#bartenderrants

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

700 Followers

You guys. 

This is so huge. 

You like me, you love me, you think I’m a bitch.

Have you noticed I’ve been a bit silent lately? 

I moved across the country and got a regular job and haven’t been bartending as much. And I don’t want to fake it with you, because you always know when someone’s faking, don’t you? You know you do.

It’s my goal to pick up more shifts so I can share with you the douchebaggery of bar-goings in LA, as a nice juxtoposition to the years of NYC abuse I shared here with you up until this point. We are not over, you hear me???? 

Also, you following me gives me more self-esteem than I had while I was in college (although that bar is sitting pretty low, so take from that what you will), and for that, I thank you. This is also my plea to you to never leave me. Never. 

[beergoddess-lewhoo]

Don't you hate it when a customer knows more about your job than you do? Ugh. How have i been doing this for 7 years??

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

Get Out.

Him: You can't kick me out. hhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

New Rule.

I am not your therapist. 

I can play nice and lend an ear on most occasions. The problem with relying on your bartender to work out every one of your issues, however, is that you start expecting something outside of the realistic confines of that relationship. I have a real degree and licensure in mental health. I very well could be your therapist, but you aren’t paying me enough. If you come into my bar and emotionally rape me (i.e. unload your sticky self-loathing onto me without my consent) and in the process try to take me down a few notches for your own benefit (when you realize suddenly I am not living up to those misplaced levels of expectation I warned you about), I will drop you quicker than you can say, “get some friends outside of your local bar.”

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

Hungry.

Her: I know this is so weird, like I am so weird for doing this, you're probably going to laugh, but like, could I just get like a cup full of olives? Order a damn meal, wench.

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

Cheap Shaming

After a night of me playing DJ for your mom’s birthday, over-serving you drinks, and generally allowing you to act however you want, you better believe that if you try to leave me no money on a $300 tab, I will publicly shame you.

As they walked away…

Me: DID YOU MEAN TO LEAVE ME NOTHING ON A THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR TAB?

Them: …what?

Me: DID. YOU. MEAN. TO. LEAVE. ME. NOTHING. ON A. THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR TAB??

Them: what are you talking about?

Me: Let’s do it again. DID YOU MEAN TO LEAVE ME NOTHING ON A THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR TAB.

Believe me, if they didn’t want to tip me before, they didn’t want to tip me then. But the great thing about public humiliation and drunk people with low self esteem is that they really don’t want other people in the bar to know how much they suck.

Thanks guys, come again.

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

Crumbled.

Nothing shows me I'm doing a great job more than you ripping up the 20s in front of me rather than leave them as a tip.

[chroniclesofabarmaid]

Still Not Okay.

Him: So my son’s friend. She’s 14, but looks 17 you know? And we went to the beach and her boobs were falling out and —

Ooooohhhh. You think saying a 14 year old looks like a 17 year old makes you LESS creepy!! Nope! You shouldn’t differentiate between 14 and 17 this way. A 14 year old who looks like a 17 year old STILL looks like a kid. You see? Now you’re gross. Now you're just a gross, gross daddy.