The many masks of FEAR
“Who am I to do this? Am I a fake, a phony? That person is better than me. Who am I do to do the thing that I want to do? The thing that I love to do? Why do I deserve to do it? Those people are so sad, shouldn’t I be sad? Shouldn’t I be happy? Do I deserve to be happy? Is this the right move? What the fork am I doing? Why do I get to thrive when other people are struggling? Who am I to have this life? Who the heck do I think I am?”
Holy moly. I witness these little bugger thoughts(is that a curse word in the UK? Language is funny) on the daily as I am living in change as I committed to the next chapter of my life. Oooh, sometimes I start to believe in them and start spinning and, bless me, my shoulders go up to my ears. That really hurts.
Then, BAM I realize I’m smack in the middle of a pattern. Seeking love and approval from the outside.
All the thoughts basically translate for me into fear (dun dun dun): “What will they think of me?”
Snap.
That again? Ugh. Waking up to yourself, ain’t always pretty (at first).
After I remember “I’m witnessing these thoughts, so I am not these thoughts. I’m the witness” after a few minutes, days, months, it gets easier. I even start laughing at the pattern when I see it coming up. It’s a clue to where my perceived limits are. In the process, I notice who I really needed the love and approval from (myself).
I revere and love you people, but if I live according to the fear “What will they think of me” I am betraying myself and you.
I’m making you an object to get that love and approval for myself, so interactions become about getting from you instead of actually seeing you as you are and being of service to you with all that I have to give (it feels gross and it’s exhausting!). I don’t enjoy you this way, because I’m not really with you. I don’t enjoy me this way because I am feeding my fear. I’ve done it, I do it, and every day I do my best to move beyond. Telling the truth in the moment helps. I am healing.
I also play a game. I use my fear like a big flashing arrow, pointing to the action (or idea) that triggered it saying: This! This is something you really love and care about, lean in! You will be uncomfortable for a bit, and you’re fine/will be fine! OR EVEN This! This is something that really isn’t working anymore! Where are you lying to yourself? Okay, I forgive you. Now, what’s the truth?
Fear is annoying and also super helpful.
If not used in a healthy way, fear will keep you compact. Yours may say:
I don’t have enough time to (write that book, mend that friendship, tell that person I’m thinking of them, take a nap, walk, volunteer, drink water during the day ETC ETC ETC).
I don’t have enough money to (CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE).
I don’t have enough (fill in the blank here).
I’m not enough...
When (this thing happens) I will feel good. If she did this I would feel better. If only he would apologize...if only we had different politicians, then… if only he would take me seriously...if that person hadn’t done this thing that really pissed me off...If I only had this job/this experience/this significant other...if/if/when/if/when...
“FEAR” thoughts (wearing their Halloween costumes early).
Believing them and living in accordance with them is giving your precious energy away/disempowering yourself. Really, it’s not taking responsibility for your experience but putting it on the shoulders of others, conditional behavior or situations. IT HURTS and never satiates.
Flip those scripts, “ I will...I feel...I am...” That is a powerful place to move from.
A big part of my work is helping people take responsibility for their own experience. That does not mean we sit or stay quiet in the world, turn a blind eye to our brothers and sisters, or stop working to make our cultural systems better for everyone. It means we live with integrity and those things come more naturally, we can be more for the world, more for others. From this place, we have more space to be the solution. We are off the hook for each other’s happiness, and from that healthy place, we can actually enhance each other’s happiness. Oooh, it feels good.
Seriously, you’re off the hook for my happiness. My life is on me. I love you and I will forget and I then I will remember, but you’re off the hook regardless.
Thank you and you’re welcome.
Living this way, our precious energy can be used for fun and solutions and family bonding and art and science and kissing and cuddling pets and writing songs/books and learning and feeling the grass on our feet and putting our energy towards helping others from our overflowing cup and enjoying friends and dreaming big and taking aligned action and tasting this sandwich and eating cheese and laughing at ourselves and loving each other. Actually being present in our lives. Being present with each other, with the Earth. Doing the things that we’ve always wanted to do. Moving from this space, you’re free to do it. So do it. Be it.
And if you are in the middle of taking responsibility for your experience, feeling the shake-up and like you have lost the ground beneath your feet, you will be okay. I feel you. I see you. I love you. Go, you! You will find the ground. You will lose it again. Keep going and find a healthy friend(someone who has been through the trees and has come out on the other side) to talk to about it with. Better yet, both of you join in on the Saturday community call via Zoom.
You are all so beautiful. The way you feel sad sometimes but you get out of bed anyway. The way you breathe without trying. The way you love others. The way you are working to love yourself just as you are. The fact that you’re literally supported in each moment of your life and sometimes you forget(and if you don’t believe in a higher power, you’re LITERALLY supported by your neck and shoulders, by the Earth, by the chair you’re sitting on). So silly. So beautiful.
We’re all here floating in space on this big blue rock thingy having a human experience and WOW, isn’t it hard and tender and scary and silly and happy and sad and beyond description?
Isn’t it amazing that we’re all in this thing together?
We are. Without exception.
You are loved. You are love. I love you.