ive just been thinking a lot about how like i tried to reconnect with one of my exs (one who ive only talked about on here like a couple times so like if youre not one of my like seven close friends its not the ex you might be thinking about) and i still dont know if they blocked me and never got the text or if they just ignored it but whatever
i dont care about that anymore that much. i mean i do but its not particularly what im emo about tonight. more what im thinking about is the person who like. tried to sabotage all my friendships or whatever. and i dont like saying that cuz it sounds so dramatic and it wasnt QUITE that dramatic but i also dont wanna name drop so like whatever. but i just really wish i knew why. and ive talked about it with friends before and like nobody can really give me an answer other than like ‘theyre just an asshole’ but i just dont understand why it was me. because it very clearly targeted me. if they were just an asshole they wouldve fucked up our whole friend group. but it was just me. and i want to know why. when it happened i asked and they just said like ‘you have so much hate in your heart’ or some shit but its bullshit cuz i never shit talked people any less than anyone else in our friend group and ‘shit talk’ is even a stretch because most of it was like. me complaining about people being difficult because i was a staff member in a server. like you know, how employees complain about customers. but sure i just have a lot of hate in my heart dont i
and unrelated tothe real point but i think what made it hurt the most was that i really felt like i was getting closer to them as a friend the couple of weeks before they fucked me over. like i thought we were really connecting with each other. that and its kind of fucked up that i ended up being kind of the only person in our friend group who actually liked them as a friend and they targeted me alone.
i dunno. i can still contact them if i tried but im scared of the answer. even if they stuck with the bullshit ‘hate in your heart’ excuse i think it would just wreck me to know. probably the only answer that wouldnt make me break down would be like ‘i dont know why i did it you didnt do anything i was just being destructive’ or something like that
but i dont think they would give way that easily
