Note to self: Ban Lana Del Rey from the sick-bay playlist. This is what sent me down a spiral.
I’m stepping away for a bit to actually breathe. I realized that I was doing okay—navigating the usual ripples of grief and this lingering cold—until Dark Paradise came on my playlist.
As a Bard, I should know better. I’m sensitive to the vibe of music, and that song hit me like an emotional freight train, especially after the dream I had this morning. It’s on the Bianca/Sephiroth playlist for a reason (the yearning, the undeath, the physical distance) and as I was writing a one-shot about them and put on thier playlist that song came on. Listening to it while I’m already deep in the trenches of a C-PTSD flare was a tactical error. It turned a heavy day into a full-on spiral of self-loathing.
So, lesson learned. No Lana when the spirit is already thin. We’re sticking to Erutan and Celtic Woman from here on out.
I love you all, and I feel the weight of the unanswered DMs, but I’m too drugged on NyQuil and grief to be a good friend or even an admin for my club today. I’m waiting for Justin to get home with my cane so I can take my self outside. I need to be a Druid for an hour. I need to touch the bark of a tree, smell the spring air, and remind my body that I am still part of the living world.
I need to spend some time with Colette, Sephiroth, Zack, and Bianca, and then just be present with my external husband. No digital screens. No plastic keys. Just skin, earth, and breath.
I’ll likely be back tomorrow, but I’m taking it easy for the rest of the week, due to being sick and this new flareup. I need to untrap myself from this spiral and remember how to breathe.
Take care of yourselves, and watch out for your playlists. They can be treacherous, if you are already vulnerable.
