#batwynn talks

[batwynn]

Update:

Got my socks. Got my Humira!

[strategistandsourwolf]

Hi! I love your death!stiles and king!derek art so much, well I love all your work honestly, any chance it’ll be put on your RedBubble? <3

Hello, and thank you! I won’t be putting it up on RedBubble, though, since the original idea/design belongs to @benaya-trash. Sorry! <3 

[batwynn]

I got a call from the human rights campaign earlier this evening. It’s been a little while, but they still have me on their records as some ‘big spender’ because of the $1.5k we raised with the fandom calendars that one year. It was awkward and kind of awful to have to tell her I can’t even afford food right now. You could hear the wind go out of her sails when I said it, as apologetic as I was. I think most of her calls are ending the same way, and I feel even worse now. I wish things were better. I wish I was a 1.5k a year donation kind of flush. I wish the drought hadn’t killed all our food growing plans this year. I wish I had more to give back. But I also am just so fucking sad that we’re all in the same pit passing the same $30 between one another. Because we care about each other, but none of us are doing super great and it’s just fucking unfair.

[batwynn]

I don’t know why it’s so hard to say but I’m going to just fucking say it.

I’m scared.

For myself, my mom, my cats, my friends, my disabled and queer communities, strangers, entire countries, etc.

I’m just really fucking scared.

[batwynn]

Hey so

Not to be a downer, but just a heads up. If I vanish for a decent period of time suddenly and don’t come back online, it’s probably bad news and uh… against my will? Shit is hitting the fan big time and I’m not one of those little warrior types who is going to survive this. I’m disabled, trans, poor, and fucking hated by everyone around me lol. Ain’t no one going to save me.

(I’m not in immediate danger, but there are some things working against me that could mean impending danger. I am also NOT SUICIDAL. I’m literally hanging on by a fingernail for my cats. If I die, it is NOT BY MY HAND.)

TLDR: If I vanish for at least a month or so, I’m probably dead because America the Great or wtfever. I do have a queue of positive posts that I think I tagged as ‘scheduled’ or whatever, so it should be clear I’m not actively making posts if this does happen and nothing else is posted. Please enjoy my foolish attempts at positive affirmations after I’m gone. I hope, at the very least, I make some people smile after all this.

Details below:

1: I live near what was supposed to be a dead airbase that they just kind of re-activated a little bit and still shows up on a lot of active US army maps due to people being fucking stupid. It was known for storing a shit ton of nukes. And by near I mean I’m directly next to it. So… yeah.

2: I’m trans and actively outed as trans to at least 40 something people in town due to the fact that I’m outed by my medical records, keep having to see different doctors/specialists/ER visits and my local hospital literally is know for nurses breaking HIPPA and chatting about people’s personal shit on fucking facebook. (I have seen this with my own eyes almost every other day on the town’s facebook groups.) That, and one asshole’s vendetta against me because I said to the pride group last year that maybe we shouldn’t feature Trump supporters who voted our rights away and then had the pride group share my fucking information with her before deciding they didn’t want to ban her anyway. Sooo. People know who I am, that I’m trans, and where I live. I live in rural Maine. It’s pretty much all nazi assholes here. It’s not great. 🤷

3: My neighbors have been spreading rumors about us for some fucking apparent reason, so some people in town think we are drug users and/or drug runners?? Idfk because I’ve never even interacted with these assholes, but two people in town now have mentioned it and then Oopsie Faced realizing that these assholes were talking about us to them. Again, never did more than smile and wave at them and, apparently, having prayer flags up was super offensive to them since they drove over and stared at them for a half a fucking hour last year. Important note: that same facebook group is regularly filled with people spitting the most vile hatred about the actual local drug users and how they need to be culled. There’s been very little push back against that kind of talk. So like. Extra yay.

4: Stalker guy. I don’t know what this guy’s deal is, but he’s still stalking us. It’s been three fucking years and he still slows down or outright stops to fucking STARE AT US when we’re outside or just like… to stare at our yard when we aren’t outside. Idfk. I really don’t know. But it’s not great and I 100% have no one to fucking call about this or get help from.

5: I’m sick af. All the chronic stuff I have is now worse because I’ve been thrown headfirst into what looks like POTS at 10000% power. I’m really, really struggling to just be awake and upright every single day now, and I refuse to go back to the ER after the complete bullshit last time. I also never got my immunosuppressant back so I’m doing fucking BADLY in that department as well. So like. I may just genuinely die at home one of these days from fucking all 30 diseases and problems I already have. 👏

So, yeah. If it’s gonna happen, this year would be the time. I won’t have an obit since I only have one family member who lives right here with me and she 100% won’t survive any of this shit either. (She has her own really concerning health stuff, too)

If this does happen, I have one request. Please take a moment (if the world isn’t like… actively ending) and sit down to draw something. Anything. Silly, serious, weird, anything. You don’t have to be ‘good’ or whatever that means. Just doodle a little something for me, please. Thank you.

[batwynn]

The dermatologist wasn’t a jerk!

My previous, asshole dermatologist never sent any records so now I have to wait on their whims and pettiness to get back on the med after all.

[batwynn]

I’m in so much pain from this move that tears are just involuntarily leaking out of my eyes. I can barely talk. I genuinely can’t move or walk right now. My hands are shaking so much I’m dropping everything. And I still have all of today and half of tomorrow to pack, lift, store, hold the kitties in my lap for four hours on the road, lift, store some more.

Just need to remind myself constantly that I’m doing this for them. So the cats stop coughing and wheezing, so my mom’s COPD can chill out a bit. So they can be warm. And have hot water. And shower. Even for a little while. It’s worth it. It’s worth it. It’s worth it.

Ok now I take a few Ibuprofen and get back to work. 💀

[batwynn]

Well. All this delay for Humira because of asshole doctors has caused my body to open a wound in a spot that 100% ruins your life and very often kills you. And the moment this impending bill goes through I’ll lose my insurance anyway. That’s it for me, folks.

Be right back I’m really fucking angry and upset.