#brain damage talk

[uozlulu]

Did some research tonight and apparently my trouble riding in the car to the next town over and back could be related to the fact I had COVID during the holidays. If the initial scientific studies are relatively accurate and my ability to diffuse CO is the culprit, the good news is is that my lungs' diffusing capacity for CO should improve though it might take like a year and a half to tell x___x

So I guess I get to have brain damage migraines periodically for a while if this is the case. Might also explain why I end most nights with a low key brain damage headache too.

[uozlulu]

My head doesn't hurt anymore but the last 48 hours I've been getting a lot of....idek what to call them. I used to call them "brain shivers," but I think that's an actual medical term that appears to be describing a different phenomena

But I keep getting like a kind of coldness at the back of my head but on the inside (doesn't feel cold to the touch) and there are like cold shivers emanating from seemingly my cerebellum. It doesn't hurt anymore but it is a bit distracting when they happen because it makes my whole body shiver with it.

I don't think it's a seizure because it doesn't feel like one (no fatigue, no aura, etc...) but it's a little distracting. I'm trying to figure out what might be causing it and I think the culprit might be something I can't technically control, so idek

[uozlulu]

This year I keep getting low key brain damage headaches (and sometimes high key brain damage migraines) and I am so tired. I am so, so tired. Like normally I get 1 - 4 brain damage migraines a year and maybe the occasional brain damage headache here and there small enough I don't really super think about it, but this is just ridiculous.

I mean obviously it's probably what feels like a roaming pocket of inflammation that I've been dealing with post-COVID but mean release me. I am so tired. I want to go back to the brain damage headache pattern I did for 40 years.

[uozlulu]

I was comparing Dodarebachi to some of my other Kagurabachi fics, and I'm suspecting that I went hypomanic at some point last year and recovering from COVID might have knocked me out of it. This fic is more coherent and the writing process was less frenzied.

I probably should have realized when I suddenly wrote 12 fics in a year that something was up but I was just so into it and into things and go go go that I didn't really analyze it properly lol

Well now that I'm out of that state, my fics will be better if I write anymore this year because I did do a good job on Dodarebachi. We'll see how it goes.

This does explain why my novel was just not doing what I wanted it to do though.

[uozlulu]

If my brain could stop processing the black fan dial in the hallway as a moving object of size that would be great.

[uozlulu]

I think part of what makes Fruits Basket hard to watch is because I used to be Kyo and I had to you know make the choice to be free or be shoved into the dark room with no light or windows, which I suppose in my own life is the closet, and here I am in the closet (among other things), in that dark room with no light or windows.

Although sometimes I think I get to see through the cracks in the plaster and around the door that doesn't quite fit to its molding any longer.

And that I think is why it's hard because it's reminding me not only of where I used to be as a teenager but of my own weaknesses, choices, and circumstances that I have to power through daily as an adult like it doesn't bother me because I'm not allowed to express myself IRL and what I'm thinking IRL if it's too depressing or sad.

Like I suppose it should motivate me to try and break free from what holds me back but, like Kyo with the beast version of the cat, what holds me back the most is my own brain damage, which I can’t really get rid of

[uozlulu]

Midoriya dealing with the side effects of One for All and his early mismanagement of it has to be one of the most relatable things in manga and anime I’ve seen in some time. Body screaming in stinging pain? You can move. You have to move. You have no choice. Find a way through the pain. Find a way through the numbness. Find a way to compensate when you can’t use your hand(s). Find it within yourself to keep going forward. You can do it. You have to. 

[uozlulu]

I can't imagine what this whole 3D CGI animated movie craze must be like to be a kid who can't watch them because it's getting kind of frustrating even as an adult who enjoys family friendly movies from time to time especially with added nostalgia factor. Also, it's kind of extra bumsticks that if I do have kids someday there's like a whole genre of movies I can't watch with them on fun family movie nights (though of course they can watch them themselves and such but you know what I mean? Like when your'e a kid and it's more fun because everyone watches together you know?

It also makes me curious if this is an indication that my brain damage is getting worse or 3D CGI movies are just that technically advanced now or maybe both