JUST CHILLAX NOOB
———
1K Special, well almost 1K at this time. But I finished LOADING the story online and this impatient zoomin’ TF just can’t wait!
Do read the prequel A Shift in Attractions as well as Chastize Thy Son as it does tie into the Camp Christening series. Links underlined below.
A Shift in Attractions.
Chastize Thy Son
I would link more but there’s a whole bunch! Scroll down both @dumb-and-jocked and my pages for the rest of the series and tons of other exciting stuff!
———
“Wah…you’ll gonna love it brother…made it fresh and LIT!”
The businessman eyed at the Asian College student that walked up to counter of the ‘E- Cafe’. Holding a bottle of milky white substance as it bubbled impatiently like the go-getter Zoomer that held it.
The forty-five year old man couldn’t help but envy at the sight of a young, youthful guy fresh in college. Being able to dress so easily in just a simple tee and shorts is a leisure he didn’t really have for a long time, save at home when he wasn’t having a meeting or a date.
Which was kind of why he was here today, a sort of meeting/date with his fiancé, in order to set the record straight on finances, company-policies and what not, grown-up business stuff that has to be taken care of despite their love for one another.
He had lived long enough to know to always be careful as a wealthy businessman.
“Yeah, Dad was so proud of me, man!”
Of course…sometimes he wishes to that he could have just returned to that young adult naivety and relax.
Sure the college asian was far from the most spectacular looking guy, especially with those incredibly irresistible pastors he’d peeked online from the nearby camp, but the man at was still really handsome.
In his gamer-filled splendour, short simple cut and beady eyes, the engaged man wished it was already the bachelor’s party…so that he would have an excuse to be gushing over the mandarin E-Boi who walked up to him with a swagger.
An overwhelming cheekiness only further captured his heart, he didn’t even question why he felt so overly drawn to the guy, taking yet another whiff of that thick waft of sports cologne, invading his nostrils and his thoughts as he succumbed to its wearer.
“Eh Bro! You’ve gotta try this mocktail man…it’ll help you Hetfix and CHILL…!”
Sadly, despite being more than twice the size and weight of the other male, Jax Schmidt’s simply fell putty to the Asian E-boi’s recommendation, allowing the cheeky guy to usher him into the gamer bar.
Maybe he could get him interning at his company. Surely his partner wouldn’t mind some eye candy now and then.
All he had to do was find out his name…
“What’s the drink called?”
Of course, in his dazed stupor, he spotted the waiter bring over said drink in a cylindrical glass. Filled to the brim with translucent red liquid, and a huge milky settlement at the bottom, oddly bubbling and creamy flavouring.
At least he thought it was flavouring.
But its better to just find out himself, right? As the young man brought the drink to his palms, gently holding it, as he in turn placed his lips on the straw, finding out his destiny.
“Just Chillax, Noob…”
With such reassurance, the businessman suctioned in the liquid, tasting traces of raspberries and energy drinks alongside several other flavours that was mixed in the drink. However, there was one particular ingredient in which he absolutely adored.
The sweet and salty bubbling cream.
There wasn’t any alcohol in it…and yet he felt even more fogged up than one of his wine testing sessions. Like sweet and salty youthfulness combined into one, yet also exotic, oriental….and oddly familiar?
Almost as if he was drinking the zoomer’s se-
“Oh shyt…didn’t mix it well enough…”
Looking down at his drink, noticing he drink a considerable fifth or so of it. But notably being that the bubbling settlement being fully gone, leaving behind the raspberry soda energy drink as he placed it down on the table.
Laying back, an overwhelming dizziness surged within him like no other, as he struggled to glance at the asian man, who looked as sheepish as ever.
“Well…Have fun Brotha!”
With that, the college student gave him a good pat on the shoulder, and dashed off out of sight.
…
…What?
Did he scare him off? But he felt so…sluggish, so…lazy even. He didn’t feel like getting up, all he wanted to do was to just…
Just Chillax~
Grip, grip….
Laying back lazily on the couch, one hand gripping his privates shamelessly, mouth agape in its dazed-out stupor, not sparing his grown-up drool from dripping down as he gazed over on the messy coach.
Turning to his left, spotting an odd uncapped bottle nearly-identical to the one that zoomer had earlier. Alongside a bunch of plastic bags, a laptop and a really cool looking backpack.
…Wait…was this his stuff? Didn’t he have a suitcase filled with papers and…his laptop? Yeah in his backpack was his laptop, and he’d brought alongside a bunch of junk food in case he got hungry or something. It was quite irresponsible for him not to bring the physical copies of the agreements, but everything’s done digitally nowadays anyway right?
Just Chillax…
BZZT
Picking up the phone on his right, as he winced at the stickiness of it, as though it was slathered with fresh lotion…or maybe he had really sweaty palms just now. A familiar sweet and salty raspberry scent wafted around his nostrils as he brought his Cisdroid Pro up front.
Odd, he could’ve sworn he had a more liberal model…but a man like him had to always be up to date with technology right?
BLIP!
>Darling: Hey hun…sorry I’ll be sort of late, got an urgent call with a client
Mr Schmidt frowned.
For some reason, he felt kinda pissed at his fiancé’s message. Not out of punctuality or anything, he understood they were both busy men and had to jerk now and then but…
Jerk? He must be more annoyed than he thought.
Continually kneading his manhood, still frustrated and quite dry despite being pent. No eye candy and no fiancé to gush over, his re-igniting hormones desperately needed something to focus onto, right after responding back to-
‘Amung Os: Update finished’
Press…
His thumb instinctively pressed the notification, almost like a daily habit for the man as an iconic mobile game flashed into play, engulfing the whole screen as a flashy animation of the ‘Brothamates’ inside a spaceship blasted on the screen.
He normally doesn’t play games, but this one…felt different! Loosening his Windsor knot, he began to sink deeper in his seat, getting into the mood of relaxing, although his new office tie seemed to be much thinner…redder, and more plastic than it was before.
Whatever, he can complain to the tailor later right now he wanted to try-
Press-
“AMUGOS!”
“AMUGOS!”
Loud boisterous jeers came from the app, connecting to the other ‘Playahs’ as the lobby filled up in an instant, blasting as his earbuds popped right into both of his ears, giving him a full HD-sound definition of these Boiz.
Not sure when he got those red cheap elastic headphones, but its far less itchy than a stuffy old man’s tie.
Invigorating, smoothing out the wrinkles on his forehead. And man…was it igniting a fire in his sack, he might have just turned forty, but man listening to men like his young cheeky acquaintance Ben just makes him feel like a decade younger.
Wait…the college guy’s name was Ben? Did he manage to get his number just now? And the more important question, FORTY? Surely a Fag like him ain’t that THAT OLD! …Not saying its wrong or anything! But could’ve sworn he was just in his late thirties as a top-level manager.
Wait, did he just refer to himself as a f-?
-YOU ARE A FAGPOSTER-
The game began with a thunderous uproar, as his heart sank. Oh Shyt-! Like how Benjamin would slur. He was not immature…or at least THAT immature, but his mind instantly reeled at the term used to describe his given role in the game…
He definitely should be more angry and upset that the game had such used such a term, but spending time with Ben really made him…Just Chillax about it.
Its just ‘shyt talk’ between bros after all, sure there’s abit of aggression, but there’s nothing gay about it!
Wait a minute…
“Pink’s Butt-Peach looking kinda sus.”
“Yeah DAMN, like a woman’s!”
“Got any girl gamers in our group?”
Joax flushed, literally pink out of embarrassment as he continued to edge himself further, and further. Palms de-matured themselves onward. Wrinkled skin smoothening out to fresh palms and nimble fingers, built for fast reflexes. Like gaming!
His buddy Benjamin said he could be really great at it after all. Heh! Maybe he had a chance! For a quick release.
“…I’m a guy..-“
“GAY!”
“HOMO!”
“FAGPOSTER!!!!”
Almost immediately, every other player unanimously voted for the gay dude, sending him out of the Brothaship.
YOU LOSE FAG, TRY AGAIN! 10, 9, 8….
An obnoxious pop-up air-horned right up in his ear-drums, heart-pumpin’ yet still makes his D-throbbin’. Startled, yet Ironically snapping the man more outta his dazed state.
“Ugh…shyyyyt! I’ll win the next one…!”
The middle-manager slurred, grinning. It honestly felt good speakin’ like that. His bud Benjamin was right! Office life can be such a drag sometimes. But being around all these zoomin’ college boiz really refreshes your system.
Slouching his back, screwin’ his posture like what some older dudes like tellin’ him. Spinal chord contracting something whatever! He is already sorta above 6ft…which was kinda a weird flex but made him stand out for the wrong reasons.
His complexion tho, the rumours around camp christening were TRU! Spending time around those asians does ‘orientate’ your body!
Peachiness melting into a more light-tanned tone down his fingers. Was he part asian? That made sense! The interns told him so! And they were right! They were sooo meant for gaming! It was just like him!
Man was it worth skipping his duties to spend time with those interns. Playing mobile games on their phone and yelling a lot was his JAM, simple but ‘Duckin Ez’ as the young college men kept growling.
And therefore it should be simple enough to win…
-AMUNG OS!-
“Heheh…Amugos…Os…”
Rekindling grunts, sophistication giving way to stupidity as buttons began fusing in the middle, collar reattaching to the outer layer to form a more trendy outlook.
Silk giving away to a rougher, stereotypical material, pants tightening alongside his constricted thighs, as his belly sunk down towards a gut for a more Chillax approach to his diet.
Besides, his mouth craved for more memes, mindless lingo like the rest of them-
Message from BF dude
>’Still having a call, have to do a bunch more work all of a sudden…’
…Wait, he had a BF?
Squinting his eyes narrower than his growing heritage. Thought he was…single? Scrunching his nose, a single backward thought echoed in his mind.
‘Kinda gay ngl.’
Degrading like carbon, the ring over on his finger lost its sheen, replaced by simple yet exaggerated cheapness, mass produced from a convention downtown.
…Yet something stuck out, no homo but a signature from the game developer stuck at the edge of the ring.
“Fell dudez LIT!”
“Oi magenta, dis here’s AMUGOS! Not Fell Dudes!”
W….Oh yeah! The game started didn’t it?
“Sorry Man…duckin’ dry AF!”
He spoke, with the widest grin. He definitely got their lingo right. He practiced long with his good bud Benjamin after all, being his favourite sorta-nephew as a family friend to them.
The boomers doing business with him were such sleepers, but Ben? The dude’s cruisin’ HetTube career at his age! He always watched his streams, and likewise so did he.
That’s how they’re so LIT! Sorry but NOT sorry NOOBS! Only Fags apologise in Amung Os!
…
WAIT-!
“SORRY? Brotha you got LIGMA?”
“NO I’VE-“
“LIGMA BALLZ!”
-YOU ARE A FAGPOSTER-
“DUCKIN SHYT!”
Kicking his footwear out into the sky, as they simply flew and shrunk, turning from office to cheap muddy sneakers. THUNK! Laying messily onto the floor, taking ownership like he owned the place.
Lyin’ down irritatedly, his body took up the entire sofa length as his head plopped on his backpack. Kickin’ back his legs as they rested on the opposite side with inconsiderate defiance.
5ft 11 since forever, bein’ the right height for him, nothin’ too extra. One less thing to complain about unlike THIS OLD GEEZER!
If a crusty guy like him wants to run TWO companies he can just SUCK IT! But dragging his twenty eight year old first-line manager to help out is SUCH A PAIN!
And yeah he’s rude, its THE META!
“Doesn’t he know I give a rats azz bout’ business?”
“You VENTING Bro? Acting real gay!”
“NO IM RAGING YOU NOOBS-!”
The game auto-continued itself once again, gripping his, abet less thick, groin controller both physically and addictively as his mixed/mostly Chinese face filled with reddish frustration.
“SHADDUP FAG! UR SUS”
Greyish Blue is a FAGPOSTER
GET REKT FAG, TRY AGAIN? 6, 9,
‘Call from FAG SIMP’
“WHAT?!”
At this point, the mid twenties Gen Z’er was pissed. 9 inch Pent, yet continually getting rubbed off the wrong way downward to 8. He felt his buttocks cringe at the reminder that this FAG SIMP was his superior.
“…Hey, I’m on my way in a couple of minutes, hope you didn’t wait too long-?”
“You CALLED me cause of THAT?”
He was just one of the DUCKIN’ team leaders, why can’t he bother one of his Brothas?
Didn’t he made it clear he couldn’t care less bout’ work? Socks springing OUT of his feet, those bare size 8s stuck out with public disregard. College backpack filled with his gamer-ware laptop, snacks cause and the latest game consoles cause WHY NOT?
He couldn’t give a RATZ AZZ!
If its some sports maybe, he did play basketball and soccer sometimes, hence why his legs are so kick-ass! Tight strong lean muscle wrapped by your every-boi Jeans. EZ and simple, nothin’ too complex.
What was he? Some FAT-AZZ? He was a BIG PRO, but his snack and soda abdominals said otherwise. Defining a faint, yet prominent outline down from his developing pectorals. A naturally given wide back, and ironically thick arms with sufficient bicep power to compete in those arm wrestling matches with Da BOIZ.
Yeah that bit ain’t online, SO WHAT? WHO CARES-?
“I…I just thought you might care Mr Schangit…”
“You think I give a flying DUCK dude? ONLY FAGS CARE HAHA!”
BEEP!
His voice crunched into his octave, losing all sense of humility as he gave into that oriental Fucc Boi call with absolute immersion.
Especially since he is just an ‘underpaid’ first-line manager. Even though he did get paid quite well but anythin’ lesser than his streamin’ career is GHEEEEEEY! He didn’t really do nothing except play games, eat snacks and watch HetTube at work though.
MIGHT AS WELL BE INTERN HAHA!
For Laughing out loud, vanilla patterns lunged all over his darkened shirt and jacket, forming cool patterns and a suitable style onto his graphic tee. Plastering an iconic sports logo over on his right and lines down his shoulders, front and back, it finally took on his final form as a fitting sports Puffer Jacket for a cool dude like him.
And a COOL DUDE like him has to WIN, STAT!
In order to destress himself, to get the ‘game release’ he so desired, even if meant to stooping down to their…HIS LEVEL!
“ANY AMUGOS IN DA HOUSE BOIZ?”
Hair sizzled at the back and sides, painted jet black as small fringe rested overto the right of his forehead. Round and moderately sized, as he got bathed in his Chinese ethnicity through and through.
No one questionin’ his LIT BIOLOGY! FULL ON CHINESE MUTHAFUCKA!
“AMUGOS!”
“YEEE AMUGOS!”
“AMUGOSSSS!”
Jonax initiated the chorus of aggressive stupidity. Mindless hollering over that idiotic catchphrase like he and all the other zoomers do throughout the day just cause its the newest trendy thing on the webz. Joining with his tribe, whaling on and on.
But SO WHAT?
If anything, he was with DA IN-CROWD. Unlike those Faggy Simps who he CAN’T STOP THINKIN’ ABOUT! Especially looking at Pink’s Peach Cheeks, MAN IF ONLY IT WAS A WOMAN!
HE WOULD CLAP DAT!
But SHYT! It was clear that it was a dude….he didn’t say AMUGOS! Butt CRINGE! Solid upgrade to a narrow ventless fortress where only hot chicks would be allowed in, specially like that Princess chick from that other game.
WTF! PINK’S VENTIN’
He is so HARD! But it DUCKIN’ pisses him off even more that he got OWNED so many times by those FAGPOSTERS…wait wasn’t he-DUCK NO HE WASN’T-!
“OI BROTHAS, PINK’S A FAG!”
“W..What? I’m new.”
Grinning widely, his chin seared off any traces of facial hair, revealing the clear mischievous nastiness of the Pro Gamer, natural behaviour. No effort, MUCH WIN LOL!
“HAHA NEW! FAG!”
“DUCKIN FAG!”
“FAGGGGGGG!”
Two studs pierced the sides of his earlobes, labelling him zoomer sixty and zoomer nine. Inches defining as a prominent average depth 7, MAKING HIM A COMPLETE JERK HAHA!
“Sorry ugh…dude you’re being really ho-”
“SORRY DEEZ NUTS!
Pink was voted
Voted
Voted
…
Pink was a FAGPOSTER
BROTHAMATE VICTORY, LITTTTTTT
Course it was simple, that’s what he always did to win. It was the ducking meta! Yell and the noobs GET REKT. That was why he was a PRO at this game!
He had ALWAYS WON, specially as one of the brothamates, course-why would he be a FAGPOSTER?
Furrowing dark brows, he grinned a cheeky grin as his eyes rested in their narrow-splendor. Straight small pupils built for a hardcore rude gamer that didn’t take or give any shyt but winning, even if those adults called him a total ZOOMER for it.
And just for them, like the clap back remark he yelled earlier-
“GOTTEM!”
With that obnoxious proclamation, Jonah Shang blasted over and over without remorse or care, putting down his phone as he sloppily collected whatever milky testosterone he could with the bottle.
He might have missed a bit during his climax, but who gives a shyt? HE WAS LOADED! In dollars, popularity and in Streamin’ Come. If anything-they should be THANKING him and his Boiz for popularising the game so much, especially with how many desperate simps got converted after the initial release.
Giving a pat to his controller, the freshly sprayed E-Boi gave a thumbs up to the waiter, who quickly picked up his bottle and returned back to kitchen to do whatever with the chefs.
What was he? Gay? It was his Saturday and he truly couldn’t give a shyt bout’ anything aside from gaming, fun and CHILLAXIN’.
“Ahh…So lit…”
Slacking backwards, the hormonal twenty-one year old heaved a satisfied sigh. Proud to be one of the Bois in camp christening, part of his fellowship fam with his rival and younger cousin Ben, or as he calls himself, Bro-Jammin’.
Despite being close as DUCK, the two of them were always in a heated battle in game, trying to OUTFAG one up one another in the various games as competitive rivals with no end.
He could almost just taste his cousin’s salt once Ben finds out he had raked out more wins in Fell Dudes.
“Heh, Madge.”
With more games coming out each day, it meant more scores for BigProJonah to whoop in record time. More 100% completions to complete. Something he always made sure to not let his cousin get the upper edge, considering he had the BOSS rank, and is a leader of the Camp Christening gaming Ciscord group.
It was close though, if he hadn’t played those hundred games in Amung Os just now for the daily bonus points, he could’ve gotten OUTFAGGED by his cousin in the group! and that would be LAME AF!
BOP! BOP!
Though speaking of bosses…
Turning to the left, he spotted his caller looking all frantic and panicky at the counter of the shop, poking his head out as if he couldn’t recognise one of the ‘famous Shang men’ just by presence alone.
Noob.
Taking in a deep breath, hollering at the top of his lungs-
“SUUUUUP! MAN-GAY-GER, WAZZUP!”
Startled, the bespectacled man turned to his direction, pausing momentarily before walking towards him. Squinting his eyes, trying to figure out who was the loudmouthed jerk that called out to him, attempting to rationalise…who he was going to meet up just now.
Puzzling, surely it cannot be this incredibly rude…rudely handsome intern in which he employed many months ago.
Blinking, the older male then blushed, fiddling around the plastic replica ring over on his middle digit, something he got for himself at the recent convention to match his intern’s.
Kinda sus tbh, but as long as he keeps it hidden, it wouldn’t cause one of the twenty-two year old’s infamous mood-swings.
“Its boss…Mr Shang.”
“Yeah yeah whatever, Man-GAY-ger, just sit already.”
The older male ignored that remark…well he tried to, as he struggled to keep his ‘membership’ sandwiched between his legs, putting down his bags on the right side of the couch and-
“Was here first. No cap!”
The E-Boi pointed at the plastic chair in front, forcing the older male to squeeze in the small chair uncomfortably despite being so huge.
Jonah smirked, a hundred times he would’ve preferred a sugar mommah instead of this giant tubby dude…but getting to slack all day at work and still get an A is LIT!
Plus picking on an older fag always gets him thrilled like no other. As long as he does not ask for favours, or he’s gonna yell NO HOMO!
Speaking of which…
“Yo dude, you looking thirsty AF. Get a drink or something.”
His manager blushed further…and all the plus points being said, Jonah still could not stand all the gawking looks from the guy. How the heck can his fellowship stand shyt like this almost every minute?
The cologne may be great and all, but sheesh if only he was allowed to score chicks…instead of D-
“What should I order?”
“Ughhhhh….come on!”
Jonah Shang groaned, slumping back on the couch in rebellious impatience.
No way was he going to bother with this boring internship shyt when he could be at AMUNG OS WITH DA BOIZ! And it won’t be long until his cous’ ‘OUT-WHALES’ him in that new princess game which just came out.
DUCK NO! He ain’t taking the ‘L’ over something stupid like this! Plus at this rate, he might even miss his ‘prayer time’ with that gal he met in-game…and that would be NOT LIT.
Fiddling with his straw, he had to think of something to cut this ‘meeting’ short! But his stupid boss is already asking noob questions like that kind of drink he should have! Doesn’t that dude know that the thirst meta is…
…!
The Chinese Zoomer grinned, hastily sat-up and held his cylindrical glass of raspberry energy-drink soda.
“Just CHILLAX, Noob!”