#basil ramblings

[basiltonsbones]

I hate having a full stomach

I also hate having an empty stomach

There is no winning

[basiltonsbones]

I ordered just straight matcha tea but I got a matcha latte :/

it was fine it probably tasted better but still

whole milk in drinks just seems wrong to me now, if a drink has more than 25 calories it better have alcohol in it otherwise it isn’t worth it to me

[basiltonsbones]

I have been a bit confused about why I still struggle so much with food when all the things that started this don’t exist anymore. When I was in 7th grade until I graduated I struggled massively with social anxiety, generalized anxiety, depression, and just general poor self worth and body image. I think the combination of the above led to my developing and eating disorder. Then all of that almost completely went away, except for my feelings about food. I would get a bit stressed, or eat a bit too much one day, or try to lose weight “healthily” and suddenly all the same thoughts and feelings would come back. The need to restrict, the anxiety around food, the obsession with the number on the scale. I didn’t really know why because it no longer felt that deep? Like it didn’t feel like I really wanted this or believed this I just suddenly had the urge to starve and had all these emotions and thoughts about food. And sometimes I would give in, like I have for the past few months. The emotions were there, the habits were there, but it’s never felt the way it did in high school. I didn’t really want or believe this, so why was I making myself miserable about food when all the underlying causes had gone away?

I think I’ve figured it out. For six years I trained my brain that under certain circumstances and during certain emotions we restrict food and we feel all these emotions about food. It was real enough then, but eventually it just became habit. My brains neurons got used to firing in certain orders and triggering certain thoughts and feelings under various different stimuli, those pathways got stronger. Like water brains take the path of least resistance, and if they have done something enough times they wear a path into the stone that they will always take unless forced to try a different route. After years of restricting and feeling guilty about food those pathways are really strong and so it’s very easy for my brain to fall back on them even long after the things that caused those pathways to form in the first place are gone.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. For me, at this time in my life, my relationship with food is not that deep. It’s not that restrictive dieting is what I really truly want, it’s not that there’s some underlying reason I feel the need to starve, it’s not that there’s something wrong with my brain, my brain has just developed a really strong habit of feeling shit about and trying to control food. For me, it’s not that deep.

I feel relieved, because you can retrain your brain with time, it’s just like training any other kind of animal. I think realizing that this isn’t who I am has made me realize that I can stop. That the thoughts and feelings causing me stress and the stress causing me to restrict are nothing more than my brain doing the very thing I taught it to do means that it’s not something intrinsic to me I have to obey. I can resist, I can retrain my brain, and I might be able to recover.

I am going to try to recover.

[basiltonsbones]

okay okay okay

so here’s the plan (ignore the fact I have a new plan every other week or something)

I aim to eat 750 calories a day as a goal not a limit, calories over roll over to the next day but I still can’t eat under 500.

I get stressed and feel like I’ve eaten too much no matter how little I eat and I feel too tired to do anything when I don’t have enough food. And I feel like I should try to enjoy life and not fuck up my body too much. So. Yeah. That’s the plan.

[basiltonsbones]

I sort of want to tell people in my life about my feelings with food just because I really don’t like having secrets and I want to be able to talk about it

but I do not want to try to recover now, likely ever, so I’m not sure how that would go across lol

and part of me feels like I’m just being dramatic and that there’s nothing really that wrong with me so why would I bring it up

[basiltonsbones]

I should be able to eat under 750 calories starting tomorrow. I need to feel in control of myself. I hate states of exception. I hate eating with others. I hate not being able to control my food more than anything. More than I care about losing weight I care about the comfort and safety of knowing and controlling everything I eat.

[basiltonsbones]

I am still freaking out a little bit about how much food I’m eating this week but it’s only five more days and like only three more of days I risk going over maintenance. Sunday/Monday I’ll probably pretty easily stay under maintenance and starting Tuesday I can start properly restricting. So I will be fine. I mean it is literally just food lol there’s no doubt I’ll survive.

[basiltonsbones]

Going out with my little sister and buying giant beautiful ice cream is worth the calories because I love her and our memories are more important than my weight

(desperately trying to convince myself)