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Diário Mutuna - Desafio 1
Acho que nunca fui de escrever muito, tentei fazer isso uma vez e foi uma experiência bacana.
Se eu tivesse que listar meus fatores limitantes acho que eles seriam:
Uso de telas.
Pornografia.
Falta de fé em mim.
Insegurança.
Falta de sonhar.
Compras por impulso.
Falta de organização financeira.
Falta de controle pra me alimentar corretamente.
Falta de rotina.
Preguiça.
Falta de organização.
Falta de cuidado pessoa.
My bad hand
I am asked: what kind of bullshit are you dealing with?
It's a question from David Goggins' Challenge #1, in his book ''Can't hurt me''. My head hurt from crying so much, thinking about all the things that come to my mind. Knowing that I will put my struggles black on white, for the world to see (hopefully I go under the radar), and I am not sure if I am ready for that - even though I already started writing a bit about my experience in my iPhone Notes, hoping that one day, when I get out of this situation, I can help people out. I am not living a situation as traumatic as I read in the book so far. But it is the worst time of my life!
To help me anwer the question, Goggins ask me prompt questions and one of them is: What are the current factors limiting your growth and success? Let me tell you.
I am broke as hell!!! I know, we all are. But I am broke as never before and it sucks the life out of me! As a motivated and ambitious woman, mother of three beautiful young children, a positive and optimistic soul, I feel like I am way off track in my life.
As of today, I am about 120,000$ in debt (I am in the process of calculating everything). I have a clean and almost empty fridge with yogurt, a bit of milk, butter, some cheese, juice boxes for kids' lunches, some bread, a head of lettuce, and basic condiments. Two pieces of salmon and a bit of minced pork in the freezer. Literally 1 fusilli in a jar and a pinch of spaghetti in another. There's not much in my pantry. I have 0,00$ in my bank account.
My kids will be back from their dad's this weekend, and I have no idea what I will feed them. I barely have any gas in my car. I borrowed money from my dad this morning (I urgently needed to put money in my account for my home and car insurance) and promised to give it back on a certain day, but I am not sure if I will be able to. It will be possible if my cousin and his wife lend me 1,000$ (I am waiting patiently for his reply). I'm missing 300$ on my car payment. I have not paid my rent as I have to wait for the government check to pay later this month. I have not been paying for my two kids' after-school daycare for a few months, and I don't pay 3 other bills AT ALL.
I am an indepedant worker. But somehow, my business endeavors don't seem to be fruitful. I know I am supposed to head that direction because I prayed about and God answered me through a very clear sign. So why isn't it working?! That's a whole other story.
I am TIRED of having to think about how I will pay for this and that. Every day, I feel like I am in those 80's movies where there's someone kidnapping someone and he is asking for an impossible amount of ransom and I have to go through the toughest most dangerous challenges to find the money. Every day is about trying to divide 1$ into multiple parts so I can pay for a multitude of things. I am EXHAUSTED!
I can't dream of anything now. I can't think about signing my kids up to any camps this summer or not even swimming lessons. We can't consider any trips. I can't even buy new summer clothes. We can't even eat out on a Friday night, like we used to do. I'm not even going to talk about my project of buying real estate, ha! Or my dreams of doing philanthropic work (I have so many ideas!)
The world around me has become smaller and smaller. I can't see a way out. I am looking for a job. (forget about the businesses!) and I hope to find something soon! Everything I want to do is out the window now! I can only focus on making money and paying those bills! How long will I have to suffer in a 9-5?
I have been falling into despair, almost fainting, my eyes rolling at the back of my head. I now understand why people may think about ending their life (I don't have suicidal ideas, but sometimes, I think it's the only way I can actually solve all my financial problems). But I pick the pieces of myself up from the ground and encourage myself to push through. How many times can I do that, though!? I can't already! Always get back up, always get back up, always, get back up. When will I be able to walk straight!???
The worst part is, you would look at me (the way I dress, the car I drive, my positive attitude (authentic), my apartment (although in just a 1-br for me and 3 kids), you wouldn't be able to tell that I am absolutely poor! How many people live in the same situation as mine? I know mine is bad, real bad. But I know some people are in way worst situations.
It is late, I am tired. I don't know if I did this assignment right. I'm not sure if what I wrote is understandable, if we can feel the deepness of my problem. But I don't want to read what I wrote and review my text.
God, show me the way. What am I supposed to learn in this incredible challenge? I feel like I already learned my lesson. Let me graduate already!
Poor Mama (not forever!)
Blond scalplock by a great teacher and fellow contemporary artist Micheal Badhand. Fits well on our wall of weapons art! Human hair and stretched hide on a twig from the Little Bighorn Battlefield #artofweapons #scalplock #badhand #contemporymakers #frontierart #westernart #wildwestart #creepyart #nativeamericanart #nativeart #warart https://www.instagram.com/p/ConPx3lPApp/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
My Personal Excuses
My Challenges
In the past:
Sexual assault
Substance abuse
Turbulent home life
Inappropriate online relationships/contact with adults in search of attention and affection
Debt
Insecurity
Poor relationship with parents and peers
Feeling misunderstood
Fear of the world
Having little friendship/Not fitting in
Bullying
Bed-wetting
Relationship with family
Social/General Anxiety
Major Depression diagnosis at 16
Being morbidly obese
Eating Disorder
Physical, mental and emotional abuse
Lack of adequate/knowledgeable support
Lack of trust in others
Loss of friends
Being targeted for violence unjustifiably
Feeling dumber than my HS peers
Growing up in the Hood
Currently:
Binge eating/careless consuming
Being overweight
Pests in home
No job/ little money coming in
Little money saved
Inertia
Binge drinking
Feeling out of control when not isolated
Being suggestible to nonconstructive behavior
Not enjoying other’s opinions/lives
Being told I’m smart but feeling like it’s a cover to get me to do stuff
Keeping me from:
A reliable flow of income.
A Large savings and spending account
Being a healthy weight.
Going to college.
Working as a programmer.
Enjoying fulfilling relationships
Being happy outdoors and routinely going out
Clear skin
Having fun with my family
Forgiveness
Sobriety
A constant self worth
Owning a car, home, and garden
Building a difference in the world
Challenge 1:
Q: what are some of the current factors limiting your growth and success?
A: me, I’m the limiting factor. I’m always overthinking and over analyzing situations that don’t need it. I think i do this because growing up i was always expected to under perform and fail. Therefore, making me feel like i have to always try to get things right or at least understand to the best of my ability how their done correctly.
Q: what are your long odds you’re up against right now?
A: i don’t feel i have any. Maybe before reading the book “you are a badass” by Jen Sincero and learning how time is an illusion and we have more of it than we know. My answer would’ve possibly been different.
Challenge 1
Started out having shitty as parents who only cared about what they wanted. We would go weeks without food because they would rather go out to the bars or go to concerts. Instead of feeding their family. My father ruled everything in the house. My mother did not have access to anything. If she wanted to get us a little bit of food she would have to steal money out of my fathers wallet. Once my father realized she had taken some money he would go off on a rant how she didn’t consider anything. In my fathers eye my mother is just a dumb ass. He wouldn’t let her forget that. He was so controlling he would tell her when and what she could do. She never kept a steady job. I know deep down she wanted to help us kids but she could not ever get out of my fathers control. I wish people knew about the abuse we all took from my father. He wouldn’t pay bills because he needed to have money for his bad habits. Such as pool leagues and fantasy football. That’s where all our money went. There would be times our gas would get turned off and we would have to boil water to take a bath. And there have been multiple times when we would have no electricity and no gas. I can vividly remember having to boil water on our grill and taking baths in the dark. Maybe that’s why I’m scared of the dark. The dark reminds me of hard times. My father also didn’t believe in going to the doctors or dentist. We never went to the doctors unless it was out of control. I never went to a dentist until I moved out at 17. I never knew how maintainable it is to go to a dentist until I was 22. There is so much that I question now looking back. Like how could they not make the sacrifices for their kids. Keep in mind my father is a federal employee. He has a very steady income. Yet we had to live without. It is no wonder why my brother turned to drugs and I’m out here with little to no relationship with anyone in my family
#mexicantrain #badhand #dominos #thisdoesnotlookgood #covidaloca https://www.instagram.com/p/B-3hXtkFcAF/?igshid=1szwgfuk616p3
13 DAYS OUT FROM @bighorn100 ⬇️THE MENTAL GAME⬇️ 🎯Regardless of the distance, time, or sport your mental game needs to be strong. This doesn't just mean training hard, being disciplined, and developing a race strategy but rather making a conscious effort to IMPROVE your mental game and thus your life. 🎯This time around it was a book by @davidgoggins called "Can't Hurt Me". After reading/listening to it for lots of solo efforts ot reminded me that there's always room for improvement and that you should never be satisified. Just because you've won some championships, bought a house, doesn't mean the work stops- THERE IS NO FINISH LINE. So, owning it and jumping into the challenges in this book. 🎯Challenge #1 (2nd photo) BAD HAND "Write out a list of what is challenging you today. What problems and limitations do you encounter? What excuses are you making? Don’t hold back. Don’t be nice to yourself." So, how are YOU going to up your mental game? #badhand #canthurtme (at Durango, Colorado) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByLxiqtAExz/?igshid=3tgp0zoz6nid
