Remember when the losers of the manosphere realized they could no longer pretend to be alpha males, even to themselves, so they invented the sigma male (which, when you think about it is actually better than being an alpha male)?
Babygirl, you're not a lone-wolf secret leader, you're just a failure.
I have a confession. Even though I'm super jazzed about my kitten trio, I'm really looking forward to seeing them grow up. Kittens and puppies will never be as cute as cats and dogs.
I need every manager in charge of people to please collectively realize that an unfriendly person who is a hard worker is worth a hundred friendly employees who aren't.
You heard Me. Or rather did not. Because I'm not here.
"..." The praying figure blinked in confusion before speaking again, "But I very much did hear you actually."
Not necessarily. You could be hallucinating. Perhaps there was something in those mushrooms you ate.
"I didn't eat any mushrooms, though," said the figure.
Oh.
"Can't stand them. Very earthy."
Still though.
"What?" The figure seemed even more confused. "What do you mean still though?"
Are you questioning GOD?
"Well, that's just it. I'm not entirely sure."
Oh. That makes sense, given My insistence that I am not, in fact, here.
"Yeah, that hasn't helped the situation."
Mm.
"Yeah." The figure bounced on his heels a few times. "Shame He isn't here."
Oh?
"Indeed. I was hoping to have a prayer answered."
Ha. You and every other human.
"Ah, yes. I suppose that can be a problem."
You have no idea.
"No, I don't suppose I would." The figure scratched his nose idly. "So who are you?"
Eh? Oh. Uhm. Just a voice in the wind. Yes, that seems likely.
"You did answer when I asked for God, though."
Hm.
"Just pointing that out. You might've stayed silent." The figure waited a moment. Perhaps the unknown voice was all in his imagination.
It's not in your imagination.
"Ah. So you can read my mind, then."
Very light reading, honestly.
"Rude."
Honest.
"Hurtful."
Yes.
"Er," the figure paused, unsure how to proceed. "I'm a prophet of God, y'know."
Oh? And which one are you?
"I thought you'd know."
I do know.
"Ah."
I know everything.
"Bit like God?"
Careful.
"Just an observation. As you obviously know, I'm Quel'yth'ron."
Yes. I know. I just don't see the need for all those apostrophes.
"Blame my parents. They delighted in unnecessary punctuation."
Yes. I remember.
"My brother's name is @l@n," Quel'yth'ron said. "And my sister is just an interrobang."
Did I smite your parents?
"I feel like you'd know."
Not that it's any of your business, Quel, but there is a distinct and important difference between knowing everything and also remembering it.
"I see."
Good.
"Though, if you can't remember something, do you really know it?"
Are you a philosopher?
"No, I'm a prophet. There's a distinct but important difference."
Shut up.
"I would, but I feel like that would make things more difficult."
For whom?
"The reader, for one."
The reader. Listen to yourself. Your name has two unnecessary apostrophes and you're suddenly worried about the reader.
"Fair. Are you actually God?"
Not that it's any of your business, but yes. I am.
"Why the earlier denial?"
Do not presume to question the will of GOD!
"Ah. Mysterious ways, then."
Don't be so flippant.
"Sorry. I just really wanted You to hear my prayer."
To what end?
"Answering it, for a start."
Hmph.
"Will You hear my prayer, O God?"
Fine.
"Are you there Go-"
We did this bit.
"Sorry."
Skip ahead, man.
"Yes, alright." Quel'yth'ron took a deep breath, "O God, wouldst thou in Thy infinite wisdom..."
Talk normal.
"What?"
Stuff that 'thou/Thy' nonsense. Just ask me like a person.
"You're not a person."
Careful.
"Ah." There was a long pause.
Well?
"I'm rather nervous about asking now."
Look. I promise to hear your prayer and answer you. Alright? Does that set your mind at ease?
"Not really."
Don't push your luck, prophet.
"Alright. O God, my village is suffering a horrible drought. Can you spare us some rain?"
Rain? I am the GOD of all reality, Creator of Heaven and Earth and you ask me for rain?
"It's really dry."
You live in a desert. On purpose. Of course it's dry.
"It wasn't always a desert."
I'm aware. You humans really messed up the whole ecology. And now you dare to come to Me to fix it for you.
"Well, we can't really do it ourselves."
Don't I bloody well know it.
"Er."
Please GOD, stop the war. Please GOD, punish the unbelievers. Please GOD, can I have a fucking pony!? I'm not Santa Claus, you know.
"Yes?"
He's a giant fat man with a massive P.R. team. Elves, he calls them, but that's not what they are. Goblins more like. Santa Claus can die in a fire. And he WILL.
"Uh," Quel'yth'ron thought that this was not the best time to interject. God tended to get all wrath-y and smite-y when in full rant mode. Nevertheless, he was unable to stop himself. "It's just rain."
Just rain. Ha! Just rain now, perhaps. But where does it end? When do you humans pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and take responsibility? Bloody never if I have to keep bailing you out of all your problems. Problems, I might add, which are completely and entirely your own fault.
"..." Quel'yth'ron let the silence hang in the air, tensing slightly at the echo of the words in his bones. He also was trying very hard not to think about the fact that completely and entirely were redundant terms. Perhaps God thought that redundancy was emphatic, like those strange people who put quotation marks around words instead of *asterisks*. "Is that a no?"
Is that a no? That's you. That's how you sound, prophet. Believe me, if I tell you NO you will have no doubts whether or not I did, thank you very much. Is that a no? The cheek of you.
It's because you didn't actually expect Me to answer.
"I..." Quel'yth'ron stared at his sandals for a while. This had not gone at all according to plan, and it was a prayer he had practiced a great many times. In the not-shower he didn't take most mornings. Because of the drought.
"What?"
You don't believe in Me, prophet. I can see your heart. And, more importantly, I can see your brain where the thoughts actually are. You don't believe I exist even though you claim to be my prophet.
"Bit of a giveaway, though. You talking to me now."
Have you considered that you might be insane?
"Er."
You do live in a desert. On purpose.
"But-"
But nothing, prophet.
"Everyone has to live somewhere."
No one has to live. Anywhere. Ever heard about the Flood?
"We could use it, honestly. What with the drought."
You're very casual with the Almighty, prophet.
"Well, I might just be insane."
Ha!
"I don't think so, though."
You barely think at all. None of you humans ever do. You just stare at shiny rectangles.
"Phones?"
You can't possibly expect Me to remember the names of every dumb little thing you lot concoct.
"They're quite important."
They're quite important!? They've only been around for fifteen years or so. That's fifteen of the six thousand years since the dawn of Creation. I swear to Myself that everytime one of you lot manages to stop masturbating long enough to hammer something together, you suddenly believe that you're the be-all and end-all. Quite important!
"Wait, what?"
Which part is unclear to you, prophet?
"Look, I know there are people that believe that we've only been around for six thousand years."
Yes.
"But they're...y'know, idiots."
Ha! Here you are speaking directly to the Creator of all things, and He is telling you directly that those people are one hundred percent correct, and you call THEM idiots.
"One hundred percent correct?"
Absolutely.
"What about science and engineering? Dinosaur bones?"
That was a test. Some of you passed. Most of you did not.
"I don't understand."
No. I do not suppose you would.
"Why though?"
I've banished angels to Hell for less than the tone you are currently taking with Me.
"So I'm supposed to just accept that all human knowledge is folly?"
Yes.
"Ah." Quel'yth'ron paused, scratching idly at his scruffy beard. "We've had phones for more than fifteen years."
I meant the shiny rectangle ones. With the pornography and suchlike.
"Ah, the smartphones."
The cheek of it. Smart. Hmph. As if anything your puny minds create contains even a spark of the Divine.
"Well."
None of you use them as phones anyway. You just look at pictures and videos. Graven images, I reckon. Don't you people read my Commandments?
"They've become more of a prop for right-wing nutbars."
Those right winged nutted bars as you call them are my Chosen.
"Gross."
What?
"Nothing. Uhm," Quel'yth'ron scratched his forehead in concentration. "You know what?"
I know everything.
"Look, it's a figure of speech."
Sounds a bit graven image-y.
"Moving past that, I think I have changed my mind."
Oh?
"Yup. I no longer want your help."
I was never going to give it to you.
"Yeah, that's become quite clear."
Still though.
"You were right before. I don't believe in you. And I think I have possibly gone insane. Honestly, it's starting to seem like the whole world has."
Well, at least it won't be much longer.
"No, I expect not. We'll destroy ourselves and you'll start over."
Not necessarily.
"Oh? There's hope after all?"
No. I just may not start over. This whole process has been a huge disappointment.
