I don’t know what made me not write about it. Maybe I’m just having trouble getting over the fact that it all passed me by so quickly. I can’t believe a week ago I was in California, and now I’m already back here, back into this lonely monotony.
Last Friday, I got up at 4am to fly to LA to visit a friend of ~2.5 years that I’d not met in person until that day. We spent the whole day together, and it was magical. I cried when he dropped me off at my hotel that night. How could I not? You wait that long to see someone, and even if you’re with them one whole day, it just can’t make up for the years you couldn’t physically be there together. He is such an amazing person though and I am so grateful he took a day off work just to show me around and take dorky tourist-y photos of me. I can’t wait til I can see him in person again.
Then, Saturday night, I saw BTS. I could write pages and pages about that experience. I spent the next couple days randomly sobbing out of the horribly bittersweet onslaught of emotions that kept coming back over me like ocean waves. I’m still getting teary-eyed just sitting here thinking about it. It was literal, actual perfection. They performed all of my favorite music and then some. I wasn’t close to the stage, but I consider my seat amazing for what money I had to invest in a ticket, and I was so happy. I’ve never been that happy in my life. At 22, such euphoria was a completely new concept...something I didn’t know I could feel. I saw all of them in person. They were standing hundreds of feet away from me. J-Hope was visible. His smile spread across his face and it was brighter than any of the thousands of ARMY bombs lit up in rainbow colors across the venue. I couldn’t even worry about the concert coming to an end until it finally happened. I was too focused on what was happening in front of me. It was spectacular. The tears are trying to escape my eyes now. I miss it so much. I cried so much. My family made fun of me for it, to the point that I’m a bit insulted, but I have no regrets. I intend to save any money I get from here on out and put it all towards seeing them when they come back. (I really want the Wings promo photo poster and more shirts, but that can wait I suppose.) I have to. I didn’t know I could feel that way, but it’s a feeling worth living for. I hope everyone has moments in their life like that. This is still a drop in the bucket in terms of what I could say about this experience, but I feel like I’m only writing this for myself to read again someday, so there’s no need to go all out and write for hours. I’m so, so, so grateful I got the opportunity to see BTS live. It was truly life-changing, and I’m clinging to the happiness of this past weekend as if my physical survival depends on it. (In a way, it might.) I love those boys so much, I love my friend so much; I’m so thankful for these people that exist. I’m so glad I have music I can face the world with. I’m so happy I’ve found something this important to me. I’m really sad, too. I’m really depressed. It all happened so quickly and the memories are only going to get blurrier as the days drag on. But I’m trying harder than ever to convince myself that I can be okay. And hopefully I’m right.
This is more emotional than I ever get on this blog anymore. My apologies to anyone who actually bothered to read some of this. It really is the most shortened version I have to offer. My heart swells thinking about it all. It’s hard to be sitting in my home alone all day again, but I have songs and memories to keep me company.
I’m so thankful for that weekend. I really am. It was the best I’ve ever had.
