It would've been a cliché to describe the weather dull, gray and filled with sadness for a day at the cemetery, but this was London and those were the exact words for that morning. Dull, gray, sad, threatening to wet the heavy dark coat he was wearing. He could Apparate home, he thought, grab his umbrella and then try to come back sometime later. He chose to stay, though, scared that once he left the place, he wouldn't return.
It was still very early and the air was ice cold. He couldn't feel most of his face, part of him wanted to dump the flowers away so he could have his hands free to rub over his ears to warm them up. He didn't throw the flowers away, in fact, he held them carefully as he walked trying to find a tombstone carrying the name of his past lover.
The guilt of not visiting Thomas' tombstone since the day they buried him seemed to grow bigger each time he thought he'd found a Thomas and realized it had a different last name. Guilt was a feeling he had learnt to carry for the past year, it was stronger in the first few months but it burned low on the good days Andy kept him too busy to think of (Thomas) anything else. When he finally found the tombstone with the right last name, he took a moment to read each letter to make sure this was it. Thomas William McCarthy Abercrombie. Right.
He made a quick work with his wand to fix the broken vase to put the flowers in it and cast a cleaning spell over the stone to remove all the dirty and grass around it. He eyed his work and smiled weakly. Better, I guess. His eyes had carefully avoided the photo of Thomas but it wasn't like he could avoid for too long. He cursed Merlin and other wizards for the moving photographs, he half wished they were like Muggles and the image would be still, that way he wouldn't see Thomas laughing so carefree, almost being able to hear his voice. Gods he missed him.
"Hey," his voice was kinda broken but there was no one but him there so he didn't even feel ashamed, "So, uh… It's been a year now." Nick rubbed the back of hand over his cheek, not knowing what to say or do. "I… I hope… You're good, right? Safe? In peace?" he wondered, like he did every night in bed alone, "You're not in pain, right?" because he'd never forget the image of Thomas' body when they found him and he definitely felt pain, "You- I… I'm sorry, you know, I didn't- Couldn't- Fuck." the blond sat down on the ground in front of the tomb and waited for his body to calm down, his throat burned and the tears felt like fire against his freezing skin.
With eyes closed he waited and he wasn't sure if minutes or hours passed but he waited. "I'm a father, you know," he whispered when he felt he wouldn't start sobbing once more, a confession he half wished he'd never make, not to Thomas, "He's beautiful. Chubby. He drools a lot," he grinned thinking about how Thomas kept saying babies were gross, "You were right, babies are basically just sleep, eat and shit, but Andy smiles too and he makes noises that I think are supposed to be words? And he learns new things everyday and it's… It's kinda great, Tomo, it's… I wish- I wish you could've met him." he admits still aware that Thomas wasn't a great fan of babies.
"You didn't believe in fate, did you?" he asks eyeing the photo of the happy Thomas on the stone, "You'd probably think this is the dumbest thing ever and dislike my son even more for this but… His name is Thomas." he closes his eye half embarrassed, not that he has anything to be embarrassed about, but he can just imagine the horrified look Thomas would give him, "To clarify, I didn't name him, okay? So don't think I'm that lame and would name my son after my… My dead boyfriend," he chokes up appalled at his own words and swallowed hard before continuing, "Uh, yeah, I didn't- I call him Andy. His mother did too, by the way. His name is Thomas Andrew but she only called him Andy so, yeah I… There's a new Thomas in my life." his smile was a mix of bitterness and content, "And I'm… I still miss you. Like a lot, okay?" he could feel the tears coming again so he rushed to finish his speech, "And I still dream you're alive so often that sometimes I think you're just… Just in your dorm room in Hogwarts and that's why you're not with me but that any minute you'll storm in and kiss me, telling me to be quiet or they'll caught us together or you… But you're not, right? I won't see you again or kiss you again. You're right here," his fist closed over the cold stone, "And I'm sorry, Tomo. I really am."
He whispered a few more words, made promises and confessions. Not feeling any better than he felt when he first got there but not worse either. He kissed the photo quickly before getting up and cleaning the dirt from his clothes. He didn't say goodbye or looked back, he would come back again a year later and bring Andrew with him and explain to him who was this 'other Thomas'. And they would do that for many years, stopping by to put new flowers and clean his stone. Sometimes Nick would tell him a fact about the dark curly haired dead boy and sometimes he'd just stare and then tell him it was time to leave.
And it wasn't until Andy turned 14 and overheard a chat between two professors that Dead Thomas wasn't just daddy's friend. And suddenly all the times he asked his dad why he refused to call him Thomas (because Andy totally thought 'Thomas' was a much cooler name than Andy and wanted to be known as such) made a lot more sense. So he dropped and never asked to be called Thomas again and the following weekend he owled Nick asking to meet him and gave him a hug and told him he loved him.
Andrew never mentioned he knew who the other Thomas was to Nicholas, nor did Nick ask why Andrew suddenly stop complaing about having to visit Thomas tombstone when 'he didn't even met the guy when he was alive'. It wasn't something they talked about and that was okay, things were better. Much better.