#big status update

[persephonesidekick]

I wrote up a draft of a post about the weird and vaguely horrifying relationship to A Bridge to Terabithia I had as a kid. I’m sort of strategizing how I want to tag it because I want it to be seen. Ten year old persephonesidekick wanted so desperately to be remembered as she was, but I’m not still on speaking terms with anybody who even met her, much less understood her. She grew into me which was a good thing I think, but it’s not what she wanted.

Really I need more than a post; I need to write a story she would have wanted to write. I owe her this nanowrimo I think; I’m alive at her expense.

[persephonesidekick]

Okay I’m back. It’s been years so probably nobody remembers me but whatever, I like this blog name. This site wasn’t always super healthy for me, but it’s way better than sitting alone obsessively reading news and never interacting with another human for days at a time. So I’m back.

I guess I should say how my life is going? It’s hard to care enough to summarize how I was doing before covid happened, but I guess I was basically fine. As for now, I’m hiding successfully in my little burrow and I’m not sick yet. I have an incredibly badly timed injury which kind of makes it independently hard to breathe and I’m a little worried about how that might interact with the virus if I get it. Nobody I love has died yet.

I’m tired and scared and lonely and stir crazy and frustrated and in nontrivial physical pain. I’m really sorry I only log on when something terrible has happened. Nobody should feel obligated to still follow me or be my friend. It’s enough if I can just watch the world around me, see people being alive.

[persephonesidekick]

Things other than heart attacks shouldn’t be allowed to cause radiating chest pain. That shit should be reserved. Because no amount previous past normal heart tests or other blatant GERD symptoms can stop it from being terrifying every single time. And then the fear makes it hurt more obviously.

This is the third time I’ve been kept up all night, in too much pain to sleep or really do anything, but lucid enough be scared and bored. And I can’t even take deep breaths to calm down because whatever stupid muscle tear happened to me like 6 weeks ago still hasn’t healed.

I miss breathing. And sleep. And being able to run around or jump up and down and lots of other stims. And go outside I guess.

I was going to end with a comment like “honestly dying of a heart attack sounds really relaxing right now” but I don’t really mean it and people would worry. For the past ten years at least, I’ve been very good at wanting to survive, honestly more than most people really. I am experiencing the emotion best expressed as “I can’t take this anymore.” But actually I can and I do, it just sucks.

It’s actually will to live that makes me not go to the emergency room right now ironically. I know damn well this isn’t a heart attack on a factual level. It would just be to reassure myself and would be way more likely to kill me than save me under the circumstances.

And like I’m more viscerally scared of covid than heart attacks right now anyway. The idea of something making it even harder to breathe feels just so unacceptable right now.

[persephonesidekick]

It’s really surreal having new completely unrelated medium-sized medical problems in the middle of a global pandemic. My day is focused on finding stuff I can eat that don’t make me in too much pain to sleep. It’s not lost on me that both horns of this dilemma aren’t great for my immune system. And the fact that taking deep breaths hurts feels like it can’t help either. But it’s not like I leave the house anyway I guess, so whatever.

[persephonesidekick]

I’ve been off tumblr for a few days now, and since I expect this to continue for while, possibly a long while, I want to tell my mutuals why so they don’t feel worried or rejected.

It’s a pure self-care decision. I think it’s healthiest for me emotionally to limit my engagement with politics to short bursts when I am actively planning, preparing, processing new useful information and doing actual specific activism. I don’t think any practical amount of filtering will make that possible to do on tumblr.

I’m also willing to talk to my friends that need to emotionally process or vent, again only in short bursts. Basically any mutual that I’ve exchanged messages with is potentially in that category, and if you want to talk to me about that or anything else, you can send an ask and I will get an email notification.

Take care y’all. I’ll miss you.

[persephonesidekick]

I really wanted to go to the protests, but it just ended up being painfully clear that I’d just be a drain on medical resources at best. Like if I push myself too hard I’ll just make work for my friends who’ll have to take care of me instead of fighting. So like the only thing I can do is try to be emotionally supportive, and to ask for as little as possible. Which I am undermining by making an angsty post like this.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a net benefit to the cause and I hate that.

[persephonesidekick]

I have to go to an actual physical doctor’s office to get an MRI today and I’m scared.

[persephonesidekick]

I can’t deal with this shit anymore and it’s annoying having to unfollow people one at a time, so I’m going to do this the efficient way even if it risks people yelling at me:

If you think harassing survivors for their coping mechanisms and shipping choices is more important than protecting actual kids from actual abuse please unfollow me and reevaluate your priorities. And like if I’m following you by mistake people block or soft block me so I can avoid seeing this stuff anymore.

If you’re a close mutual who wants to have a conversation about it go ahead and ask but if haven’t talked before just go.