"a soul so sweet, like wild honey; born of bees and wildflowers" - l . peterson
♡ A LITTLE INTRODUCTION
spent her entire life growing up in Beacon Hills, and the-girl-next-door in every sense of the phrase.
she's been best friends with Stiles Stilinski for as long as either of them can remember, their childhood measured in shared summers, late-night window conversations, and a friendship that's become the centre of both their worlds.
Scott McCall has always been right there alongside them too. he might have carried a harmless childhood crush on her once upon a time, but between scraped knees, science projects, and growing up, she became the little sister he never had.
at home, she is deeply loved by two parents who would do absolutely anything to keep her safe—even if their good intentions sometimes leave her feeling a little trapped.
♡ IF YOU ASKED AROUND BEACON HILLS
ask Sheriff Stilinski, and he'll tell you...
...that Maya is the only person in the entire county with a high enough patience threshold to act as a literal brake pedal for his son's frantic mind. he'll smile, shake his head, and tell you that she's fed him more homemade dinners than he can count, and always remembers his birthday. to the Sheriff, Maya is the sweet, reliable girl next door who keeps a spare key to his house and always leaves a tray of fresh baked goods on his kitchen counter when he works late shifts.
ask Scott McCall, and he'll tell you...
...that Maya is one of the easiest people to be around. she's the kind of friend who makes bad days better without even trying. he'll point out that she's the only person (apart from Stiles) who doesn't judge him for being an awkward, unathletic boy with asthma, and he'll laugh if you bring up the fact that he had a crush on her in elementary school, insist it was "like... fourth grade" and then very quickly change the subject because Stiles never lets him live it down. these days, she's family.
ask Stiles Stilinski, and he'll tell you...
...that Maya is impossible to sum up in a few words. he'd tell you she always eats the broken cookie first, apologizes to inanimate objects when she bumps into them, and laughs so hard at her own jokes that it's practically contagious and you have no choice but to laugh along with her. he'd tell you she's incapable of pretending she's mad at someone for longer than five minutes, that she cries at animated films every single time, and that she can't walk past a stray shopping trolley without putting it back. he'd probably laugh and insist Maya's the one who's been putting up with him all these years, not the other way around. truth is, Stiles doesn't know how to live life without her. he doesn't want to, and he has no idea what he'd do if he ever had to. but he's certain about one thing; he's got no intention of finding out.
ask her parents, and they'll tell you...
...that Maya is their entire world. her mother will tell you she has her grandmother's gentle heart, and her father will tell you her laugh can reset any room. they'll praise her perfect grades and culinary talents, and they'll proudly tell you how thoughtful, hardworking, and compassionate she is, before reminding you that she's expected home by curfew. they love her more than anything, they just have a difficult time remembering that she's growing up.
ask Maya, and she'd probably tell you...
...that none of those people are particularly reliable sources. she'd insist that she's just a normal girl who likes baking, loves her friends, is currently failing to understand AP Chemistry, and has absolutely no idea why everyone keeps making such a fuss over her. then she'd apologize for talking too much, offer you something fresh from the oven, and ask if you'd like a cup of tea.
♡ A FEW TANGIBLE DETAILS
favorite baked good to make
↪ warm, gooey cinnamon rolls with sweet cream icing. especially if someone she loves has had a bad day.
favorite season
↪ autumn. she loves the crispy morning fog, the smell of woodsmoke, and the excuse to wear oversized, fluffy cardigans.
coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?
↪ a warm mug of chamomile tea with a heavy spoonful of local honey and a splash of milk, usually held between both hands while sitting on her windowsill at 2am.
what's always in her tote bag?
↪ a copy of Pride and Prejudice, a ring of spare house keys, a pack of cherry lip balm, and a half-empty box of dry-erase markers.
her handwriting
↪ small, rounded, incredibly neat, and looping cursive with little hearts dotting the occasional i when she's distracted.
favorite flower
↪ white daisies. they're simple, unpretentious, and they look like little splashes of sunshine.
random talent
↪ can estimate measurements surprisingly accurately without measuring cups.
early bird or night owl?
↪ a stubborn night owl. all because her next-door neighbor refuses to go to sleep at a normal hour.
comfort food
↪ homemade kimchi fried rice made by her dad on saturday nights.
favorite weather
↪ gentle, misty northern California rain with her bedroom windows wide open—the type where the air smells clean and she can just listen to the drops hit the lawn.
signature scent
↪ sweet vanilla bean extract, fresh linen laundry detergent, and a tiny hint of powdered sugar that lingers on her sleeves no matter how many times she washes them.
♡ CURRENTLY...
reading
↪ a heavily worn paperback copy of Pride and Prejudice for the comfort, mostly because she already knows how the story ends. (she insists it's just "one more reread")
listening to
↪ Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine on repeat from the 'stolen from stiles' passenger seat' playlist while she cleans her room.
baking
↪ a massive batch of sweet milk bread rolls.
loving
↪ a beautifully carved, antique wooden rolling pin that her grandparents mailed to her all the way from Seoul.
dreaming about
↪ opening her own community artisan cafe and bakery one day in a bustling, peaceful town.
watching
↪ The Princess Diaries and/or The Great British Bake Off on a lazy afternoon when her parents are out.
lynn sits at the breakfast bar while kathleen hovers over the stove, a cup of coffee set next to each of them. it’s quiet between the two, and the only thing that can be heard is the occasional faint scraping of the spatula against the metal pan every time her mother reaches over to flip a pancake.
it’s a rare sight to see the woman cooking breakfast instead of having her nose buried deep in her macbook screen, but according to her sisters, there hasn’t been a morning since they returned from the beach that kathleen hasn’t woken them up with breakfast on the table. she was trying to be a better mother. lynn could see it in the way she randomly called to check in and the way she rarely asked for favors anymore.
lynn would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little sad that she never got this version of her mother, but as long as her sisters did, she could never complain. plus, all of her meetings with dr. agard made lynn come to the realization that their relationship is a two way street. if she ever wanted it to get better, she’d have to put in an effort, too.
however, her effort isn’t the same. of course lynn answers the quick phone calls and attends the new family dinners, but what she really needs to work on is forgiving peter and getting rid of the resentment she holds for her mother that came when the woman took him back. she always thought her father’s absence never bothered her, but it did and she hated the fact that he was able to waltz into her life like it was just another tuesday. like the decade he spent pretending she didn’t exist meant absolutely nothing at all.
after this week’s wednesday family dinner, the two women sat on the back porch until the early hours of morning, each consuming enough red wine to probably fill a kiddie pool. lynn didn’t really mean to stay up that late nor did she mean to drink that much, but once her mother started to cry into her glass with long apologies about how she’s treated her, she decided that a few extra glasses wouldn’t hurt.
the dinner took place after a three hour long impromptu session with dr. agard. harry had made a comment about her crows feet and smile lines earlier in the week, and it kind of sent her whole world tumbling.
really, lynn had mentioned them first. she caught her reflection in the door of harry’s freshly scrubbed microwave (courtesy of her), and thumbed at the obvious indentations permanently etched into her skin before mumbling something under her breath about needing to invest in botox.
“don’t,” harry had replied with his face buried deep in his refrigerator, a soapy rag in hand. “means you’ve been happy.”
and then he turned around and started talking about finally finding that lime he had been missing all week. lynn wasn’t really paying attention after he had her facing a gut-wrenching reality literally seconds prior, but apparently the finding called for tequila shots, and she wasn’t going to be one to disagree.
lynn spent so much time being miserable and hating her family life, but she never really stopped to think about the good parts of it. sure, she hated the fact that her dad came back, but without him, she wouldn’t have her little sisters that she loves so so so much.
the chocolate bars she buys for jane after every recital were the exact same ones that kathleen used to leave out on the counter for her when she had a chorus concert, and sometimes when she wakes up in her bed surrounded by jane and amelia, a piece of her is transported back to being four years old, tucked under kathleen’s arm with a vcr tape of casper playing on the television.
her mom would take her out at least once a month and buy her whatever she needed. whatever she wanted, really. they’d go on expensive vacations every year, and when younger lynn came home crying because she loved the beach so much, kathleen bought the condo they stayed in. it wasn’t even for sale.
so after talking with dr. agard until her throat felt raw, lynn realized that her mom spent her entire life trying to give her the financial security that she didn’t have when she was growing up. her parents didn’t come into money until later in life (after all of their kids were grown), and lynn was left with every cent of it anyways.
so, after a few glasses of wine, lynn told her mother that all she wanted growing up was for her to just be present, and kathleen has been trying to fix that ever since.
she hosts weekly family dinners and invites lynn to morning coffee. she drops jane off at school instead of making her take the bus and spends hours after work in an abandoned shopping mall’s parking lot teaching amelia how to drive. she helps the girls get ready in the mornings and she’s there tucking them into bed every night, and even if it’s too late for lynn and maybe amelia, at least jane gets all of her.
it was such an odd situation to be in. she sometimes finds herself feeling jealous of jane as she’s getting a children’s book read to her at bedtime. lynn wishes that she could remember those kinds of parts of her childhood. the soft moments with kathleen were rare growing up, but they existed in faint memories and nostalgic feelings and… well, that would just have to be enough.
she felt so many different things every time she dissected her childhood with her therapist. there used to be so much grief and disappointment and anger, but now, she found herself looking back on it in a positive light. little lynn didn’t get all of kathleen, but she did get all of elena and that was something she’ll be eternally grateful for.
her family life wasn’t the only topic of discussion when she met with dr. agard. recently, lynn’s found that she was bringing up harry more and more, especially now that he was seeing oliver.
she thought their night together would be awkward, but harry simply changed into a pair of her shorts and got under the covers. his eyes were closed, and lynn could tell he was sleeping again by his long, deep breaths. she had never seen him so tired.
once lynn climbed into her side, harry rolled over and pulled her into his chest like it was a reflex. his lips pressed against her shoulders a few times, and then she felt his hand sink under the fabric of her old tshirt, his fingers roaming over the bare skin of her stomach. for a split second, part of her wished they would dip down under the waistband of her underwear just like they had a month ago. a bigger, more sane part of her told her to close her eyes, so she did, falling asleep in what felt like seconds.
the next morning, she woke up to his fingers sliding down her arm until they reached the inside of her wrist, thumb gently pressing into her pulse point. it’s something she’s only caught him doing once before, but lynn suspects it’s something he does every time they wake up next to one another. a content sigh fell from his lips after a few moments, and then he tried to wake her up with soft shoulder kisses and promises of fruity pancakes covered in sugary, sweet syrup.
remembering that time had her stupidly standing outside of his apartment with their usual chinese orders a few days later, but just as she turned back to get the forgotten wine bottle in her car, the elevator arrived with a very pretty boy inside. he was smothering his lips in some kind of menthol chapstick that lynn could smell as soon as the doors had opened.
the boy offered her a smile before stepping out, and lynn watched with a heavy chest as he made his way to harry’s front door. he didn't even knock. instead, he used the key on his keyring, and lynn’s stomach twisted at the sight.
oliver.
“honey, i’m home,” he sung into the apartment with a laugh.
honey. home. oh, she was going to be sick.
and she was, not even five minutes later. lynn lost whatever was left of her lunch in the communal trashcan right in front of the complex. the guilt scorching her skin like a bad sunburn.
the suffocating feeling found her again a few days later when harry stood in front of the glass door of the bakery. when lynn saw him, he was beaming. the grin on his lips looked like it was making his cheeks ache. he had two to-go cups from the café in one hand, and when lynn unlocked the door for him, his free hand was thrown around her neck to pull her into him.
“evy,” he sighs into her hair. “i’m so, so happy to see you.”
“hmm, and why’s that?” she pulls away to look at him, and harry offers her a cup with a messy e.a. written on the lid. the handwriting matches the one she often found on post it notes and grocery lists stuck to harry’s refrigerator, and when she looks down at his, she can’t help but notice the way the ‘h.s.’ is written in nora’s neat handwriting. “wait, let me guess. you want another chocolate cupcake.”
“ha ha,” he deadpans. “no, that’s not—actually, if you’re offering i wouldn’t say no.”
“depends. what’s the occasion?”
“my paintings sold,” his cheek caves in like he was biting it to stop his growing smile and something inside of lynn makes her itch to press her lips into the indentation. “someone in raleigh bought them for like… an insane amount.”
“harry,” a matching small smile’s fighting to make its way on her face. “that’s so exciting.”
“i know,” his fingers are holding her elbow, and he takes a step back, eyes raking over her frame like he’s taking her in. she’s only wearing her lousy baking clothes and an apron, but his face becomes unreadable for a moment and she feels incredibly self conscious. “shit. i’m sorry. you’re busy. i shouldn’t have come.”
“why did you?” it’s only meant to be a thought, but it slips out of her mouth, and lynn shamefully watches as he pulls himself away from her.
“i don’t know. i got the email this morning, and i felt so relieved. it’s going to help so much, and i just… i wanted to share it with you.”
the two of them stand in front of each other so closely. the toes of their shoes are bumping into one another’s. his eyes are a shining green that reminds her of the fresh, spring time grass she and elena used to spend long afternoons sitting on. the woman would hold a notebook on her lap, writing down lynn’s critiques in glitter pen as they ate the cakes and pastries they spent all morning making.
there’s no reason for her brain to be comparing the feeling of being this close to harry to her happiest childhood memories.
but it does.
“well, why don’t we get you that cupcake, sunshine?” her palms press against this chest. “i’d say you deserve one. maybe even two.”
the two of them spent the rest of the morning locked away in the bakery, before moving over to the cafe for another coffee (or two) which only made one thing incredibly clear to her. this needed to end, just like dr. agard suggested the last several times lynn has been sat on her couch.
it was easy to let herself indulge in harry and whatever he gave her when oliver only existed in her mind, but now he had a face with a sweet smile and kind eyes. everytime lynn thinks about having harry in her bed that night or letting him feed her his unwanted strawberries from his fork at breakfast the next morning, she sees him, too. what they were doing was far more than just friendly, and it was so incredibly wrong.
so, she invited harry and oliver to her family’s cookout, and to create as much space as possible, she told him to invite his new art school friends, too. lynn also invited silas (and an additional text was sent to ren when the boy casually mentioned that they were seeing one another again), all of which accepted her text message invitation. that meant there was absolutely no reason for the two of them to be alone at all today, and lynn planned on keeping it that way.
lynn leaves her head at the sound of amelia and jane arguing their way down the stairs. there’s a stack of chocolate chip pancakes on both sides of her, and when lynn looks up, kathleen is sliding a plate of blueberry ones in front of her.
it’s simple, but her heart still swells at the gesture as she thanks her mom. blueberry pancakes were her favorite when she was a child (only they were usually made by elena), and lynn can’t help but wonder how her mother even knew that about her. the woman gives her a smile, and lynn thinks that the tiniest (really, the absolute tiniest) piece of her inner child heals with it.
“don’t thank me,” kathleen’s moving the dirty dishes to the sink. “it’s something i should have been doing from the very start.”
✮✮✮
harry shows up a little earlier than everyone else with the catering peter had asked him to pick up while lynn and kathleen are back in the kitchen. the older woman has been chopping up vegetables for the last hour while lynn arranges them neatly on a tray.
“hi, honey,” harry presses his lips against hers, and she tries not to let the way her stomach churns reflect on her face. she watches as he carefully opens the oven door and slides in the trays he’s carrying to keep them warm, desperately wanting to get her mind off of the fact that harry lips tasted faintly of menthol chapstick.
“thank you for doing that, harry,” her mother says. “i really appreciate it.”
harry waves her off, a boyish grin taking over his face. “it was nothing, really.”
“harry!!!” jane’s shriek cuts through the quietness of the room. the little girl runs up to him, arms stretched out wide for a hug. harry crouches down to pick her up, and she sits on his hip with her arms tightly wrapped around his neck.
“sunflower,” harry coos. “‘ve missed you so much.”
“duh,” jane says with a frown on her lips. “i haven’t seen you since my birthday. you must hate me.”
“hey, don’t say that,” harry’s fingers pinch at her sides causing her to erupt in little giggles as she pushes his hand away. “i’ve been busy with school, just like you.”
“you’re too old for school,” a skeptical pout takes over her sister’s face, and it’s harry’s turn to laugh. he does so with shiny eyes and big dimples, and the sight of the two of them makes lynn swoon.
“i’ve got a few more things to get from my car,” harry says. “do you want to come, janey? i have a friend you can meet.”
“i didn’t know you had friends,” the way she says it so seriously makes lynn muffle a laugh with the palm of her hand, and when she looks over, even kathleen has an amused look growing on her face as she watches the pair, too.
“oh whatever,” harry rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he walks with her to the front door. “you’re carrying the biggest box all by yourself for saying that.”
“oh man,” she catches jane’s sad sigh, and then they’re gone.
lynn watches through the window as harry and jane walk up to the same boy from the elevator. he’s trying to balance the remaining trays on top of each other, and by the way harry’s head is tilted back with laughter, she can tell that he’s failing miserably.
oliver crouches down to jane’s level when harry sets her down to help and holds out his hand for a high five. her sister shyly moves away, hiding behind harry’s legs. she’d never tell dr. agard, but sometimes, when she’s lying in bed waiting for her sleeping meds to kick in, her tired brain likes to imagine what her life would be like with harry. for some reason, every made-up scenario always leads back to white picket fences and sticky handprints on glass doors. saturdays spent at the playground and princess themed birthday parties. puppy kisses and—
“he’s good with her,” kathleen says from behind her. “with amelia, too.”
lynn only hums at her mother’s words. she knows he’s good with them, and every time she thinks about what’s going to happen when everything’s over, a lump starts to form in her throat.
“i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you the way i should have been, lynn,” she turns around to find kathleen with weepy eyes. “i hate that you were hurting for so long and i had no idea.”
the girl offers her a smile, “no one did, mom. at least not until after. i shouldn’t have kept it from you anyway. i’m sorry, too.”
“you did what you felt was right. don’t ever apologize for that,” the older woman wipes under her eyes with one of the dish rags on the counter. “i just… i want to make sure he’s good to you.”
“he’s the best,” lynn can’t hide the grin on her lips as she says it because it’s true, he is. she can only hope to find someone who’s a fraction of him to love her for real.
her mother nods, and it falls quiet between the two again. when lynn looks back out the window, silas, ren, harry, and oliver are all following jane in a line with trays in their hands. the two couples nearly mirror each other, oliver and harry looking like a younger version of the other two. the sight is so cute, lynn can’t resist the urge to snap a photo.
kathleen takes the cold food (along with jane) out to the garage refrigerator, and harry takes the time to properly introduce oliver and lynn. the boy was just as sweet as his smile, apologizing profusely for not recognizing her in the hallway the other night (apparently harry talks about her. a lot. sometimes he even brings out pictures). harry’s brows furrow at his words, and before lynn can even make up some lie, ren is wrapping her in their arms, going on about how much they missed her.
✮✮✮
“that doesn’t bother you?”
“not anymore,” ren shakes their head. “why? does it bother you?”
“no,” harry feels his face warm at the other’s accusation. “why would it?”
the two are sitting on the back porch, each nursing a cherry cider that silas had graciously supplied while they watch their friends act like complete idiots in the yard. after jane complained about abigail thompson making fun of her lack of jump rope skills in her kindergarten gym class, harry asked tommy and niall to buy a jump rope on their way over. the old, ratty one lynn dug up in the garage definitely wasn’t going to cut it.
it started out as nothing more than a little lesson. oliver and niall swung the rope around while harry and lynn took turns teaching the little girl. honestly, there wasn’t really much to teach. lynn sat on the ground, urging her sister to jump when it was time, and harry only stepped in when he heard frustrated huffs fall past lynn’s lips. after successfully getting two hops in a row with harry’s more gentle coaching approach, jane lost interest and wandered away to her group of school friends that just arrived. the plot was lost not long after.
as soon as silas and ren joined, harry watched as something inside of lynn sparked. she challenged her friends to the old game they used to play on the playground, and then she invited in harry’s friends, too, claiming she needed some younger competition. he doesn’t think he’s ever seen a group of adults become so competitive over a simple game of jump rope.
ren left the group just as things started getting a little too crazy. they muttered something about having bad knees, and harry slid away with them when no one else offered to.
ren shrugs, a smirk already sitting on their lips when he looks over. “dunno. seems like it does though.”
harry rolls his eyes, attention turning back to the more pressing matter. silas and lynn slow dancing in the backyard between their turns. the man twirls her around, warm, bubbly laughter spilling from her mouth. her hands are around his neck and his sit on her waist. he can’t help but wonder how it wasn’t bothering ren, because despite what harry just said, it was certainly bothering him.
“hello?” niall calls. “it’s your turn, lynn. i just got forty six.”
harry doesn’t think he’s ever been more thankful for niall in his entire life. if they weren’t in front of lynn’s entire family, he could’ve kissed him right on the mouth.
the two had met during their freshman year of college, both ending up in the same fraternity. they were acquaintances at most, often showing up to the same events and parties. they chatted here and there, but harry always got the vibe that niall couldn’t stand him. looking back, the distaste was completely warranted. even now harry would’ve found the teenage version of himself to be completely obnoxious.
niall dropped out after their second year, and harry didn’t see him again until he was sitting in front of him during an entry level photography class that he had signed up for. niall recognized him as soon as they all stood up to leave. he was a bit nervous when he gained the other’s attention, but niall simply smiled, introduced him to his friend tommy, and they’ve been hanging out ever since.
“thirty five,” tommy corrects with a sigh. “no one likes a liar, niall.”
he watches as lynn practically tears herself away from silas, blowing him a kiss as she saunters back over to the group. the whole thing has harry realizing that maybe the burn on his skin was from something more than the sun outside.
“their relationship is the reason we broke up the night silas asked me to marry him,” ren randomly admits. their voice is quieter than before, but it has a new serious edge to it. “it’s strictly platonic between them, but he’s protective of her, just like she is of him, and if you want to be with her, it’s something you just have to learn to live with.”
“oh, we’re not—“
“i know,” ren says. “but i can see how you look at them. from the outside, they’re concerningly close to one another. it’s why i asked silas to move to north carolina. i thought it would keep him out of her bed when she called in the middle of the night or stop him from spending hours in that bakery every sunday, but it only had him spending hundreds on plane tickets every month.”
“so, what made you suddenly be okay with it?”
“i met someone who i thought would love me in all the ways silas didn’t, and then i realized that a few nights away and a couple hours on sundays were a fair trade for the way he did love me,” ren takes a sip from their can before clearing their throat. “they both went through some things where they only had each other to get through it. they’re not my stories to share, but once you know, the way they are with each other makes perfect sense.”
before harry can reply, ren’s eyes flick up to silas who’s dragging his feet up the steps with heavy stomps and then dropping himself right on the other’s lap. “tired of jump roping already? you’re such an old man.”
“these knees are not what they used to be.”
“you’re telling me,” ren reaches down to rub their palm over their knee, a small hum of discomfort falling past their lips. “twenty years of soccer and they’ve given up on me.”
“you should talk to oliver,” harry says. “the same thing happened to him. lost his scholarship and everything. i think it’s something that still really bothers him.”
ren nods. “yeah, i will. i haven’t been around in a while. he’s your friend or lynn’s?”
“harry’s boyfriend,” silas teases harry, fingers pinching his reddening cheeks before pointing the boy out. “isn’t he pretty? reminds me of you.”
“oh? boyfriend?” ren replies, eyebrows raised. “i wouldn’t have guessed.”
“yeah, yeah,” harry waves the two off. “whatever.”
silas laughs, falling back against his partner. or ex-turned-friend. harry wasn’t really sure what they were, but when silas peppers kisses to ren’s face, he guesses they’re maybe a little more.
“harry,” lynn grabs his attention, waving him over to where she was sitting alone on the grass. he’s a little embarrassed by how fast he gets up and moves her way and it only worsens when he hears what silas mutters under his breath.
like a moth to a flame.
“sit with me,” she pulls on his hand when he’s closer, and when he does finally sit on the grass next to lynn, she leans so her head rests on his shoulder. “i love your friends.”
“me too,” he hums. “they’re nice, aren’t they?”
“obviously. i mean, they’re your friends,” her fingers pinch at his elbow. “oliver’s cute, too.”
“yeah?” harry laughs, jerking his arm from underneath her. “you guys and all your pinching. i’m an easy bruiser.”
“sure you are,” lynn leans back into the grass. her hair’s fanned around her, and she’s giving him one of her bright, white smiles. it reminds him of when they first met nearly three months ago. she’d look across the table at him with a huge smile on her face. it never really reached her eyes though. at least not the way it does now. she looks happy, and harry thinks he’d do pretty much anything to keep it that way. “are you having fun?”
“so much fun,” harry murmurs. he lets his hand reach out to smooth her hair away from her face. she’s practically beaming, and the sight of her makes his insides feel all gooey. there’s so many words he could use to describe how she looks in this exact moment, but he thinks radiant fits best. he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from her. “what about you, honey? are you having fun?”
harry expects her to nod with soft pink cheeks and a shy smile on her lips, like admitting she was enjoying herself is the most humiliating thing she could possibly do. she’d probably bury her face in the crook of her arm if he teased her about her growing blush, telling him to knock it off. the more time they spent together, the better harry got at reading her and predicting how she was feeling, so he doesn’t understand how he got this situation entirely wrong.
lynn’s expression steels for a second when the question leaves his mouth. her eyebrows gently draw together as she sits up, and when she looks over at him, harry can see her usual shiny, blue eyes soaked with worry. they look glazed over and a little red like she had been rubbing at them.
“i could taste oliver’s minty chapstick when you kissed me,” the softness of her voice makes harry’s stomach twist. she leans her head on her knees, but she keeps her focus on a patch of flowers growing near their feet. “forgot he was here for a minute if i’m being honest. i’m sorry.”
“ev–”
before he can even get the words out, lynn is pressing her fingertips against his lips, shaking her head like she couldn’t possibly bear hearing him finish. “i feel so guilty, harry. every time we’re together, i can’t stop thinking about what it’s doing to him. he doesn’t deserve this.”
“we’re just friends, evy. there’s nothing–”
“i know we are,” she says, eyes boring into his. “i mean, obviously. as if we’d ever be something real.”
“what’s that supposed to mean?” his head tilts to the side, and he was sure that lynn could see the confusion written all over his face. maybe he lets himself think about it too often, but that night at the beach felt incredibly real. at least, it did to him, and a large part of him hoped that it did to her, too.
“i think it’s crazy that anyone even believes we’re together in the first place,” she says. her hand moves to the side, palm motioning to their group of friends that were scattered around them. “i mean, i bet half of the people in this yard have seen all those girls you go home with.”
out of everything he expected lynn to say, he never thought something like that would come from her mouth. the words ring through his mind like a bell, bouncing against his skull with a deafening echo. and really, he knows that he should be offended or hurt, but the only thing flowing through his mind right now is the idea that she thinks he’s dirty, and every moment they spent close to one another made her feel dirty, too.
her admission wraps around them like a weighted blanket. her big, round eyes are peering over at him expectantly, like she’s waiting for him to say something, but the heaviness of it all is suffocating, trapping anything he wants to say in his throat.
“you shouldn’t be over here,” lynn finally breaks the silence. she gives him that sad smile that usually finds its way onto her face right before she lets herself fall apart, and part of him wants to pull her into him and press his lips against her skin.
“this isn’t something you should be letting eat at you like this,” harry breathes. “oliver does-”
“harry, please,” and the way she sounds so broken when she says it makes harry want to cry which is so unfair because if anyone should be upset right now, it should be him. why is he feeling bad for simply existing around her?
“okay,” it’s quiet, and it’s all he trusts himself to say before getting up and brushing the stuck blades of grass off of his jeans and wandering over to his friends.
harry decides on spending the rest of the night away from lynn which doesn’t end up being too hard because she disappears inside soon after and never returns. if anyone notices her absence, they don’t mention it. instead, both of their friend groups join together to drink and swap stories. it’s nice, harry thinks, to be surrounded by a group of so many different people and feel accepted by every single one of them.
when the sun sets, the group moves to sit around a fire built by peter, and only a few minutes pass when jane suddenly appears at harry’s side with a bag of marshmallows and big puppy dog eyes staring back at him. he reveals that her own friends had just left, and niall and tommy decide they were going to follow behind.
so, he sits at the fire with jane on his knees, in between oliver and silas with ren across from him. it’s so easy being around them, and for a while, harry lets himself forget that it’s all pretend. that once he sees lynn again, they’ll probably decide to end things and he’ll keep pretending that the burning in his chest that coincidentally appears every time he’s around her is nothing more than a little acid reflux. it makes him kind of sad to know that this will probably be the last time he’s sitting in the adams’ backyard with tiny marshmallow fingerprints stuck to the knees of his jeans and aching cheeks from smiling so hard.
it’s something he won’t have to face until later though, because when the night ends and oliver’s ready to go, he goes inside to see if kathleen needs help with anything before they do. he expects to find her in the kitchen, but he’s surprised to find her in the living room, watching a movie on the tv. he’s even more surprised when he gets closer, and realizes that she’s sitting with lynn’s head in her lap, fingers running through her hair.
the older woman jumps a little when harry makes his presence known, laughing lightly when she realizes it’s just him.
“sorry ms. kathy,” harry whispers. “i just wanted to make sure that you didn’t need help with anything before oliver and i head out.”
she waves him off, “don’t worry about it. it was just a small back to school thing for the girls and their friends. nothing i can’t handle cleaning up myself.”
“are you sure? i really don’t mind.”
“i’m positive,” her voice is firm, but not in the offputting way it used to be. harry thinks she just doesn’t want him to worry about helping. “you already ran some errands for us earlier. thank you for the offer though.”
harry nods and is about to leave when a white light flashes across the tv. the room becomes just bright enough for him to see the tear tracks dried on lynn’s face, and the sight makes his feet freeze in place. how could he have possibly upset lynn enough to feel the need to crawl into kathleen’s lap?
“don’t worry about her,” her mom offers him a warm smile when she sees the worried look that’s probably etched into his face. “just had a bad reaction to something and said she didn’t want to ruin your night. i’m sure she’ll call tomorrow.”
he wonders if kathleen would be just as nice to him if she were to find out that her bad reaction was being near him?
3 SEPTEMBER 2018
“fuck,” lynn slams her hands against the steering wheel, lips curling inwards at the sight of the long line of traffic that didn’t even seem to be budging. she’s exhausted, both physically and mentally, after spending two long hours sitting in dr. agard’s office. there was nothing she wanted more than to be curled up underneath the weight of all of her covers with her curtains drawn, and instead, she was on her way to meet jackie for dinner, the traffic making her forfeit her usual post therapy shower.
today was her scheduled biweekly appointment at the woman’s lower manhattan office (thank god her office still opened on labor day), and yet she still managed to wake up late. the bright light of the fully risen sun poured through her windows, making her head throb with an excruciating headache as she ran to get ready. lynn wasn’t sure how, but she made it to the parking garage with five minutes to spare. she was running on four extra strength ibuprofen tablets, a pair of sunglasses she stole from amelia, and a dream.
the pair had quite a lot to go over during their short one hundred and twenty minutes together; however, on the drive over, lynn decided that the first order of business was going to be the text she received from jackie at exactly 11:37pm the night prior.
Can we talk tomorrow?
it was straightforward and to the point, but lynn had a bit of trouble responding to it. she was already working so hard on her relationship with her parents, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she would have the time or energy to mend their broken friendship right now.
(and if she were to be brutally honest, she didn’t know if it was something she even wanted to fix.)
she knew that jackie wanted to talk about harry and what sleeping with him really meant for their friendship. they weren’t really together, and lynn was the one that brought up the idea of labeling it as an open relationship, so was she even allowed to be mad at jackie?
when she asked the woman sitting in front of her, she simply pursed her lips and turned the question around, asking lynn if she thinks she should be mad at jackie.
“i don’t know,” lynn had said. “i don’t know a lot of things. that’s why i’m here, isn’t it?”
“why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you, evelyn?”
and that was all it took for her to cave and finally spill what’s been eating at her for the last week.
harry’s radio silence.
lynn really couldn’t blame him for being distant because she was the one who implied that he should be spending time with oliver instead of her; however, she could blame him for the demise of four perfectly good chocolate cupcakes filled with raspberry jam and topped with a mountain of cream cheese frosting.
lynn had spent a good two hours on sunday making a half dozen of the cupcakes as a congratulations for his new job (that she gave him!), but he never showed up for his paperwork that he said he was stopping by to complete. it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if he would’ve just called or texted, but he didn’t.
she felt a little sad as she broke the congratulations sticker seal on the box to move two of the cupcakes to their own individual boxes to take to nora and whoever else agreed to work the late sunday shift, and she felt even worse when she heard the remaining four hit the bottom of the trash can with a thud.
honestly, she could’ve kept them to sell in the morning, but lynn wasn’t sure if they’d be well liked because of their tooth-rotting sweetness. it most definitely didn’t have anything to do with the gut-twisting feeling she got whenever she thought of someone else enjoying the sweet treats that were only ever made for harry.
lynn sat in the bakery surrounded by empty coffee cups and granola bar wrappers for nearly twelve hours just waiting for him to show up. at the ten hour mark, she contemplated on calling to make sure he was still coming, but then she opened up instagram to see that oliver posted a story of a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a little sliver of what was unmistakably harry’s hand in the top right hand corner.
it was stupid, and she was stupid for letting herself cry on the way home. at least that’s what she told dr. agard right before she helped lynn really understand why every single one of her doctors told her to stop pretending with harry. while he was buying flowers for his boyfriend (or whatever oliver was to him), she was sitting alone, desperately wishing that it was her instead.
she felt so embarrassed when she realized just how deep her feelings for him ran. dr. agard passed her a tissue, but lynn felt like an offer of never being perceived by the older woman again would have done the trick. she walked out of that office with her head hanging low, and didn’t pick it up again until she made it to the driver’s door of her car in the parking garage.
whatever. it’s fine. she’s going to be fine.
✮✮✮
“it was never about him,” lynn’s finger circles the stem of her glass as she stares at her reflection in the dark red wine sitting in front of her. meeting the other’s eyes felt nearly impossible. “it was the fact that you would do that to me, jackie. i felt so betrayed.”
“i know. i know,” the girl offers her a sympathetic look and a squeeze of her hand. “i’m sorry, lynn. i should’ve never done that. i just assumed it was something you two had discussed.”
the corners of her mouth turn downwards as she tries to mask the grimace that’s growing on her face. she did not want to be here. lynn tried to get out of the meeting by sending jackie a text to let her know that she probably wouldn’t make it to dinner due to how bad traffic was, but then the girl responded with a “Drinks at mine?”, and how was lynn supposed to argue with that.
it feels… weird being in jackie’s apartment. lynn thinks there’s no other way to describe it. the two were so close in high school. lynn found herself at the girl’s house nearly every day. it was like an escape from her own family, and there was nothing lynn loved more than watching outdated rom coms in jackie’s too-small bed.
her apartment practically embodied the feeling lynn used to get when she walked through her bedroom door. the first time she stayed over, she found the familiarity so warm and comforting. jackie was always so kind to her. it’s so hard to understand how they ended up here.
the girl’s sitting at the other end of the couch, legs tucked up underneath her. her hair’s pulled away from her face, slicked back into a neat bun. there’s a natural blush to her cheeks, probably from the sun’s unforgiving rays, and her nose and under her eyes are dotted with soft freckles. jackie was effortlessly beautiful in all the ways lynn wished she could be. no wonder harry was attracted to her.
“why didn’t it cross your mind to run it by me?”
jackie shrugs around a sip of her jack and coke (the first time lynn saw her drinking one was when she was with harry) (not that it matters), “he’s your boyfriend, lynn. shouldn’t you two talk about that kind of stuff?”
“yeah, well,” lynn clears her throat. her fingers grip the stem just a little bit tighter as she realizes what’s about to fall out of her mouth. “i wouldn’t know. we were never really together.”
“what?” jackie’s brows draw together at her confession. she sits up a little straighter, and angles her body to face lynn just a little bit more. “what do you mean?”
“our moms tried to set us up, and we just went along with it. i don’t know, jackie.”
it’s quiet after her confession, and lynn watches as jackie processes it, her emotions evident on her face as the gears turn in her head.
“so,” the word is so slow falling out of her mouth, you would think that it was made of molasses. “you’re mad at me for sleeping with someone who you weren’t even with? someone who wanted to be with me?”
lynn chokes on her wine at the last part of jackie’s question, staining her shirt with maroon splotches. out of everything she was expecting the other girl to say, that was not one of them. her heart sinks, but she’s not sure if it’s because that is all jackie got out of the conversation, or because she knows if her and harry were speaking, he’d definitely have a little giggle over it.
she knows he would be so polite about it, too. apologetic that she had gotten the wrong impression, but the corners of his mouth would’ve been upturned and his cheeks would be a warm pink. he’d shake his head before widening his eyes and letting out a breath that’d turn into a quiet laugh. he’d look at her from across the room with those soft, green eyes, and…oh, she misses him so much.
lynn uses the back of her hand to wipe away any remnants of wine that were left pooling at the corners of her lips, “i’m upset with you for sleeping with someone that you thought i was with. don’t you get that, jackie? you thought i was with him.”
“but you weren’t,” she frowns. “how can you be so upset with me when he was practically a stranger to you?”
“because you thought i was with him when you did it. you thought that he brought me chocolates when he upset me, and that we spent every weekend at his parents’ dining table. you thought that we spent the night in each other’s beds, and that he kissed me goodnight. you slept with him thinking that he’d come back to me smelling like you. what aren’t you getting about this?”
the younger girl frowns, eyes falling to the space in between them, “i guess i wasn’t really thinking. i’m sorry, lynn.”
“you’ve always been such a wonderful friend to me, jackie. i don’t want to lose that.”
“me, too,” jackie looks at her with big, guilty eyes, and lynn feels her throat start to burn. “i hate that we let a stupid boy in between us, especially one that went after two friends.”
she wants to scream and cry because none of this is harry’s fault. he’s young and stupid and was probably going through a really tough time with his parents and she just…harry didn’t owe her any loyalty, but jackie did, and the way that he was so much more apologetic when he found out that jackie didn’t know makes lynn wonder if their friendship was ever anything real.
“oh my god,” jackie sets her glass on the table. “you like him.”
nothing is confirmed nor denied. instead, lynn looks at her watch before stating that she needs to go and offering to continue this conversation another time. really, she had no intentions of coming back anytime soon.
she’s wanted to cry ever since jackie invited her into the living room. lynn doesn’t think she’s ever felt so hurt by someone in her entire life, and she grew up with the old kathleen as a mother. the older woman was proof that people could change, and perhaps jackie’s just changed for the worse.
still, she hugged her friend goodbye, and shut the door to the apartment with a heavy sigh. she just ached to be home, and something inside of her was starting to realize that home was no longer synonymous with her apartment. it was better described as a feeling. one that she got when she was surrounded by her sisters, or when silas was spending the weekend at her apartment, or in florida, when her and-
“hey blondie," harry’s inside of the elevator when it comes up with a warm smile on his lips. "everything alright?"
“yeah," she forces a smile to match his, hoping the way that she was feeling inside wasn’t showing on her face. god, she was so mad at him, but she doesn’t think she’s ever been happier to see him. "rough day."
"m’sorry, evy,” his lips pull downwards in a frown, and lynn can’t help but wonder if it’s real. does knowing she’s hurting make him hurt, too? because the opposite is true for her. lynn’s chest aches every time he looks over with watery eyes. “were you waiting long for me?"
"i was with jackie," the admission slips from her mouth so easily. like saying it wouldn’t let him know that he was the topic of their conversation. "she wanted to talk."
harry hums as he fumbles with his keys. she’s not really sure how they got here, but they were standing in front of his apartment door. he’s got dark red stained lips that probably match hers and a bag of restaurant leftovers in his hand. she tries to ignore the fact that he probably just came back from dinner with oliver, "how'd it go?"
lynn thinks she’s left with more questions than answers. she appreciates the apology, but if she were to see the girl again, lynn thinks that she could really punch her in the face. maybe it would be because she was hurt. or maybe it would be because she’s filled with ugly, suffocating jealousy every time jackie mentions harry’s name.
that’d be a question for dr. agard.
“if i have to talk about my feelings for another second, i think i’ll explode.”
harry cracks a grin. one of those real, genuine ones that have the dimple popping out near the corner of his mouth. "we can't have that now can we? come on, let's get you some dinner and a sweet treat."
she's standing nearly on top of him as he toes his shoes off once the door’s shut. fuck, she really shouldn’t be here, “that’s okay. you seem busy.”
“nah," he waves her off, locking the front door and leaving her in the foyer as he moves to the kitchen. "never too busy for you. do you want a shower while i cook?"
but you were, lynn wants to say. you were too busy to sign the paperwork for the job i’m giving you. you let me sit there for hours and never texted. never called. and i made you your favorite cupcakes because i know this isn’t a job you’d ever want for yourself. and i just wanted to make sure that you felt welcomed there. that you knew you were wanted.
that i wanted you there.
"your stomach’s practically barking, evy. let me at least feed you.”
“okay,” and when she looks down at her wine stained clothes, “a shower would be great, too.”
lynn sits at the kitchen table with wet hair and a plate of steaming food in front of her. she’s dressed in a pair of her shorts that she found in one of harry’s drawers. they were put next to one of her sweatshirts, too, but she opted for one of his instead. it was larger, and she felt like she was drowning in it when she put it on. it was perfect.
despite how upset she was with him right now, lynn really just wanted to be around him. she’s in his apartment and in his clothes and eating a dinner he made for her, yet he feels so far as he sits on the couch, tapping away on his phone.
there’s no conversation. no small talk. harry occasionally laughs under his breath at something that’s on this screen in front of him, and lynn hates the way that she wishes he was laughing at something she said instead.
“thank you,” she tries. it’s quiet, and she’s not sure if he’s even heard it.
"just leftovers,” his eyes stay glued to his screen. “nothing special.”
“it's special to me," it’s barely a whisper. barely even a breath. there's tears filling her eyes, and she just feels so…much.
you're special to me, she thinks, shoveling a bite of lasagna into her mouth. he had made it once for one of their dinners with his parents, and she wonders if he’s speaking to them again or if he’s made it for someone new. perhaps it was for oliver. maybe he made it for the boy the night that she had picked them up chinese.
the idea makes her not so hungry anymore.
when lynn’s finished, she rinses off her plate and places it in the dishwasher. harry’s still on the couch, and when lynn decides to sit on the other end, she can see him moving even farther away from her in her peripheral vision.
"did i do something, harry?" the words surprise her a bit. normally, lynn was never that forward, but today’s two hours spent with dr. agard made her realize that there’s no point in beating around the bush. all it did was waste time, just like the last twenty years she’s wasted with her mother.
harry stills for a second, eyes looking past his phone before falling onto her. it’s quiet and he’s just staring at her with this look in his eyes that lets her know he’s fighting with himself before he sighs and gives in, "you don't remember what happened at your parents’?"
"of course i do," she says. "i've been racking my brain trying to think of everything i did or said, and i don’t know. i slept a lot that day. we barely saw each other."
“i was hurt when i realized how you felt about me," harry can’t even meet her eyes, and it makes her feel so incredibly guilty. it wasn’t even a month ago when he was pulling her so tight against him like she was the only thing keeping him upright. "i mean, i know everyone has their own opinions when it comes to casual sex, i just... i don't know. i didn't expect it from you."
“what are you talking about?”
"whatever you said about everyone knowing about all of the people i’ve been with," what? "and not that i owe it to you, but i've only-"
"i was high," lynn cuts him off. “i was feeling so stressed and guilty, and i used to get high all the time in college, especially after jaxon. it helped so much, but that day i felt so paranoid and so fucking self conscious after i ate that stupid gummy. i know exactly what conversation you’re talking about. i meant that it was crazy that people thought we were together when they've seen the people you've been with. they're all young and fun and outgoing and so incredibly gorgeous and i'm... im not any of those things. it was a moment of self hatred that i never should've shared with you. i’m sorry, harry.”
his eyes are locked on what she guesses is her knee, and he’s not saying anything. she’s not sure if he’s even listening to her. if he’s even comprehending what she’s trying to say.
"i think so highly of you, you know? and fuck," lynn gasps. when did she start crying? "you're being so incredibly kind to me right now. why didn’t you tell me to fuck right off, harry?”
“lynn,” the use of that name makes her want to cry even harder because harry only seemed to use it when he was upset with her. he reaches for her, but lynn pulls away, standing up to put her shoes back on. “c’mon, stay. talk to me.”
and she wants to. lynn really, really wants to sit on harry’s couch, curled up against his side with trashy reality tv show reruns playing on the tv. he’d pour them each a glass of wine, and as the time passed, he’d make them a snack. she’d probably fall asleep with her mouth open, drool pooling on his tee. he’d wake her up with soft dances of his fingertips against the skin of her arm before offering her a place in his bed or an uber home. of course she’d choose his bed, and lynn would fall back asleep pressed against him.
but she can’t, and she’ll probably never be able to again. if she were being honest with herself, none of it was real to begin with. harry was only ever being kind. plus, he had oliver now, and lynn thinks that any chance at a real friendship has already been ruined by her stupid feelings that keep growing and growing to the point where she feels like they’re suffocating her.
“i really should go,” she says. “i’m sorry.”
and harry doesn’t try to stop her.
4 SEPTEMBER 2018
lynn’s sleeping on her couch when her phone rings for the first time. it was late. the sun had set a long time ago, around the time she had gotten back from harry’s. she showered (again) as soon as she walked inside, and then sat on facetime with silas for what felt like hours. when the boy had to go, she put on modern family for some background noise, and lynn guesses she fell asleep around the fourth episode.
the room has a dim glow supplied by the ‘Still Watching?’ screen when she silences the call, deciding that she’ll call whoever it was back in the morning. honestly, it was probably silas wanting to discuss his date with ren, and that would be easier to stomach when she’s had a breakfast pastry and a soy latte.
her phone rings again, and she silences it again. it’s quiet for a moment, and she rubs her eyes enough to see the time on her phone through the sleepiness that clouded them.
2:47
and underneath it:
harry
missed call
harry
missed call
harry
missed call
lynn frowns, immediately regretting ignoring his calls. he probably really needed something if he was calling her so late, especially with how she left things earlier. before she can call him back, her phone lights up with another incoming call from him.
"harry? are you alright?”
“hi honey," his voice is like syrup when it comes through the speaker, thick and sweet, and lynn guesses that he’s had a drink or two. "i'm fine. i'm outside if you want to let me in.”
"outside of my apartment?"
"i’m sorry it’s late. i would’ve knocked, but i didn't want to scare you," he says. there’s a quiet knock at her door. “hear that? s’me.”
“hold on,” she kicks her blanket off of her. “i’ll be there in a second.”
lynn moves to the kitchen, using dish soap and a paper towel to scrub any remnants of runny mascara off of her cheeks. she ties her hair into a ponytail using her reflection in the refrigerator, and then tosses the crumpled up tissues that were sitting in her pocket from an earlier cry sesh into the trash can before finally moving to the door.
"hey," her voice is scratchy, still a bit of sleep lingering in her throat. "fun night?”
“no,” his eyes are glassy, but not enough to make her think that he’s anywhere near drunk. “how could i have a fun night after the way you left?”
"do you want an apology for killing what was supposed to be a good night with your friends?" she's leaning on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her. "is that why you’re here?"
"what? no, of course not," his face pulls together, but his eyes are soft. "i came here because i owe you an apology. can i come in? please, i miss you, ev.”
lynn purses her lips to stop her growing smile from showing on her face. he was just so cute. how could she say no?
"i’ll let you in if you stop acting like a kicked puppy,” she watches as his hand comes up to his chest, faking offense at her words. he replies with a “am not”, or at least she thinks he does. she can’t really make it out as she’s already moving towards her kitchen to make them each a cup of tea.
she finishes her mug with a splash of cream and his with a spoonful of lavender honey she had picked up at the farmers’s market. when the two spent an afternoon in nora’s coffee shop, he had ordered a lavender latte and an earl gray with lavender syrup, so she knew she had to buy it for him when she passed it sitting on one of the vendor’s tables.
harry takes the mug from her as she sits next to him on one of the couch cushions. he’s already turned off the tv and turned on a lamp for some better lighting. the blanket’s tossed over their legs, and she leans back against the arm of the couch, getting comfortable for what she knew was going to be an uncomfortable conversation.
“why didn't you come?" lynn speaks first, and harry tilts his head to the side. confusion written all over his face at her words. "to the bakery for your onboarding paperwork? i waited all day and you didn't show."
"oh my god,” the boy in front of her seemed to freeze, mug stopping mid-way to his lips. “it totally slipped my mind. why didn't you text me?"
"you were with oliver, and i thought it was intentional." lynn takes a breath, unsure if it’s the tiredness or the glass of wine she had before bed that made her want to be so honest. "i guess i didn't want to know if it was intentional because that would've hurt my feelings more than they already were."
"oh honey," harry murmurs. his thumb brushes over her knee as he cranes his neck to look at her eyes. "i'm sorry. i wish you would've called, but i honestly forgot. i’m such a fucking idiot.”
“it just hurt because i felt like you didn’t want to see me,” she says, lip quivering with her own confession. “which is stupid because i was the one who said we shouldn’t hang out as much.”
“honestly, evy, i didn’t want to see you,” oh, she was so going to cry. “but not because of what you said, or how it made me feel. i was scared that you thought i was dirty, and maybe like…i don’t know. being around me made you feel dirty, too.”
“harry,” her voice is airy, like what he said knocked the wind out of her. “you’ve never made me feel like that.”
“yeah?” he says it like he doesn’t quite believe her, and lynn’s heart aches at the fact that he still invited her into his home even though being around her probably made him violently uncomfortable.
“of course not,” her hand finds his on top of her knee, squeezing once, and he looks at her with one of those soft close-lipped smiles that she adores on his lips.
“i’m not doing that kind of stuff anymore,” his throat clears as his cheeks start to glow pink. “sleeping around or whatever. in case it matters.”
“well, i would hope not,” a faint laugh escapes as she brings her mug to her lips. “you’re seeing oliver, now.”
she tips the drink back, feeling the warm liquid trickle down her throat, and it’s in this moment that lynn realizes harry doesn’t remember the night she walked in on him and one of the many girls from the bar.
she had kicked the girl out before dressing harry in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt that she had found on the floor, and then lynn laid with him in those sheets for what felt like hours. not once did the fact that he had just fucked another girl in between them make her feel dirty. harry was crying so hard, and lynn wasn’t sure if he was even breathing at some points. tending to that was far more important than a sheet change.
eventually, he threw up all over the both of them (even that didn’t gross lynn out). she simply showered and changed his sheets before waiting for him in his bed. looking back, she probably should’ve found the situation at least a little icky. honestly, she barely knew him at that point, but she thinks she’d do it a hundred times over if it meant he wasn’t left to put the pieces of himself back together all on his own.
the idea of reminding him of the night dances around in her head, not for too long though. because now-lynn knew harry, and hearing what happened would just make him feel guilty. even if she was only trying to convey just how crazy the idea of thinking he was dirty was.
she wipes the corner of her mouth with the fabric of her shirt that’s sat on her shoulder. it’s probably a little unflattering, and she bets harry’s going to say something about the box of tissues sitting mere feet from her.
just get a fucking napkin.
she can practically envision the words leaving his lips. instead, he reaches out to wipe her lips with the sleeve of the hoodie he’s wearing. her hoodie, and then, “oliver and i aren’t together. his boyfriend dropped me off, actually.”
“oh, i’m sorry,” lynn apologizes, but harry’s quick to shake his head.
“don’t be,” he looks awfully happy for someone who just lost the boy he’s been yearning for for years. “it’s what i was trying to tell you at your parents’ house. we’re just friends, oliver and i.”
“oh,” she feels so stupid as the word leaves her mouth, but she’s not really sure what else she can say. if he weren’t sitting in front of her, lynn thinks she’d be on her hands and knees thanking whatever god made that happen. she’d promise all of her sunday mornings for the rest of her life if it meant that his relationship with oliver were to stay just that. friends.
“i hate that you were feeling that way,” he says. “i always think you’re the prettiest girl in the room, evelyn. y’practically light up every space you walk into.”
her cheeks burn, the warmth traveling from her neck all the way to the tips of her ears. lynn keeps her eyes focused on their hands that are sat on top of each other in her lap, too embarrassed to look up and meet the other’s eyes.
her teeth dig into her bottom lip as she miserably fails to suppress the grin that’s spreading on her face. harry catches it though, and pinches at her reddening cheeks with a laugh.
“oooh,” harry sings like he’s a middle school aged boy. “someone’s blushing.”
“would you knock it off?” lynn pushes his hand away, laughter overflowing from both of their mouths. it’s the kind that pinches her side and makes her cheeks ache. the kind that she used to envy.
and it’s definitely stupid for her brain to compare this moment to jaxson, but it does anyway. not once did one of their arguments or fights ever end up like this.
not that it mattered, though. because the more sane part of lynn knew that harry was best compared to silas.
the two were so much alike, especially when it came to their friendships and how they treated her. she felt like she mattered to them. like they really did care about her, and lynn knew that feeling wasn’t something that she made up in her head. it was evident in the way harry’s sitting in front of her right now.
when the laughter dies, harry’s looking at her like he knows exactly what’s going on in her head. his free hand reaches for her shoulder while hers are wrapped around the mug in her lap. his fingers squeeze once and then he runs the back of his hand all the way up the side of her throat to her face. his knuckles drag painstakingly slow across her skin, like he’s trying to memorize every curve and every line.
and he’s just… looking. lynn’s not really sure if he’s blinking with how intensely his eyes are boring into hers. it feels so soft and intimate. honestly, she’s never felt anything like it before. maybe it was what love is supposed to feel like, or maybe it was just the lack of sleep.
lynn tilts her face, letting the weight of her head rest against harry’s palm. his thumb brushes against the highest point of her cheek, and she thinks that she’d rather have this for a little bit longer, even if it meant she’d get nothing out of it besides a broken heart.
they’d only ever be friends, and lynn was okay with that. she’d take whatever he’d offer her now, before they got to the yearly dinner stage. they’d sit across from one another to chat and catch up. harry would insist on picking up the bill, and then he’d go home to his partner and kids while lynn spent the night wondering what they could’ve been.
or maybe she’d find someone else, too. a little optimism couldn’t hurt.
“do you want to stay the night?” lynn sits up a little straighter, pretending like whatever just happened between the two didn’t have her melting into a puddle. “i’ve missed you, too, y’know?”
harry nods, a small grin taking over his features, “can i grab a shower?”
“as if i’d ever let you into my bed with your outside clothes on. you know better than that, harry styles.”
harry only laughs, and takes their empty mugs to the sink. he places them in the dishwasher, and lynn watches from the couch as he digs through her drawers looking for a change of clothes before helping himself to her stack of freshly washed towels in the closet.
it feels like she’s betraying herself by letting him get so close. after jaxson, lynn swore she would never let anyone have the chance to get so close to her again, but here harry was, knowing exactly what each drawer in her dresser held and where she kept her bath towels.
there’s a toothbrush labeled ‘HARRY’ that sits in a jar on her bathroom counter. there’s box of sleepy time camomile tea that is only ever touched when he’s in her kitchen. his preferred shampoo sits next to hers on a shelf in her shower, and his side of the bed now has its own phone charger.
perhaps lynn should feel worried, but when she hears the shower start, all she can feel is content. she was going to be okay, even if they were only ever meant to be friends.
✮✮✮
harry wakes up to the sound of lynn humming in her kitchen. it's quiet and soft, and she skips over melodies here and there. like it's something she's doing absentmindedly as she tiptoes around the small space.
her hair's pulled up off of her neck just like it was the first day that they met, and she's wearing the glasses that he hasn't seen since they were in florida. he wonders if the reason behind their disappearance had anything to do with the comment he made comparing her to a soccer mom.
it was such a stupid thing to do. he had said it after one too many mick jagger cosplay jokes influenced his decision to chop off all of his hair, and it’s honestly probably the second biggest regret of his life, only falling behind the way he treated oliver when they were kids.
when lynn had said whatever she did about not being someone harry would ever be into yesterday, he was caught off guard. lynn’s incredibly gorgeous inside and out, and harry doesn’t think he’s ever met someone as kind as she is. he thought his massive crush on her was painfully obvious.
(especially after oliver picked up on it not even thirty minutes into what was supposed to be their first date.)
“you’re awake,” lynn’s looking at him with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “i made breakfast. it’s just oatmeal. i haven’t been to the grocery store in a minute.”
honestly, harry hates oatmeal, but that doesn’t stop him from sitting with lynn in her breakfast nook and eating every single bite, including the second helping that she so graciously offered him. it wasn’t enjoyable by any means, but he thinks he’d do it ten times over just because it was something she made for him.
the two decide on going to the bakery so harry can fill out the paperwork for his new job. the relief that came with the money he got from his paintings was something he wasn’t really expecting, but it felt incredible to not have to be financially reliant on his parents for once. he’d be forever grateful that even lynn offered him the position, and even more so because she held it for him even though she thought harry was blowing her off.
when they walk in, harry’s greeted with the sweet smell of vanilla and cinnamon. the same scent that lynn often comes home smelling like on sundays, and completely unrelated, the same scent of wax melts harry ordered off of amazon when he noticed lynn wasn’t coming around anymore.
it was borderline creepy, but he missed her.
there’s a few unfamiliar faces standing behind the counter, tending to the very long line of people patiently waiting to be served. they all smile brightly when they see lynn coming in, pausing what they’re doing to greet her.
the small bakery that harry’s only ever seen when it was closed is nearly packed to the brim, bustling with chaos as people come and go. nearly every single seat is occupied, and he notices that even more people opt to take their pastries to go.
he knew lynn was successful by the way she’s been so generous with him, but he could’ve never imagined it to be to this extent.
harry watches in awe as lynn greets different people sitting at the tables. she knows all of them by their names, and they seem absolutely delighted to see her which makes him guess they’ve been regulars for a while. he follows her path all the way to the front of the bakery and behind the counter, standing to the side while lynn goes up to the older woman behind the register to give her a squeeze.
“hi delores,” he hears lynn say. “i’m just stopping in to help complete harry’s paperwork so charlotte doesn’t have to worry about it.”
lynn gestures over to him, and harry waves awkwardly at the woman, “ah, the cute boy you’ve got pictures of back there.”
his cheeks warm with embarrassment as he catches lynn’s eye roll before she says something about staying out of her office. he’s knows one of the pictures she’s talking about. it was from their trip to the beach, and honestly, harry nearly cried when he saw it. she had pictures of her and silas and her and another woman that he’s never met, but this photo was just him. lynn probably put it up to make their relationship more believable, but seeing it made him feel…he’s not really sure how to describe it.
harry sat in that back room forever trying to wipe the stupid grin off of his mouth. god, it was like he couldn’t stop it, so when lynn started asking about oliver, he lied. they were most definitely not seeing one another, but it was easier than having to explain why a photo made him so giddy.
lynn leads him back to the office, gesturing for him to sit in the office chair while she leaned over and pulled something up on the computer.
“sorry about delores,” she has her eyes fixed on the screen. “her daughter is the manager, and i guess she’s started a little gossip. i can take them down if you’d like.”
his eyes follow her hand as it reaches for a photo that he’s never seen before. it was of him and jane from the night he spent with their friends at her parents house. the little girl was sat on his knees while he roasted a marshmallow for her. she had the kind of happiness on her face that only exists when you’re a child, and the angle of the photo had silas as the number one culprit.
“i don’t mind,” harry says instead of what he really wants to. he thinks saying i think i am going to die when you decide you’re done with me might be a little too heavy for their current environment.
the girl hums the same song from this morning, and harry recognizes the melody this time, to be alone by hozier. he wonders if she’s always been a listener, or if the night he spent in the bakery influenced her music taste. before he can ask, a white screen on the computer gains his attention, and lynn pushes the mouse towards him.
“fill this out and hit submit whenever you’re done,” she says. “if you need help, i’ll be out there, helping on the register or something.”
harry nods and thanks her before turning to fill in all of the blanks. it was easy. the only part he really had to pay attention to was the taxpayer section, triple checking that he didn’t accidentally select the option that said he had six dependents.
the paperwork was finished in a little over ten minutes which had him wanting to repeatedly punch himself in the face. the thought of lynn waiting around for him all day when she was only asking him for ten minutes of his time made him feel even worse about the whole situation.
lynn walks in when he’s inserting his fourth event into his new google calendar app that was downloaded after making a mental promise of never disappointing the girl again. she already has her bag on her shoulder and two to-go cups from their coffee shop in her hand when she asks if he’s ready.
harry offers her his sunglasses when she complains of a lingering headache on the walk back to her car and she accepts, pushing them onto her face. once they’re inside, lynn pulls out a small white box, congratulations written on the top.
“to celebrate your new job,” she says, handing it over to him. it’s one of the cupcakes he loves. with the cream cheese icing and raspberry filling. if he could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he would.
“evy,” his throat feels scratchy. “i didn’t do anything. you gave me the job.”
she shrugs, putting the car in reverse, “i wouldn’t have offered it if i didn’t think it was something you deserved.”
harry can’t find it in himself to respond. in high school, he was awarded solos in chorus, he got the lead in a few plays, and he even made the winning play for his football team. not once did his parents congratulate him. there were no celebratory dinners, or even a “proud of you”. there was nothing.
and now, the girl he practically worshiped was making him his favorite cupcake to congratulate him for getting a job that he didn’t even work for.
“you’re doing an awful lot of thinking right now, harry. it’s freaking me out,” lynn tries again. “life’s too short to not want to celebrate the small things. eat your cupcake.”
“thank you, evy,” harry says. there’s force behind it. like his words aren’t just being said because they’re supposed to be when someone does something for you. “all of this means so much to me. i feel like i can’t find the words to say what i’m feeling.”
her hand reaches for his, squeezing once. she doesn’t say anything and harry realizes that maybe words aren’t needed at all.
kathleen calls when they’re in her complex’s apartment. jane was sick and needed to be picked up from school, and both her and peter were far out at work.
“i’ve got her,” harry says. “you don’t feel well, and you’ve done so much for me. rest, and i’ll do this.”
lynn hesitates for a minute, but eventually agrees, telling kathy to leave harry’s name with the receptionist. she thanks him with a kiss on his cheek and the keys to her car which jane’s carseat in the back.
maybe all of this meant their relationship was turned out to be more than the fake one they both had agreed to. of course they were friends, but harry had always thought that they were friends out of convenience. the two had to spend a lot of time together, so it’d make sense if they hung out as friends, too.
but, maybe being there at each others’ worst and helping one another out in such big ways meant that they were destined to be friends way after their arrangement ends. a small part of him hoped that would be true, and the larger part of him hoped that they’d end up being even more.
✮✮✮
A/N: waaaaa sorry it took so literal months to post this :( never will i disappear for so long again... anyways! this is almost finished! the rest is written so i'll have it out so soon i swear
