#brusselkraut

[tastytres]

#BURGERSPECIAL#BRUSSELKRAUT#BACONFATHOLLANDAISE#TOPPEDWITHCHIVESANDCRISPYBACONBITS#DOWHATYOULOVETODO😉

[sadtimepizza]

A Pizza That Can Lick You: Leaning Tower in Oakland, CA

You had been checking out this Leaning Tower for some time, trying desperately to make a move, but it never surrendered to your advances. It reminds you of your ex. In the past, you were perhaps too forward, too eager. But when you least expected it, Leaning Tower stood before you and, for the first time, you felt welcome.

You feel a stirring within when you realize that this pizza can lick you. Beef tongue pastrami is the centerpiece of this pie and the “raw brusselkraut” makes it difficult to keep your eyes trained on appropriate places. The tomato sauce, crushed garlic, and onions nearly escape your notice given the other assets on display. Altogether, the package is surprisingly alluring, like a polaroid boudoir photo of pizza you’ve eyed lustily in days gone by.

Of course you draw close, doing your best to still your trembling lips. You reach out and feel a jolt of electricity as you gingerly cradle a slice in your hand and gently fold it. Of course your lips part when you lean in, and of course your eyes close as you anticipate contact... but oh, what’s this scent, this funk, this sour-sweet fetor that you would never expect on a pizza? Is it safe?

Soon enough, it dawns on you that this particular stench is what inspires your ardor. The brusselkraut, whose presence is made known in every bite, scent, and sight, turns a routine carb-heavy mastication session into a story that you never want to end.

It’s strange, at first, with the smell. You wonder: why is this in my mouth? Why am I mashing my face against it? Do I actually enjoy this? What can come of it? What is our future together?

But this uncertainty fades with each bite as you become accustomed to the unique scent, the unusual textures, the alluring — if unconventional — looks. You begin to get an idea of what your life would be like together. You begin to prepare yourself for a second slice. A third. A fourth.

You can’t get enough. You gorge yourself first on its looks, then on its body. You never want it to stop.

You don’t finish, though. You understand the value of self-discipline. You know that you want to invite this one home, to wake up next to it. To do it all again in the morning, in a more intimate setting. The smell is muted when you gaze upon it once more, and the pizza is cold. You warm it up with your body.

Boyfriend Sez

I was drawn to this pizza due to the fact that I had never heard of beef tongue pastrami, nor of tongue on a pizza, nor of brusselkraut. I had grave doubts about how well it would all work together, but my concerns were shattered. This is a unique pizza, but its fundamentals are rock-solid, from the foldable crust, to the light touch with the sauce, to the fact that the cheese remains stuck to the slice with each bite. I’m excited to try one of their more conventional offerings in the future.

4 Slices

Girlfriend Sez

Barnyard stank makes this pizza stand out from the herd. I see a slice, but I taste Saint Patrick’s Day. This pie represents an entire field of microbiological study, for surely the powers of bacterial growth were somehow harnessed in it’s fabrication. Oft-quoted French poet Leon-Paul Fargue’s sentiments about Camembert are apropos: “this cheese that smells of the feet of God.” In “The Science of Cheese,” Michael H. Tunick recounts the scent produced by brevibacterium linens in smear-ripened cheese as “fatty, rancid, sweaty.” In fermented beverages, brettanomyces can produce phenolic tastes such as “horse blanket,” “leather,” or “phone booth.” In traditional sauerkraut, this might be the result of lacto-fermentation, where a our tiny friend(s) lactobacillus are submerged in brine to convert available sugars into lactic acid with their wizard powers. Is that what’s happening with the brusselkraut? I dunno, I don’t know how food works.

3.5 Slices

Sad Time Score

7.5/10