fuck i mean sure okay i understand maybe but really i’m very sure that if a person is attracted to the same gender and is gay/lesbian you really. cant. w. you cant call yourself a lesbian / a gay man if ur attracted to the opposite gender ,, and keep in mind im lesbian myself so really… I AGREE with you about the certain part where its like they can realize they’re a different gender / sexuality but everything else is a not so much moment , but i realize i cant really change your opinions on things /lh thats just your view on it i suppose , i’m not gonna try and convince otherwise
I totally understand why you believe that as well! By definition, a gay man means "a man attracted to men and not women." That is The Definition and trying to define it as anything else is just undermining the identity. But trying to box in those who identify as gay into One Scenario Only isn't very helpful.
Let's say a gay man dates a non-binary person. They are not a man or woman. Is that okay? Are they still gay? Or are they no longer gay? Do they now have to be bisexual or pansexual?
Some people say they're still gay if the non-binary person appears masculine or was previously a man (see below*). Some people say that's offensive to the non-binary person as they don't identify with masculinity but masculinity is now being forced onto them so that the gay man can remain gay. Whose right?
Now, let's say a gay man becomes attracted to a trans woman. Their appearance is more masculine, whether because they choose to be masculine or because they have not transitioned fully into a more ambiguous or feminine appearance. This is a tricky situation, isn't it? Is the gay man no longer gay because they are technically attracted to a woman---or are they still gay because they were attracted to the masculinity of the woman? And is it okay for the guy to be attracted to the masculinity of a trans woman, or are they transphobic for having those feelings? What's the right answer?
To some, it's easy---he's not gay. Or, he is still gay. To others, like myself, that answer isn't black and white. It depends on the circumstance (is the gay man acting transphobic to the trans woman? is the non-binary person okay with a gay man dating them? is the gay man more attracted to masculine or feminine traits or do the traits not matter? is it more of the "biological" attraction or an emotional attraction?). Not everyone fits into the binary.
I'm not saying that gay men can date a bunch of women and call themselves gay, either. That's not what I'm supporting. I can't emphasize that enough. Hetero men can't genuinely date only women and call themselves "gay" just for queer points. What I'm supporting is the gray area, the rarer occurrences. The "my husband came out as trans and is now my wife. I still love her, but I've never been attracted to women before. What do I do now?" Because Holy Shit, isn't that a hard scenario? You've been confident and happy with your identity for so long, and then suddenly this one thing makes you have to rethink it all. Because here's the facts:
You are attracted to men.
This man is now a woman but still has the body you love.
They start to transition (if they choose) and their body changes, but you still love them---perhaps the attraction for their body is different, but you still love them. Who they are, how they laugh, how they smile, how they snore, what they stand for, everything.
You are still attracted to other men, and not attracted to women.
You still love your wife.
This is a scenario where I'm like, yeah, I don't care if you call yourself a gay man still. I understand the implications---other people see a happy man-woman couple and are like, "Uh? What do you mean you're gay, Steve? You have a wife!" And then homophobes point to Steve and Jill and go "Look! That guy says he's gay but he has a wife! You're all just liars and frauds looking for attention!" And that's not very fun for the rest of us who have to defend ourselves from those assholes.
But I don't care about those assholes. I care that Steve and Jill are happy. I care that Steve is okay with who he is and that Jill is okay with who she is.
And then there are the people who say, "But you can't be gay, Steve! You have to be bisexual now! You have to call yourself that, or pansexual, or maybe call yourself demisexual but just for your wife, or have you heard of abrosexual? What about agentosexual? I think that's what you are!" and Steve is just like "I don't know. Can't I just love my wife and that's the end of it? Maybe I'm not gay anymore. I don't know." And these people aren't ill-intentioned. They feel they're just trying to help, or trying to "correct" things. But there isn't always a correct answer, and the more you try to force one, the further away the "correct" answer gets.
Some articles I think are worth a read that go into more on the topic are these:
*‘What happens when you’re in a gay relationship and your partner comes out as non-binary?’ "This experience has highlighted to me more than ever that sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum; they are fluid and ever-changing. Despite my partner being non-binary, I still feel that I identify as a gay man. I still consider myself attracted to masculinity and my partner acknowledges that they are still predominantly male-presenting and have no intention of changing this, I still respect their gender identity and will continue to do so."
‘I wanted to be supportive but I was terrified of losing her’: what happens when your partner comes out as trans? "I didn’t fall in love with a gender, I fell in love with a person," is by far my favorite quote. Though, be warned, the second interviewee is Definitely Transphobic and I don't like them, but the first and third interviews are so sweet, I love them 🥺. But really this whole article is great to really get a wide perspective on how people react to their partners transitioning. "Any couple, whether or not they stay together, is changed by the experience of transitioning," is also a great end note.
What My Partner's Transition Meant For My Sexuality "It became very clear to me that being a lesbian married to a man was in fact not the actual problem. My problem was I could only see in black and white, yes and no. I had entwined my ego, my sense of self, with my lesbian identity. A lesbian shall not be married to a man. A lesbian shall not enjoy sex with a man......I lean on that inspiration when I'm asked, "So, what does his transition mean for you? Are you straight now?" I just answer, "I'm in love.""
Just in general, there's so many ways humans react to this kind of complicated stuff. Some people have a realization of sexuality---they realize that they were always X sexuality, or that they are okay with being X sexuality. Others find themselves able to "adjust" and love their partner(s) regardless of gender, even if the attraction is muddled.
Something I'd also like to mention is that there are fair points on both sides of this argument. I am not solely and utterly right on this topic. There are things that I concede could be my own bias---for one, I've never experienced romantic/sexual attraction myself, so what could I really know about allo experiences?---but I try to research topics before I fling myself into anything. I can see the logic and the reasoning on both sides. And also the other in-between sides. I don't think there's an absolutely right or wrong for this scenario---not right now. Not with how culture and society is right now. But this is the side that I stand with the firmest ground on.
