Uhmmmm this lwk turned into a vent so W
Honestly? I’ve been thinking of running away. I could leave, i literally could just leave. I don’t know where I would go, nor do I have the money to go anywhere, but I could just leave. I’m not enjoying my life anymore, but I don’t want to die. I wanna go to a far away city, out of this stupid country, where nobody knows me, and just start over. I’m so done with being taken for granted or being feminized or just being there. I want to know who will come looking for me, and I want my parents to realize what they’ll lose. I keep saying I’m done with trying to search approval, but I don’t even care about my grades but I still have straight As because I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I don’t care about school, I don’t remember most of the day anymore. My symptoms are screaming stress but I can’t do a fuck thing about it and any concern I express to my parents is brushed off (perks of being a middle child hahahaha). And more, I don’t wanna self diagnose, but the more I look into it, the more I start to think I’m autistic and I’ve just been masking my full life—and I tried telling my mom about it and she just went “no, if you had it, we would’ve noticed when you were younger.” You wouldn’t have!!! I have never been 100% honest with you in my entire life!!! I have barely been honest to myself, for fucks sake
More stupid like I’ve been yearning so much. I want to be loved and I want to be touched, but my stomach drops whenever I even think about someone else seeing my body. I’m terrified of being seen as a girl or being fetishized. I fucking hate being trans. Trans and gay cuz what if a guy does end up liking me but then he realizes I’m not a real boy because I don’t have a dick. And it fucking sucks too because my body is actually good for being female. I hate that I’m trans.
