julius caesar but i've never watched it
...either the play or the actual man. I am not a time-travelling voyeur. Why does that give Doctor Who vibes? I haven't watched that either.
Anyway, happy Ides of March, tumblr. Here we are. Doing what I do worst, making a summary of things I have no authority to summarise... WAHOO LET'S GO. Whatever it is I know about the play:
Caesar was vibing sometime around the '40s. 0040s, not 1940s.
He has a wife named Calpurnia. A maggot wants to be her because and I quote 'no one ever listens to me either'.
She tells him not to go to some kind of coronation or speech or something on the Ides. He's like nah wifey 'sall gucci.
I regret saying that sentence. As did Caesar, because he went and got stabbed in 44. Spoiler alert.
People ship Mark Antony with Caesar but some ship Brutus and Caesar. *youtuber voice* Comment below with your favourite ship.
Don't do it I don't want to know. Anyway, he's also married to Cleopatra, who is killed by snake venom that may not have been snake venom or something.
Idk they were cute. They had a kid that ran away and Asterix and Obelix had to take care of him. Caesarian?
WAIT IS A C-SECTION CALLED A CAESARIAN BECAUSE YOU CUT IT OPEN AND CAESAR WAS STABBED? WHAT?
There is a soothsayer. He tries to soothwarn Caesar.
Caesar does not soothlisten. Caesar is a lil bitch.
On the Ides of March, Caesar goes up to the soothsayer who is lurking on the steps of the maybe-coronation place. He soothsays The Ides of March are come!
The soothsayer soothsighs and soothsays Aye, Caesar, but not gone.
The senators, otherwise known as the soothslayers, have been plotting for a while. Brutus is a very dear friend of Caesar. He thinks Caesar slays.
But the other senators convince him this is what's best for Rome. So he thinks Caesar should be slayed.
So now the soothslayers at the maybe-coronation gather around Caesar and start stabbing him. Et tu, Brute? and all that (though I remember something about that phrase not meaning the same thing as it does in popular context...).
The soothslayers are a bit extra. Like bro. One stab to the heart would have soothsufficed.
Anyway, Caesar is soothslayed like the soothsayer soothsaid.
There is a funeral thing. The People of Rome are cranky.
A maggot once said Moots, maggots, countrymen! and it lives rent-free in my head.
Anyway what Mark Antony actually says is a whole ass speech. FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME YOUR EARS. I COME TO BURY CAESAR, NOT TO PRAISE HIM! THE EVIL THAT MEN DO LIVES AFTER THEM, THE GOOD IS INTERR'D WITH THEIR BONES (I THINK I HAVEN'T HEARD THE SPEECH IN A WHILE OK) SO LET IT BE WITH CAESAR.
So he gives the soothspeech and everyone is emotional. IF YOU HAVE TEARS, PREPARE TO SHED THEM NOW. Damn bro. It's like playing villain music just as the camera focuses on the villain.
Anyway then there is a lot of chaos and blah blah blah Mark Antony does some stuff Caesar's adoptive son Octavian does some stuff.
There's some bloke named Augustus who may or may not be Octavian (if he was sorry for the deadname Auggy my bad).
Brutus is killed? Or he kills Mark Antony? One of them die.
They were totally not fighting over who was a better lover to Caesar.
Roman Republic gone byebye as I say to Roxie. Roman Empire starts. The end.
Er.
That was a thing. I rather like summarising my homeboy Shakespeare haven't read him in a while and I only read his comedies. Maybe I should do more in honour of the Globe Theatre Maggots.
Happy Ides. Please don't soothslay me. I've been a good Maggot Prince to you, haven't I?
*runs just in soothcase*
