Two Truths and a Lie
We played two truths and a lie this morning during our weekly office meeting. Ironic, considering my life is unraveling trying to distinguish the truth in my partner’s lies.
I’ve always ranked honesty as our top relationship quality. Looking back, I blush thinking of all the times over a glass of red wine, at the end of another marriage venting session, I’d brush over our faults and say, “But X would never lie to me.” And yet, lie he did.
Let me back up a few weeks. X came home late one night after another rough day at work, brushed past me and said, “Hard day. I don’t want to talk.” Then plopped into bed and fell asleep within minutes. His phone buzzed on the bedroom floor, the charging light blinking in the dark. Something felt off and for the first time in our history, I snooped.
I wasn’t looking for text messages from a sexy mistress or flirty texts sent to co-workers. Honestly, I didn’t know what I was looking for but something in me told me there was something wrong. I found nothing but lost some respect for myself.
X has been drinking a lot more lately and casually brought up the idea of medicinal marijuana more than once in the past six months. Unless you’ve lived with an addict, it’s hard to explain the manipulative tone they get when talking about drinking or drugs. It’s too casual, too pre-planned, and sometimes too convincing. They are so good at the game of emotional chess that you start thinking, “Is this normal and casual usage? Am I the one making it more than it is? Maybe I’m just paranoid.” Trust me, you’re not.
The misconception I’ve heard from outsiders is that the problem with your partner’s addictions arise when they’re drunk or high. But from experience, it’s not the worst of it. X shoots into rapid-cycling bipolar episodes around the four-beer (or two joints) benchmark but he talks himself down from it. The real problem starts when he hasn’t had a drink or smoke, when I’m the one standing in the way of him and the next high. He used to call and ask permission to have a beer or smoke with his friends and I started feeling more like his parole officer than wife. I never said no but stated facts and ended with, “But you’re an adult, make the decision but handle the consequences.”
At some point he just stopped asking me. He started spending more time playing sports and gulping down beers with friends, rather than talking to me. By the time I get home he’s so exhausted from his day he just sleeps and ignores me. I didn’t know about the drinking until last night. I assumed the combination of bipolar meds and heavy physical activity was wiping him out. His anger, stress, yelling, and depression are getting out of hand again though. He finally admitted he’s been drinking and not telling me, as well as getting high on whatever he can find and hide.
No wonder his days off are miserable for he and I both. He can’t stand to be around me, because that means sobriety. And I can’t stand to be around someone who obviously doesn’t want me there.
The silver lining? X decided he wants to start up with NA and start addressing his addiction.
Addicts aren’t simply addicted to drugs; they’re addicted to chaos. If X wasn’t drinking or getting high, he’d be wreaking havoc on our marriage with unnecessary fights or raising hell at work. It’s a pattern. Every six months I start preparing for the next hurricane. When things are too comfortable for too long, X starts to feel uncomfortable. He gets an itch and needs to shake things up, bringing me along on an involuntary ride.
So, two truths and a lie:
-I love my husband.
-My husband loves me.
-We want to be happy.
Can’t spot the lie? Neither can I.