Thank you for checking in on me. It honestly made me feel really great when I signed into my Tumblr today and saw all these messages from everyone giving me reassurance and comfort, and checking up on me. It means a lot! <3
I am going to be rather honest from this point onward, which is why I’ll be doing a ‘read more’, and I will admit, it might get long, but I feel as if I owe an explanation and I would like to let everyone know how I’m doing!
(I’ll be discussing my depression and anxiety from this point on. Read on if you wish.)
I was not in a good place beforehand. I was constantly down, and sad, and honestly, really frustrated in myself for many reasons. I couldn’t write like I used to, or find the energy to do the things I love. It was… exhausting; mentally, but I never thought to speak to anyone about it because it happens sometimes, and it passes.
Except this time, it didn’t.
I had never cried as often as I did that month. There were days where I’d wake up and I’d just… cry. I felt so awful. It was like this endless pit of sorrow and I didn’t know how to get out of it, because everything that made me happy before didn’t make me happy anymore, and that really got to me. I used to love writing - I could spend an entire day drafting out a chapter, but that felt so, so hard. It was unbelievably hard, and when I felt like my importance in the fandom and the people who read my fics were fading, it got to me much more than I wanted.
To put it bluntly, I was desperate for some form of importance. I needed to feel like I was… worth something, I suppose? I’m not entirely sure exactly what it was that I wanted, but I knew I wasn’t getting it, and that toxic mindset was not healthy. None of it was good for me, and that alongside the horrible feeling of nothingness that made me want to cry all day did not help me in the slightest.
That was when I decided to take a break, when I logged out of my Twitter and Tumblr for a little while. This was around late July. The break was nice, and refreshing, but when I popped back in for a little while, I just fell. Again. I was back to that state I was before. I knew what would be best for me, but I really didn’t want to step away from everything I worked so hard towards. This fandom was something that made me happy, but there was a lot of… negativity from a past experience, and sadness from how little I felt like my work was being noticed. It’s stupid, I know, but it made me happy, and happiness was all I wanted.
But then my anxiety got worse. I had my worst anxiety attack late July, and that feeling stuck with me for a week. It was awful. It was truly awful, but I had friends talk me through it and help me get through the night, and I finally decided that enough was enough. It was time for a change. I was tired of being sad and afraid.
So finally, after three - maybe five years of telling myself this, I spoke to a Doctor about my mental health. I don’t doubt when I say this, but that was the best decision I’ve ever made. I truly mean it. I’m not completely there, but I can safely say how I feel right now is the best I’ve felt in a long, long time.
Let me tell you how I feel - I have my energy back. Sometimes. I feel happier, and willing to do things I didn’t have the energy to do before. I go out more, I see my friends more often, and speak to them more. I haven’t cried since August! I feel like I have so much more control over myself, and my emotions, and my anxiety, and that’s all I ever wanted.
So, to answer your question: It’s been a rocky few months, but I’m great. I truly feel fantastic, and seeing these lovely messages in my inbox and ask just makes me feel a thousand times better.
This break I took was truly worth it, as well as seeking the help I needed. Am I ready to come back to the fandom and post work again? No. I’m not. I jumped out for a reason and I would like to enjoy my time beyond the fandom, and find enjoyment and happiness in other things, but I’ve not given up. I am writing a fic right now. It’s a Cupid AU, but I won’t be posting it until it’s finished, and maybe when the movie comes out. I know that’s a while away, but I just want to take my time. It’s been nice.
Again, thank you to anyone who’s been concerned, and/or send me a message to make me feel better. I’ve read all of them and while I’m not going to reply (this is the only message I’ll reply to), it means a lot to me that you’ve taken the time to message me. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3
I know I haven’t been that active lately, or writing a lot either. I’ve been a little out of my head lately with things like my Anxiety kicking hard this month, and I’ve just felt a little… burned out? If that’s the right way to describe it?
Regardless, I’ve been feeling awful.
But I just want to let my readers know that yes, I do have a story on the way, and something more than a one shot too. It’s a multi-fic again, angst, lots of hurt/comfort, back to my usual ways, and I’m feeling excited to get this story out. It’s been giving me a lot of grief lately, but I’ve finally found something that I would like to write, and I hope you guys are excited too.
I do apologize for my absence, but I’m still here, and I’m still ready to write.
