So my bestest friend ever, my first pet. Bruno. Had to be put down two days ago.
I keep going from "I'm ok, I'm not thinking about it", to being incredibly devastated and just feeling like I'm going to get worse and worse. I feel really shit and I hate myself for not being there, but I literally can't handle my own grief or emotions, let alone going back home to deal with everyone else's emotions because that feels that would push me over the edge. I can only feel comfortable releasing emotions around my boyfriend, but he's like the worst person when it comes to this stuff because of his lack of empathy due to having autism and being emotionally distant. So he would just go "Er..ah well?". It's really hard to imagine that he's not here anymore. That he'll be there when I go to visit and I'll see his spazziness and him being adorable and him mooching food of me. I remember how much of a breakdown and how much my mental state was hit and still is hit by what happened with "friends" that royally fucked me over and used me. And I did my best to keep distant emotionally but I form really deep connections anyway, But this is my Bruno. My bestest and true friend. He helped when I was crying and I just wanted to let out. He didn't judge me or guilt me for feeling like how I felt. He just loved me. He helped me through when I torn up about being abused emotionally and physically and when I was raped. He helped me feel ok, like at least he loves me non-conditionally. He was a special little guy. I wish I said goodbye to him better. Instead of rushing out to London. But at least I have memories and photos. That's ok I guess. R.I.P Bruno. I love you.
