#bishimdeppressed

[bishimdepressed]

One of my dreams last night was me revisiting my child hood home and finding out how drastically it had changed. The entire park behind my house had been leveled amd turned into ugly buildings, all chrome and metal and the original gas station was ripped out and turned into a factory. I was so upset upon waking up because the real possibility of this happening.

Mind you when i was little, id gaze out of my bedroom window at the big soccer field behind my house, the little park behind that w a few hills and trees and playground equipemtn. The swingsets that i could run down to and swing on all barely within earshot of my step mothers whistle when it was time to come home. The pad of concrete that would host the splash pad in the summer. Beyond all of that was the outline of the mill by the train tracks. I could open my window and listen as the train blew its horn going through town. And even further, the looming outline of the mountains, encompasing most of the skyline.

[bishimdepressed]

i have strange dreams, always have. My mind creates stories for me in my sleep and upon waking i do not always remember. Tonight i remembered some.

I was in a house. It was dark, but not pitch black, more dark in the way the house w few windows on a cloud covered day looks. I recall being in a small room at the top of the stairs, an empty room with old dark blue wall paper. Worn and damaged by time and the dampness that comes with an abandoned house. I was uneasy, there was a.. presence in the house. More than one. On the far left side of the wall, 2 outlines impressed on the wall paper. Side by side the vague human shaped forms cause the wall paper to crumple as it does when paper gets wet. The form on the right was taller, broader. I almost feared it. On the left, i had the sense it was left from a pregnant woman.

I turned to face the stair and coming up from the depths of the first floor, a ghost of a man clad in a long black heavy duty military style jacket, collar propped up, his head a strange yellow boxed form morphing between triangular and cubed. His body and presence seemingly fazing in and out of the walls as he climbed the stair.

I felt fear and turned to face the outlines on the wall, approaching the shape of the woman. Something spoke in my head, telling me to take shelter there. So i stood against the wall, nose not quite touching the dampened paper as it seemed to BREATHE, the outline pulling from the wall in an attempt to make contact w my skin. I did not fear it. She spoke to me more, the words appearing in my thoughts though i cannot say what. I had the impression she was hiding me from the form on the stairs and i awoke.

[bishimdepressed]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Damn, i really started this blog when i was 16 and suicidal. Now im 26 and, well. Actually not suicidal anymore but its nice to keep the outlet when i need it. Also blood and guts is just nice.

[bishimdepressed]

I hate my relationship w food...

[bishimdepressed]

Ever just want to kill yourself because youre a fucking idiot who set the bag of groceries to the side and forgot to grab it after checking out and now youve just paid for an entire bag of groceries and fucking forgotten it at the store....

[bishimdepressed]

[bishimdepressed]

Really fighting off a meltdown here and I know its cause I havent eaten much substantial today. Everything is making my existence feel disgusting. I feel like something is grating at the back of my skull and down my spine, sending signals that something is horrible, awful, and I cant pinpoint it but its tainting everything. The thought of food is repulsive and makes my teeth clench. Every noise in my ears makes me want to stab someone.

[bishimdepressed]

finally watching Tokyo Gore Police and this is much more whimsical than I anticipated and I love it.