#annaleonhardt

[annaleonhardt]

031614@234AM

Idk man I just really fucking want to smoke. I know I shouldn't and I know I have major support systems down at second chance and a few friends and thats why I feel so damn guilty for wanting to smoke. Im gonna start looking for a job and all but im so fucked up that I already know once i get a job and the first paycheck iam GOING to use. I dont really want sobriety this time around because I likethe way I feel on it, just about life in general. Ive been hyper and stuff and act happy but its mostly to hide the sadness im really feeling and I feel so lost with my life and im going no where but I dont want to go to jail again. Idk what to do I just want to smoke and I get that my friends want to keep me clean but they don't know how hard it is. Going from using every day multiple times a day to not using at all especially. I feel pretty alone no matter how much people try to be there for me. And I feel pretty small.

[annaleonhardt]

I dont feel much life in my veins anymore. I feel so numbed of the pain, BY the pain. I wish someone would be down to drive me to the middle of no where and then take a walk with me. I need a person in my life. Someone who I am valuable to. Someone who thinks about me randomly throughout the day because we are best friends and that flower over there is my favorite, or that song that just came on the radio reminds them of a time we shared, or for no reason at all. I want to be able to sit in this world and be content because i am loved and everything else will flourish it's way into its rightful place. I sit empty and its hollow where I live. I need to get away.

[annaleonhardt]

It really fucking sucks not being able to say what you wanna say to somebody because you just can't and it doesn't even make sense because you don't even know why you can't and that's how you know that they will not understand those words. I wanna drink.

[annaleonhardt]

Its 3:56 AM on a Friday and i just want to fucking cry. I want to explode into a world where I will never have to feel again. I want to cry so much right now, why did it have to happen this way? Why? I fucking hate this so much. I just want to turn back and burn these memories of anything since. I hate this so much.  I hate this.

[annaleonhardt]

Waking up fucking sucks. Same feelings come back and you just gotta live with it, literally. Its either you choose to let yourself live with it or choose to kill yourself, there needs to be a better in between than smoking.

[annaleonhardt]

[annaleonhardt]

5:18 am the day after Christmas

Just no one. No one has any idea what I'm even going through..in my head. In my life. In my heart, in my personal life. Here I am, In a place where I don't belong no matter what anyone says. Here I am fucking getting high over and overand. Over and over again.. For what I think willbe a month straight tomorrow. I'll probably die alone and i will never be the same, I can already feel it...got a psychiatry appointment at 8, ellery is taking me. I just want to get high as shit but I I feel like the drugs don't work anymore,,,,,

[annaleonhardt]

Been up for hours picking at my face.   This cycle never ends, because the money always does.