Hey, me and my bros partied to hard in college, kinda wish we had taken school more seriously now we can't get jobs, and chance you can help?
I’ll never understand people who party in college. You’re going to become an expert in a topic so studying should be your primary pursuit followed by other cerebral endeavors. And yet, so many people fall into the trap of joining a fraternity and wasting their time with drinking and socializing. Based on the picture of you and your roommate, it seems like you haven’t left that fraternity party boy life behind even though you’ve graduated, so it’s no surprise no one will hire you. Luckily, I’ve already set things into motion.
You wake up with a massive hangover, like you normally do. After all, that bottle of very expensive tequila that arrived on your doorstep was too inviting. You wonder if your bro is as hungover as you are. You go to wash your face and your eyes are bloodshot. You pop out your contacts. It’s almost like you’re allergic to them now. You don’t normally wear your glasses but it doesn’t seem like you have much of a choice today. You put on your red button down and button it all the way up to the top. That’s strange; you don’t usually do that but today it looks nice. You head out to the living room and find your roommate. There’s something different about him but you can’t really figure it out. You notice that he’s also buttoned his shirt all the way to the top button. Then it hits you. Your friend–your bro who’s always had that dark beard–has shaved it off.
“Why did you shave?” you ask him.
“Golly,” he says. “I just thought it looked nicer.” You’re inclined to agree and part of you is shocked at just how nice you think he looks now.
The next day you awaken with another pounding hangover. You quickly put on your glasses and your button down but something seems off. Your hair! It’s turned much curlier and is greasily parted. You don’t quite understand it but you like the way it looks. You snort as you laugh it off and put on your suspenders. Wait, you don’t wear suspenders. You rush out to your living room and find your roommate. He’s also got short-cropped hair now and is wearing suspenders. You can’t help yourself! You love how he looks and you go in for a high five but you both stumble and smack each other in the face, breaking the others’ glasses in half. Luckily, your roommate has a roll of tape in his fanny pack. You don’t know how long he’s been wearing a fanny pack but you’re happy as you both squint at each other and repair your glasses with the tape.
The next day and your hangover is even worse. It doesn’t make sense! There was only a tiny bit of tequila left in that bottle. Maybe you can’t hold your liquor anymore. That’s fine. You don’t even really like it these days. You put on your taped up glasses and your suspenders and decide you’d look even nicer with a bow tie and some khaki shorts. You stuff some pens into your pocket and head out to the living room where you find your bro–no that’s not right–your friendarino hunched over a ton of textbooks. He looks so sharp in his suspenders and button down with his tie. You can’t help but sit and join him.
“Golly jee, would you like to go out d-d-d-dancing tonight?” you stutter.
“Goodness gracious no!” your friendarino responds. “Look at all these nifty textbooks I got on computer science. I figured we could spend this Saturday evening studying!”
A grin spreads across your face. That does sound super nifty and fun! So instead of drinking, you spend the night in studying computer science. And the next night, and the next night, and the next. Before you know it, you’ve spent the next six months studying up on computer science and becoming an expert coder. You haven’t gone out to a bar and partied or even tried to pick up a girl. In fact, girls don’t really seem to interest you that much anymore. Now your roommate? You can’t help staring at him in the quiet moments and finding reasons to brush up against him during your marathon studying sessions.
Soon, you both have landed jobs working IT at a local firm. The jobs are super technical which is great since you both love computers. You received a bill a few weeks after studying for the tequila. It says that I’m entitled to 50% of your earnings. That seems harsh but you’re too timid to fight it.
Of course, with that much of your money being sent directly to me, it doesn’t leave much for rent. That’s ok! Your friendarino’s mom lets you both move into her basement which is fine with you. There’s plenty of room for the action figures you can’t stop buying and you like being that close to your friendarino. She doesn’t even charge you rent! She’s just happy that her son has finally found someone nice, even if he is a total dork. Now, if you could both get over how shy and timid you were, maybe you’d realize that you’d make the perfect supernerd couple.
