#atom vents

[minedgames]

pretty venty? I’m more numb at this point but tagging it still because it may be heavy to some

for the foreseeable future I’m in a wheelchair. all in all I’m maneuvering fine and my roommates have cleared the way so I can get around the house, but it’s still just. odd having to rely on people so much. things I could easily do on my own last week I now can’t do by myself. it feels like in the blink of an eye a large chunk of my independence is gone and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. last month I walked to canada, and now I can’t walk anywhere.

[minedgames]

little update on my legs because I feel like putting my thoughts somewhere

everything is slowly improving, the keyword being slowly. things did seem to be looking up though, but I woke up sick and sore today and my legs went back to not really working. hoping it’s just a side effect of illness.

still have no idea what happened to me to put me in this state. it feels more physical than anything else, even when several people think it’s mental health related. I get why people say that, but I am intimately aware of how my mental health behaves and affects my body, and this feels more physical with being worsened slightly by stress.

I dunno. I just feel stir crazy and upset and I want to properly walk around again.

[minedgames]

health related life updates? kinda? more life than anything but it does get kinda venty

I said goodbye to buffalo yesterday.

I’m really gonna miss that city. I loved things being close together. before my health took that random dive, I walked everywhere and I loved it. I could walk to pick up a faygo, I could walk to the mall, I could walk just because, and I always found something cool every time I stepped outside.

for someone like me who loves wandering, living in a city was a dream come true. the snow especially was a favorite part of living up north for me.

but with this freak incident with my legs, and the job market being so goddamn weird in the city anyway, I made the difficult call to move back home with family. I had a fun trip down, but I just feel so… defeated? like I just gave up before I really got started. there wasn’t anything I could do in my state, and without insurance or a job I was fucked regarding figuring out what’s wrong with my legs.

I know I had no other choice, but I still feel very heartbroken. I hope to go back up there one day, but today I have to focus on my own health, and having an actual plan before I move back.

I hate to retire my atom vs new york tag, but. y’know. I’m no longer there.

[minedgames]

I think whoever decided the doors to public restrooms needed to be so goddamn difficult to open should be shot

[minedgames]

really gotta stop using tumblr to vent but. eh

so for a long time, my legs have been super fucking weird. without any consistency, it’s like the muscles in my legs will randomly get super weak for a couple days to the point where putting them under any weight causes them to shake violently and/or completely give out. aside from fatigue (which is pretty normal for me outside of this), there aren’t many other symptoms. no numbness, no pain, sometimes spasms in the muscles even when they’re relaxed.

usually it just takes a bit of stretches and a little bit of walking, just taking things slow, before things gradually go back to normal and I can walk no problem. but lately, each time this happens, it’s been getting harder and harder to use them. last night I could barely hold up my own weight, and today I can’t even lift them off the ground.

genuinely have no idea what’s going on, and I’m kinda freaking out because I have no insurance, can’t afford to see medical professionals to figure out what’s going on, I already know I am gonna have to fight like hell to be taken seriously, and even if I had them, my house isn’t disability friendly

this issue didn’t used to happen very often, maybe once or twice a year, but now it’s happening more frequently and I do not have a clue what to do about it

[minedgames]

just a brief little vent

as glad as I am to be visiting home again, I’m starting to wonder if it was a good idea. I was feeling so homesick that it was starting to get debilitating, and now being back here it’s just all crashing down on me that I miss home and my family way too much. I don’t want to leave. I genuinely love buffalo, and I’ve been able to do things up there that I couldn’t even dream of doing if I lived in my old middle of the countryside home in georgia. there are a lot of pros being in new york, I just wish my family lived up there with me to make this less difficult