#ask-kid-dean

[askatropos-blog]

Twelve years old and already determined to be a thorn in my side.

[asksarahwinchester]

Kid Dean, I can't even with you sometimes.

Sarah: He is all ASLEEP and I can't find some way to lie that's comfortable.

Kid Dean: shove me off of the bed

Sarah: OH MY GOD

NO.

Kid Dean: yes

Sarah: But then all that accomplishes is waking him up and making him mad.

[ask-kid-dean-blog]

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"I don't even know where t'start, Michael." Dean murmured as he stared out the window. It was storming - Sam was asleep due to it, and Dad was out - again. Part of Dean wished that John would stay around more, but he understood that there was a job that needed to be done. He knew that hunting would become his life, more so the eldest Winchester brother felt that it would. Other things he felt like? Shit and a half for everything that he'd learned. Everyone was telling him to tell Michael no. He was learning to deal with how he'd 'fail' his younger brother in the future - despite him doing everything that he thought he should as a older brother. He promised - well, to be fair he didn't. He just nodded and told his Dad yes - that he'd protect his brother, he agreed to it being his job. He felt those were promises though, and he wouldn't disappoint his father.

Or his Mother.

"Suppose I'm sorry for sayin' you're a pigeon? S'probably a good place to start." He whispered to himself, tugging his knees closer as he chewed on his lip. "I mean - God just doesn’t put just anyone in charge. He only puts those that can handle it, those that can actually put his Word into action." He scratched his arm, exhaling as he rested his chin on his knees as he continued to stare out of the window. Possibly even for some sign. Dean didn't know what he wanted - the knots in his stomach were enough to make anyone vomit. And Dean didn't want to taste a microwave burrito and soda coming up.

"People are sayin' ‘Don’t say yes to Michael because he’ll kill Sam’ or ‘He’ll only use you to kill Lucifer’. It’s probably true, I’m not doubting it. But as I said, I respect you. I respect your choices - actually kind of feel sorry for you - that you make in order to do as your Pop- I mean Father orders you to do. I understand that. I of all freakin' people understand that. I'm sitting here playin' babysitter to my dearest baby brother. But it's my job." Dean spoke to the pretty much empty room.

Not that Dean minded the questions from Sam - he just found it frustrating sometimes.

Especially the questions about their mother.

"I don't know what t'do. God.." Dean rubbed his hand over his face, biting onto his lip harder as he stared outside. Was he honestly thinking about this? He was disgusted with himself. "I-I just... It's Sammy. It's my brother. It's my job to protect him, have to watch out for him. But.. apparently? I'mma just fail. No matter what. I'm going to fail him, Sam. Dad. Mom too! I'll let them down, and I'll just make 'em hurt so freakin' much. Once I do that.. that can't be fixed. I'm going to fail my family."

"Sure, the feelings will leave but he's going to be someone else.. And I'll still be right here. Rememberin' everything." Dean swallowed thickly, exhaling slowly. He couldn't get upset - not now, not with Sam only feet away. He had to be strong, he had to be the big brother. He had to show Sam that everything would be okay. He had to. It was his job.

"What am I going to do? What am I going to become? I don't care - gotta keep Sam safe. It's what I told Dad." He muttered, taking another slow breath. "My best friend'll be gone. Why? Because I failed. I failed my brother. My brother. Something must've happened to make him say yes - I did the research. He has to say yes to Lucifer. He has to agree to it. What did I do that caused him to do this? What didn't I protect him from? Where did I go wrong, God? I just want t'know - I have to protect Sam. I need to."

Dean readjusted - hands moving to hold his head as he hunched over in the window sill. Oh, what he'd give right now to hear his mother singing Hey Jude, pulling him against her. He often mentally pleaded with God, offering anything in the world to be able to validly hear the words from her lips again.

That was a prayer that went unanswered.

"I'm going to let everyone down, I'm just going t'hurt everyone. I have a chance to fix that! I have a chance to save Sam." He repeated the last seven words over and over again, as if it was some magical chant that'd fix everything, into his arms. Luckily, Dean had already mastered the fine art of shedding tears quietly at the age of twelve. John nor Sam needed to worry about him, it was a needed ability in the Winchester clan.

"I don't know what to say, Michael, God, hell - anyone's who listenin'. Minus that Lucifer fuck because I will personally stab him in the goddamn gut with an Angel blade. You do not mess with Sam. That's my damned job." He hissed, lifting his head and wiping the tears that'd come from his eyes. The Winchester felt scared and alone, not for the first time but he was admitting it.

"Just help me save Sam. Help me protect him, Michael. Please." He added on in a desperate tone, rubbing his jaw once more in a calming fashion before burying his face back into his arms. All the twelve year old knew was that he needed to keep the promise to his father to protect the only other living Winchester at all costs - no matter what it did to him.

"Yes."