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I have something wrong with my liver. I can feel it... the doctors are stupid and just wanted to play games i feel LIKE I'M ACTUALLY GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!
I don't feel good at all, whatever this is it's progressing rather quickly. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
How can i convince anybody that it happened when the way i way ****d was literally something you'd see off of south park as a joke or something unnecessary just for comedic views.
Nobody will ever take what i went through seriously. It's been 10 years and even now nobody would every take it seriously because it's not real **** it's not as serious as real **** it's a fucking joke because it's something so profound and ridiculous, people would laugh if i showed up in a court room saying i was assaulted over a useless non-s**ual body part, they'd laugh and tell me it's dumb and i could've just made money off of pics instead... it's a laughing stock, i am a laughing stock. People have gone through so so so much worse and im crying over assualt that happened 10 years ago all because im drunk and its literally arpund that time 10 years ago that it all happened because i loved him and i trusted sleeping in the same bed with him.
I want to kill myself. Nobody will ever get it because the way i was assualted wasn't even over a s***al part, just a limb... its funny hahahah its just something to be laughed at now. The first time i ever felt anything was with one of my limbs not a *** organ just one of my limbs... it's a laughing matter lmfao it probably just isn't even real anymore.
I need to find my razor but my boyfriend is asleep right next to it. I can't take the thoughts, i can't handle what i went through it's not even serious enough to take seriously even if it did happen a couple of times, nobody gets it because everybody went through way worse so my shit isn't even worth the time
Tomorrow's my birthday and i think im gonna be persuaded into eating something with my family. Im very scared tbh, ive done so good these past 4 days, today only being 32 calories.
But i also did fast to prepare for whatever food they have to offer. If its cake im gonna have to have a slice and pray to god i dont binge on it because theres no way i can get away with purging at my moms house, not anymore.
I'm sticking to small portions and if i can add up my intake for the day at night time then I'll count them then so im not anxious the whole day.
Might post here or on Instagram every little thing i eat to stay accountable. If i binge i ruin all of my progress and i wont even be able to weigh myself to see the damage since my scale is no longer with me 🥺
Pretty sure imma have to lie to my boyfriend and tell him i binged at work and kept it down so he doesn't make me eat with him tonight.
I'm gonna eat tomorrow on my birthday i just need to get away with liquid fasting the rest of tonight.
I haven't bped in 4 days now but its only cuz im not eating. I actually feel euphoric tbh.. i don't want to eat and lose this euphoric feeling. I'm at a point where i don't even feel hungry anymore, just restless at night since my routine used to be binging then falling asleep or bping then falling asleep. I'm gonna take a sleep aid as soon as im home so that I'm not up all night, i have work at 11am tomorrow and i need a full nights sleep for once e.e
I'm really afraid of eating tomorrow... im hoping mom doesn't make cake because i haven't really had sugar lately and i feel it will set me off..
Not even checkin my weight anymore i just go by body checks and pictures from the weights i was at during those times.
This will be interesting tbh.. its gonna mind fuck my body dysmorphia probably cuz i know every weight i was from every picture 😅 i can't go by the scale anymore though. Mom had my boyfriend throw it away... just.. i think i cried actually. Yeah.
So there's ThAt hAhAhA
It's so quiet in the house
Even the ghosts don't want to be around me right now
My bulimia might have caused permanent damage to my back and/or organ(s). It's been 8 days and I'm still in too much pain to walk around or even stand, i have to hunch over just to get from the bed to the bathroom or kitchen.
Mom wants me to get better and so does my boyfriend so I'm trying my best to eat "normally" and stop bping. I think it's too late tho.. i think I'm ruined. And being skinny seems to bleak atm, i might never be skinny again because i might be bed ridden for the rest of my life, unable to exercise any of the fat off my body.
It's probably just paranoia but this shit is painful and doctors don't know what's wrong with my lower back and it's been consistent. Being thin seems so far away now.
(Art by me)
Bed ridden going on day 4 -_-
