So I (finally) managed to make an appointment for my 2nd ADHD-test (the result of the first one basically said "can't be diagnosed definitely, please take an ADS-test and try again), which was a bit of a hassle because, well,
I HAVE ADHD,
which makes it hard for me to remember stuff, like, for example, making appointments.
It's been a few weeks, and I got the results today.
I have 3 diagnoses:
The first one we already knew about: Autism, Asperger's to be exact (yes, that's not a separate diagnosis anymore in the US, yes, I wish that was the case here as well, yes, that (allegedly) is about to change)
The second one was to be expected: ADHD. Yes. That's why I was there.
Now the third one, the third one is a problem: Transsexuallity.
"Why is that a problem?", you ask?
Well, for one, I think it's not ok to classify that as a mental disorder, that's just mean.
But the real ticker is
I'm not trans.
And this isn't a "crack my egg" realization moment, either, it's just. Not true?
Am I a hyper feminine woman? No. I'm autistic, ffs, I don't understand all those unnecessary rules of femininity, lots of women's clothes are not just plain uncomfy, they give me sensory issues. I'm about to throw out all my t-shirts (that are my size, I'm keeping the baggy ones) because I realised that I don't like having fabric in my armpits (which means all tank tops with tight arm holes also have to go), and I don't wear wire bras unless it's a Special Occasion™.
Did I shave off my hair completely about 3,5 months ago and am currently wearing it in a "typically male" style (short in the back and on the sides, longer and all sticky-uppy on top)? Yes, and so are tons of neurospicy women on the internet, but when I think of myself I still picture long hair, I only did it because it's something that should be on everyone's bucket list imo, as should growing you hair out real long (and my hair was at a really annoying length - to long for man bun, to short to braid, so it was a good time to do it).
Did I just start an apprenticeship as a carpenter, a very physical-exercise-intense, typically male profession? Yes, and am I the only girl in our group of new apprentices? ALSO YES, BUT WHAT DOES LIKING WOODWORKING HAVE TO DO WITH MY GENDER IDENTITY????
Did I tell the psychologist that I can somewhat empathise with people who get upset if someone uses the wrong pronouns for them, because I have an unusual first name that (uneducated) people tend to mistake for a man's name (I'm named after a Greek goddess, ffs, godDESS), so I get letters and emails addressed to Mr. eosthedumpling, which is why I've started adding "(she/her)" to my email signature? YES!!!
So what happened? Where did he get confused? When did being gender-nonconforming start automatically meaning you're trans? When did not liking the way I, as a woman, am treated in a patriarchal society start automatically meaning I must be trans?
I have boobs.
I like them.
I have a vagina.
I like her.
I have a uterus.
I like her, too (the periods we need to talk about, but I'm afraid she won't budge on that for the next 3 decades or so).
I don't have a penis.
I'm... not mad about it? Kinda indifferent about it? Would take one if offered out of curiosity, but only if it comes with a switch-back function (that maybe includes switching the "having boobs" buff on and off whenever I want, don't get me wrong, I love them and I'm not giving them up for anything less than saving my life, but they can be uncomfortable and annoying sometimes)?
So yeah.
Im not sure where I was going with this but I guess we have arrived.
Thanks for patiently reading this kinda long-ish post, hope you had fun on the ride, and I hope I didn't somehow accidentally offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, this really only is about me, if you experienced any of the things listed above on your trans journey that's perfectly valid, it's just.... I don't believe your interests and your gender identity have to influence each other in any kind of way, it's ok to play with Barbie dolls AND Hotwheels, it's ok to like blue AND pink (or neither, or only the "wrong" one), it's ok to enjoy cooking and cleaning AND chopping wood and fixing cars or whatever gendered activities you can think of, and if anyone tells you otherwise they've probably been conditioned by society to believe that, have mercy on them