#autistic!bucky

[ghost-story-barnes]

autistic bucky’s special interests being various forms of science, but always astronomy has been the most (except briefly when he found out about the serum and medical sciences became the most)

so he starts getting better but of course steve is worried about him and worrying that bucky won’t be happy anymore

and then one night, steve wakes up to bucky over him and asks him what’s going on. bucky pulls steve out of bed and brings him outside, pointing up.

and of course steve remembers how much bucky loved astronomy (but doesnt know he’s autistic because the criteria was more strict then) and even though he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be looking at he still looks

and bucky starts naming constellations and planets, even more excited about it than he was before

in that moment, steve knows that bucky will get better. sure, it’s going to take a long time and he won’t ever be the same but he will be bucky

(bonus: also bucky getting super excited when he realizes pluto was discovered, named, given planetary status, had planetary status taken away, gotten a clear picture of it, and had them consider reinstating planetary status within my lifetime that’s so cool steve come on that’s awesome)

[lalaleliana-blog]

autbucky replied to your post: autbucky replied to your post: autbuck...

autisitc bucky is so important

like, i want to write an entire novel about autistic bucky, hanging right at the edge of the place where people recognize something's Wrong, skating by on wit and charm and good looks

and then he gets drafted and goes off to war and things start to fall apart, and the cracks in the cocky confident facade start to show, and it's all he can do to keep himself together

and then there's hydra, and zola, and it's not, exactly, that what they did made him Worse - but he was already in a precarious place as far as his mental capacity and after everything that happens, it's just that it's enough to be too much, that's all, it's too much to deal with everything at once anymore.

[lalaleliana-blog]

?!!?!??!?!?!

autistic bucky who is super aware he doesn't Fit but who takes on a mask of intense constant echopraxia to work around it, not to say the cocky swaggering persona isn't genuinely him but also it's not. both at once. bucky very acutely conscious of his natural charm and ramping it up as high as he can because - i can say from experience - it's much much much easier to amplify, in your outwards presentation, a trait you do possess, than to make up ones you don't. 

autistic bucky who gets frustrated as hell with himself when he's not smart enough to figure something out, or when he gets upset and chokes on his voice and reaches for a snappy retort and finds empty space where words are supposed to be. who gets scared sometimes because he knows he's right on the very edge of Crazy 

autistic bucky who lets steve see him when he's in moments of weakness (shutdown or run out of spoons or just overwhelmed in general) because with steve it's okay - because steve has moments of weakness plenty and lets bucky help him

wow im crying

[lalaleliana-blog]

"You know, you can step outside if you want," she says after a long moment of silence. "I promise I won't be hurt."

He looks up and shakes his head. "No," he says, "it's--I mean--I'm fine."

"Okay," she says, shrugging. "If you say so."

He doesn't say anything, just hunches over forward, biting down on the inside of his lower lip. There's another silence, so heavy she can hardly breathe, and then he says, with a flawless accent, "Ya proshu proshcheniya." I'm sorry.

She looks hard at him, trying to determine how she's supposed to respond to that. It occurs to her that she can't without knowing what, exactly, he's apologizing for. "It's fine," she replies in Russian - the safest bet, based on what she does know. 

"Not really," he says.

She blinks slowly at him, considering that. "I forgive you," she tells him at last. She does - and she also understands - and she also knows most of the things for which he would apologize aren't his fault or his responsibility. Does he know? She isn't sure, and she doesn't know what else to say. 

"Thank you," he says. A beat. In English, "Coffee. Uh - there's coffee, if you want any."

She smiles. "Sure," she says, and he gets up to pour her a cup.

[lalaleliana-blog]

She climbs the stairs two at a time and knocks on the door, rocking back on her heels while she waits for him to open it.

It's not Steve that opens the door a moment later, though - it's Barnes, looking surly and confused, one arm wrapped around himself even while he opens the door.

"Oh," she says. "Hey."

He blinks. "Hey," he says in a flat voice. 

She looks him up and down quickly, trying to measure him. Shoulders up, arms across his chest, head tucked, eyes fixed on her. Defensive. Wary.

"Is Steve home?" she asks.

"No," he says.

She realizes she didn't come up with a plan for if this happened. Stupid, she berates herself, though she doesn't let her frustration show on her face. "Alright," she says. "I'll...come back later, then."

She's already turning away when he says, "You don't need to leave."

His voice is a certain kind of hesitant that she recognizes, and she looks back, surprised. "Are you sure?"

He nods. He's looking more over her shoulder than at her, his fingers curled tight, clutching the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "Um," he says after a long moment, and steps back. "You can...come inside. If you want."

She hesitates, but he doesn't have the hunted, wide-eyed look of horror he had last time she saw him - he's nervous, but not panicked. After a moment of careful consideration, she steps inside past him and hangs her jacket behind the door, stepping out of her shoes.

[lalaleliana-blog]

where i MEANT to go with that long post about autistic!bucky was

nightmares fucking him over as far as spoons the next day (particularly when they're Really Bad); steve learns to catch the cues pretty quick so he steps in to make sure the day goes smoothly with minimal consumption of energy

steve getting him a nice pair of headphones and an ipod or sth to put music on. he plays around and finds music he loves and if he's out in the world and stuff is Too Much he puts the headphones on and turns the volume up as high as it goes 

i had other thoughts but i forgot them bc i fell asleep typing this

[lalaleliana-blog]

remind me to do proper meta or something when i can find the words for it but ugh

idk. i guess catatonic is the word for it but it doesn't cover what im trying to get at. its very autistic tho. hes got this very distanced empty look and after he punches the couple guys out he just goes so still (and remains that way even as they're talking about wiping him and then starting the procedure, they just push him around ugh..................waxy flexibility is what that specific thing is called, staying in a fixed position until moved by an outside force 

idk its very...............its a shutdown response, thats how it reads as, is the flashbacks are too much so he shuts down.

[lalaleliana-blog]

so like, a couple weeks go by after all those events, and bucky is like halfway managing but he comes out of the events of tws in rough shape mentally at least, the programming is obviously already deteriorating, the enforced amnesia is falling apart rapidly, and to make matters worse he's been thrown into a world he doesn't actually have a very solid grasp on, without any support structure or anything

so um, obviously, this goes to shit pretty fast and after skating by for a few weeks at best he crashes HARD which is why he ends up at steve's place like 'please help'

obviously steve is like jesus christ buck, of course, get your ass in here and dry off

so bucky kinda hides out in steve's apartment recovering and for the first few days he's basically entirely nonfunctional, he has used up all of his personhood capabilities, he is Done

and obviously steve doesn't mind. steve wouldn't mind even if it WASN'T his best friend he was helping out, even if it WASN'T bucky he'd be more than happy to lend a hand and his couch and some food, that's what he does. (of course, maybe he goes a little more above and beyond the call of duty than he usually would, because it's BUCKY, but.)

so he helps, he doesn't just let bucky sleep on his couch but makes sure he's eating and checks in with him to see what he needs and if he can do anything to make things easier/better. 

(he can't, really, except just stay nearby or give bucky space depending which he needs. but it helps that he's familiar with some of bucky's habits and mannerisms and such, and knows at least some of the signs when he's not coping v well; and it helps to at least be in a stable safe place where stimulation is at least most under his control; and it helps to be eating actual food regularly; etc etc)

for the first week or so he doesn't talk much. or do anything much really. he spends a good two or three days virtually catatonic bc he's been borrowing against tomorrow's spoons for weeks on end which fucks you UP man

but after a few days he starts feeling better and less out of it. this didnt go anywhere im sorry.