4 and a half years of hell
Warnings: Triggers of pretty much everything in this post So it’s almost to that time again. Almost to that time when I met everyone. I don’t want to wish that I could erase those 4 years. Because then I wouldn’t have met some amazing people. People that stuck with me through everything that has happened. People who believed me and were there and knew. I don’t think I would have survived without you guys. But I just wish that I could erase certain things from these 4 years. Maybe if I hadn’t done some things, or hadn’t been stupid and made those decisions.. things might have been better. I might not have gotten into a relationship that I grew to hate and fear. I might have had the self esteem to leave when she cheated the first time, back when we had only been dating for a few months. Might have a house of my own by now... a nice job.. would have finished school a lot faster. Maybe I would have moved. *shrug* I sure as hell wouldn’t be struggling with my shit still in boxes and my clothes in duffle bags. I might have met someone that really cared for me as a person. Not what I could do for them. What I could get them. Or a way of pissing off people. Someone who listened to me and didn’t tear me down emotionally to a point where I didn’t think it as worth leaving them. To the point where I was scared to death of leaving them. Someone who made me feel so small, I wanted to die sometimes because if this is how the person who loves me treats me, then what hope was there that anyone else would treat me better? If someone hadn’t stepped in and helped me, I would have killed myself and no one would have known why and she would have probably came up with some story like she usually did. And no one would have known. Picture perfect life would have been still picture perfect without anyone else to say anything against it. Not that most believed me really... Maybe I should have done that. I guess I’ll never know what would have happened. I think it might have been better....