i keep thinking about thrill seeking steph.....girl who so desperately wants to be the cool grunge girl whos independent and doesnt give a fuck. who smokes & knows how to take care of herself. but at the end of the day there's a warm bed waiting for her in her huge house with everything she wants . sighs......i dream of post breakup burnerphone when solomon dies & steph comes back to hatchetfield. and she's this cool college student who idk. what would she study. like something artsy. liberal arts. i do not know.
she's confident and successful and cool and then she comes back and sees lex and she reverts right back to her old ways. she's always been lex's. and maybe she's not wearing a leash but she's here isn't she
HI. get out of my head (/silly) ive been thinking sm about steph and her weird idolization of grunge shit. she wants it sooo bad she goes to stupid local punk shows & gives herself shitty tattoos & tears up her clothes on purpose. she's stupid & impulsive enough to fully throw herself into it & get into soo much danger that lex has to fish her out of. ugh.
ive been thinking a lot about steph and lex and their dichotomy of experiences. near the bottom of this post i talk about how lex has some jealousy around steph and her life
lex is… a little frustrated, that steph is better with hannah than she is. like, obviously it’s a good thing that hannah is making progress and connecting with anyone, but like. ouch. it should be lex. she’s jealous. whatever. and on some level she’s also upset that steph even got these resources in the first place, the ones she’s sharing with hannah. that people put effort into helping steph when lex was basically just abandoned by the entire system. it’s unfair. it isn’t steph’s fault, but lex resents her for it anyways.s
and i have been consistently thinking about these lyrics from josephine county blues pigeon pit
steph Can't get it. on no level will she ever be able to understand how lex grew up & what she went through. even if it was explained it would be difficult & lex would probably die before she let herself be that vulnerable.
steph has never been afraid in the way that lex lives every day. her life isn't precariously balanced on food stamps & minimum wage. steph goes to the thrift store for fun, lex buys clothes there every two or three years, if she's lucky. steph buys snacks at the dollar store, lex is often forced to do her grocery shopping there. steph can afford designer drugs, lex rations her weed week to week to get through shifts at work. it's just like this impossible gap to bridge in terms of making steph understand, because she's never wanted for anything, let alone gone without something she needs.
(this also means she takes it really fucking hard when solomon cuts off her cards after she spends an absurd amount during a bender. lol)
sometimes i think about lex trying to reel her back in. lex who lives this way out of necessity, who has never actually done most of the things steph imagines as parts of her cool rebellious life. not taking big risks until she comes along with her stupid flirting & her stupid thrillseeking & her stupid money that she's so generous with. steph who actually drags lex into addiction, plying her with drugs & fun & the freedom to be a dumb irresponsible teenager. & when lex gets tired, snaps about needing to focus on work, steph finds something to help with that, too. & lex. i shan't say. but they end up causing each other's most prolific addictions in very direct ways. tags i left on a post of yours like two months ago and then deleted because i got shy LOL
i <3 her imploding as soon as she sees lex again. maybe her college boyfriend tags along when she makes that dreaded trip home, but. well. it's lex. has steph literally ever been able to say no (+ has lex ever listened when she does). literally just folding immediately. cannot say no, & this could absolutely cause a worse spiral for her. it's a whole thing for them to send each other into tailspins. relationship that's almost synonymous with relapsing. sighhh
they're like So bound together. something about this lyric has always made me like augh (run your pockets pigeon pit. im sure everyone is surprised)
red string of fate as a leash. as a noose. a pull you can't resist lest you choke on it. if you stay close she'll kill you, if you try to forget her & stray too far you'll end up killing yourself. constant cloying reminder that she's still a part of you. like okay. whatever. normal abt them.