Last night can only be described as terrible. I can only explain what happened by saying I snapped…I completely lost it. There was shaking and screaming and crying and bashing my head against the wall and cutting and blood and hating myself and wanting to die. There was a craving of a cold metal blade in my stomach, and the need to hold a gun to my head. I was in the dark of my room, begging for death, screaming at my mum that I wanted to die and had to be left alone; of course, I wasn’t left alone at all.
Today I’ve had to stay at home and be watched instead of going to school; apparently I don’t need to be dealing with the added stress of school, though I have an exam tomorrow that I haven’t revised for, and I can’t escape that. I guess I’ll just have to pull through it and hope I got at least one of the questions right. I just don’t know what’s happened to me regarding my school work; I’ve always been an over achiever, you know, good marks all the time; nothing’s ever really been much of a challenge. But now I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. I’m doing my GCSEs and I can’t revise at all…I just can’t. Nothing seems to make any sense anymore; I can’t remember anything I’ve already done and I can’t take in anything new. It’s like my mind has just turned to mush…even now, typing is a problem; I know the words I want to write, yet I’ve been pressing all the wrong buttons. Thankfully, due to the power of ‘backspace’ you won’t have to put up with my mistakes.
But really, it’s like I’m just brain dead; I can’t remember anything at all. Take last year for example: gone. I remember things that have happened, but I can’t see them. Like, you know when you remember something and you can just go back to that time and place in your head? You can see everyone and hear everything just like before? I can’t seem to do that. I can’t even remember yesterday. I’m terrified.
Today I received a message from a girl I used to go to school with. We were friends at primary school, but we never saw each other in secondary. She dropped out a while ago due to anorexia. If there’s one thing I can still see in my memory, it’s all those times I used to walk past her in the corridor, just seeing her drowning in her blazer because she had lost so much weight. I wanted so much just to go up and talk to her, and tell her everything will be okay, but you don’t just do that to someone you haven’t spoken to in years right?
Anyway, her mother and mine are friends, and through their conversations, I’ve heard how she’s been struggling, and now thankfully recovering. She sent me her message because she’s heard about the state I’m in. I too have developed and eating disorder, which I’m struggling to fight against. It’s like a battle against my mind; I’ve been starving myself to lose weight, cause when I look in the mirror I just want to die; I’m not happy with myself anymore. There’s a voice in my head that constantly tells me I shouldn’t eat, and that I’m fat, and if I eat anymore I’m just going to look worse. But I know it’s not healthy. I’m eating a little bit each day, because I’m taking multi-vitamins to boost my immune system, and I know the damage that can be done if you take them without any food. I know I’m not eating enough, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know; you can decide for yourself whether you think I have an eating disorder or not…for now I’ll just say I have the first signs?
On Friday I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist about my depression. A while ago I went to doctors to beg for medication; an assessment from a psychiatrist is required before I can be prescribed anything because I’m only 15. I’m scared. I’m scared that if I get anything, it will change me, and I don’t want that to happen. Neither does my boyfriend, I mean, how horrible would it be to see someone you love just change completely right in front of you, knowing you can’t do anything to change it? I’m scared that I’ll change and not see him the way I do now, and I don’t want that to happen. But if I don’t get anything, what will I do? I find it so damn difficult to talk to people, and in the end it just makes me feel worse, and so vulnerable. I’m scared that if I don’t get anything, I won’t be able to cope anymore; I’m barely managing as it is, and as much as I want it, deaths scares the life out of me. I just hope that whatever happens I’ll be fine in the end. I just want to me, but happy; I hate the fact that even faking a smile is so difficult, let alone actually meaning it.
My boyfriend is in Belgium for a few days on a school trip, so I won’t have anyone to talk to…to be honest I have no idea what I’m going to do to pass the time. I just need to hold on until Saturday which is when I’ll be able to see him again. He’s helped a lot with my depression, but we both know there’s only so much he can do. I worry about him so much though; he gets really depressed too, and even though I’ve been forcing myself to talk to him about things, he can’t bring himself to talk to me. I understand it, but I just want so much for him to be okay. If I could I’d take away all his pain and deal with it myself, but I guess that can't be done. He gets really bad paranoia at night too; I can only try to help him by talking on Facebook, which is nowhere near enough. There’s just so much I want to do for him; I can’t stand the thought of him feeling afraid or upset, but I just can’t seem to help. It makes me feel so useless; he does so much for me, and all I want to do is help him in return. I guess one day he’ll be ready to talk, even if it’s just a little bit. For now I’ll just continue doing all I can.
Anyway, seeing as this diary is becoming a lot longer than expected, I’ll draw it to a close now for today. To anyone who’s taken the time to read this, I thank you and truly appreciate it. In return, I offer all possible help and support I can give if you can relate to this in any way, and even if you can’t.
