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Looking towards the mountains! Surprisingly warm today #bend #bendoregon #bendoregonlife #bendriver #southsistermountain #mtbatchelor #wintertime #outdoor (at Bend, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrYYjaFgBP7/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=8okrlmn3fmud

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I need to talk about envy.

Having one of those 2 in the morning, really should go to bed instead moments of encountering a Gay man who's person is just so fucking awesome, who is so sexy, so incredibly thoughtful and attractive that my desire to meet and get to know this person is overwhelmed by the fact that I just really cannot imagine ever being on the same level as this guy.

I'm being totally up-front about this with myself and saying that I envy some guys. We all do now and then, no matter how much we may like ourselves and be happy with who we are, and anyone who says they never do is a liar. People normally brush these feelings off by telling you to grow yourself, be a better you, work on whatever it is you think isn't up to scratch, stop comparing yourself to other people and concentrate on becoming the best version of you you can.

Helpful advice? No. It's just not reasonable to imagine that we can all live in an ego bubble where our only frame of reference is ourselves. We all meet people we admire and would like to emulate. We all meet people we admire so much that we simply cannot imagine actually ever being as amazing as them. We have all experienced that moment of realisation, sometimes as a celebration kinda like "oh thank you Universe for having these amazing people in you and for inspiring us with their superlative qualities.". or depending on our frame of mind we interpret that realisation as "Oh shit, thanks Universe, now I am painfully aware of my own shortcomings and can only wish (fruitlessly) to be more like that amazing person.".

That second reaction is the kind of envy I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some mopey type who enjoys lacerating myself with constant reaffirmations of my own lameness. On the contrary I like myself, broadly speaking, and have a strong confidence level about who I am and who I am evolving into. Anyone who knows me personally would probably agree with that. But I'm also not one of those people who lives in a false land of hubris all the time who is unaware of the things I could stand to improve or the things I must just make my peace with and learn to love.

But yeah, sometimes, once in a blue moon I'm just reminded that while I normally never have a problem with just saying hi to a guy I find attractive no matter whether I think I stand a chance or not that sometimes I really should just hold my weesht (as they say here) and admire and appreciate some very special guys from afar. And that's kinda crushing too. I'm going to consciously choose the celebratory response now though, and go with thanking the Universe for it's infinite capacity to create the wonderful and be happy this guy exists.

#bendriver