate to watch Baz suffer. I hate being the reason he suffers.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)
Baz has learned to suppress and cope and he’s really good at it. He’s had lots of practice. But Simon has spent a long time watching Baz and can tell that something is off. But he's not in a place where he can communicate with Baz and ask why, so he makes assumptions that are not accurate.
And with Simon falling apart, Baz doesn’t share his own personal mess because he’s so focused on caring for Simon.
“Bunce and I never leave him alone now if we can help it. We go to lectures, we study. (That’s what Bunce and I do. That’s who we are.) But there’s always one of us around–making Snow tea he won’t drink, sharing vegetables he won’t eat, asking questions he won’t answer . . . “ (Chapter 1, Wayward Son.)
I also think he doesn’t want to burden Simon with his own issues. He loves Simon so much and yearns to support him and be there for him. His own trauma feels lesser, compared to Simon’s, so he buries it again, forgetting that you can’t compare trauma. It is what it is, to each individual, and no one’s trauma trumps another’s.
Sharing it would actually bring them closer again, but he believes he has to be a positive support to Simon and can handle his own issues.
Baz ends up totally missing the point that keeping that to himself makes Simon feel they don’t match anymore, when in actuality they do!!
Inside they are both messes, desperately in need of therapy and love and communication and empathy, for and from each other.
Carry On was about the rise and fall of Simon Snow. Wayward Son was in theory more of Baz’s book. And in many ways it truly is. It’s revelatory for him in many ways, but Baz also goes through hell in Wayward Son. It’s easy to get caught up in Simon and his withdrawal, his depression, how changed he is.
The person who literally kept him alive, the person who makes him feel alive, is slipping away from him and he can’t figure out how to stop it. His dream came true and it’s slipping from his fingers.
Many readers said they felt Baz was out of character in Wayward Son: where was his snark, his sarcasm? I don't see that he was out of character. His most intense snark had been a self-protection, particularly against Simon. He HAS Simon now. His words are more playfully snarky and sarcastic than mean or bitter. This is a glimpse of the true Baz–the Baz who can be funny and protective, empathetic and caring, who has a soft heart but still loathes himself, under that posh and polished facade.
From “Things I hate, a list” (by Baz):
17. Being a vampire, if we’re being honest.
“There’s no safe time for me to see you, nothing about you that doesn’t tear my heart from my chest and leave it breakable outside my body.” (excerpts from Chapter 14, Wayward Son.)
But just as we see with Simon, an individual’s personality can undergo some changes when they are depressed or overly stressed or resigned to something that makes them unhappy.
And Baz is resigned in Wayward Son.
Resigned to the fact that he may lose the one person he’s wanted for so long, The person who brought him back from the brink. The relationship that has given him hope, made him feel alive, made him feel accepted and enough.
He doesn't think he’s enough anymore. Not enough to keep Simon afloat.
He takes all his cues from Simon. He is hyper-focused on Simon, as much as he ever was in Carry On but the difference is he’s also an exhausted and depleted caregiver who’s not caring for himself emotionally.
So his character really isn’t drastically changed, we’re just seeing Baz with some of the harsh edges blunted. And we are seeing a Baz who is holding himself together and carrying on, despite his own deep issues, because he wants to be there to support Simon.
It’s much the same with Penny: readers have commented that she behaves differently as well. She’s not out of character, in my opinion-she’s simply not dealt with her own trauma either. She may know it’s there, but she too is not dealing with it head on. She’s focusing more on Simon and Baz than herself.
“All right, so, yes, things haven't been going so well. And I should have been the one to see it coming.”
“So, yes, I knew that Simon had suffered–but I thought that winning would make up for it. I thought victory would be enough. That relief would fill in all those holes.”
“But it was a mistake thinking of that as an end. There is no end. Bad things happen, and then they stop, but they keep on wreaking havoc inside of people.” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)
She’s worn out and stressed but she’s desperate to help and support Simon, just as Baz is. Desperate enough to concoct a plan that’s actually not very well planned out because she’s at her wits end with regard to Simon.
“I know perfectly well that going on holiday isn’t going to magickally fix everything. (If there were a way to magickally fix this, I swear to Stevie I’d have figured it out by now.)” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)
And she’s worried about Baz.
They all know they are off their game but they don’t talk enough to figure out why. And they don’t want to burden each other with their own issues. They see how they are deteriorating but Baz and Penny don’t recognise it in themselves and Simon is so deep in his own morass of depression and damaged self-worth that he doesn’t really see the cracks in their facades.
So they struggle and misunderstand and muddle through it, but the love they all have for each other shines through.
"Baz rubs her back and lets her cry into his shirt. I love him so much, and I want to tell him so.” (Chapter 15, Wayward Son.)
“Then, in a rush of warmth and cedar and bergamot, he kisses my cheek. ‘Good night, Snow,’ he says.” (Chapter 17, Wayward Son.)
“I’d give him all that I am. I’d give him all that I was. I’d open up a vein.” (Chapter 41, Wayward Son.)
“Penelope sighs, leaning over the seat and Baz holds his wand to her mouth. ‘Kiss it better!”
“Basil, that’s a family spell!”
“Hush,” he says, kissing her cheek. (Chapter 64, Wayward Son.)
“Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?” (Prologue, Wayward Son.)
The trip to America is an attempt to break through Simon’s detachment and despair, but it manages to expose the fragile hold Penny and Baz have on their own suppressed trauma and the damage they have sustained from it and from burying it for so long.
We can’t forget that. Simon’s trauma and loss is immense and devastating and grabs our attention. But Baz has suffered greatly and is still suffering. His trauma may not be as evident as Simon’s in Wayward Son but it is as deep, abiding, and most definitely not adequately addressed by him or those around him.
tl;dr: Baz has sustained and is still dealing with a lot of trauma too.
(I basically sent a wall of text about this to @fight-surrender yesterday and she encouraged me to put it into a meta.)
(thanks @cynopoe for the heart-breaking art that spurred this post.)
