Forever and Always (Bucky x Reader)
A/N: Hello my loves! I finally have a new story for you to read! Another angst imagine, I am afraid, BUT I really do like this one. I hope you do too. :) See you next update!
Italicized words= flashback/letter
Word Count: 2.7k
Warnings: Character death, sad themes all around, etc.
-M <3
===
Darkness was the only thing that Bucky Barnes knew anymore. He truly thought he had known what that was when Thanos snapped his fingers five years ago, but that did not compare to the pain that consumed him only moments after he returned.
Darkness. The absence of light. That was all that he felt when he realized she was not standing amongst the others. It took one tear-filled look from Steve to know that something was terribly wrong in the brief moment of reunion. Bucky’s heart was in disbelief, clinging to hope throughout the entire battle that perhaps she was tucked away somewhere safe. That maybe, just maybe, his phone would ring after everything settled and Y/N would return to him. His light, his everything, would return to him. But that hope was destroyed the moment that Steve sat him down once everything was over and told him she was gone.
Bucky shut his phone off, disappearing entirely from the lives of all those who had survived that fateful day. It hurt too much to be around them, especially Steve. He had heard that the time stones had been returned, and Steve had come back from that trip in one piece.
Part of Bucky believed that Steve should’ve found his happily ever after back in the 40s. As much as it would hurt him more, it was truly what Captain America deserved after all that happened. But as it would turn out, that was not what Steve Rogers chose to do.
For the third day in a row, Bucky found himself sitting alone in a bar not far from his new apartment, his third glass of whisky dangling between his fingers. It was a small establishment, tucked deep in Queens. He planned to move far away once the time was right, but his grief weighed him down. It was hard to abandon a place that had given Bucky a love that he never believed he deserved.
Footsteps approached the bar, but he did not look up, opting to stare at the remainder of his drink numbly as the hours passed by. A familiar voice, however, ripped his attention away from the glass.
“Took me long enough to find you.” Bucky’s head snapped to the left, finding Steve sitting next to him on the barstool beside him. He smiled, but the light never reached his eyes. “After two weeks.”
“Go away, Steve.” Bucky sighed, sipping once more from his glass.
“Do you have any idea how worried we were about you?”
“You mean the U.S. Government? I suppose I do.” He let out a humorless laugh, refusing to meet the eyes of the man he trusted most. “I guess going off the radar for this much time could raise some red flags, considering my history.”
“Us. Your family. Everyone back at home.” Steve’s voice grew angry, but Bucky could not bring himself to feel anything but numbness. “You just left without saying anything. We cannot lose anyone else, Bucky.”
“You lost me for five years, and you were just fine, Steve.” The former Winter Soldier finally fixed his gaze on Steve, anger beginning to bubble at the surface. “I’m sure you could do a lot more than that, now that everyone is here again. It seems that losing people is a familiar thing to you.”
Steve looked like he had been slapped in the face, but Bucky frankly could not care any less. It was the truth, or at the very least, how he saw it. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing could ever matter without her here.
“I-“
“How could you have let this happen, Steve?” Bucky’s jaw clenched, from anger or sadness he could not tell anymore. “How could you let her do this?”
The blond soldier flinched again, but this time at the flood of memories that had happened only weeks ago. Flashes of Y/N’s face, nervous as they approached Vormir in search of the soul stone. Her desperation to save Bucky and the rest of the world, insisting that it was her turn to be the hero, to be someone. As if, she had not already changed not one but two super soldiers for the better. Steve Rogers would carry these memories for the rest of his days.
===
“It has to be me, Steve.” Her voice was weak but the words hit Steve like bullets to the chest as his eyes closed in pain. “There is no other way.”
“No.” He shook his head, opening his eyes as he turned to look at her where she stood near the edge of the cliff. “I will not let you do this.”
“You have to take the stone back to the others.” Y/N’s eyes were rimmed red with tears as she gazed up at the super-soldier. “They need you. You’re Captain Fucking American, after all.“
“Listen here, and you listen well…” Steve took a step closer to her, his voice deadly serious. “I have lived a long life. A good life. I refuse to let you give yours up when you have barely begun to live. You deserve to live a long happy life with Bucky. And getting that stone will make sure that it happens. It has to be me.”
====
Steve felt as if all the words were stolen from him as he was under the furious, yet heartbroken glare of the man he called his best friend. What could he say? What answer would ever be good enough?
There truly would never be one that would be enough. Steve truly believed it should have been that died that day, and he would switch places with her in a heartbeat if he could. But her fate was sealed the moment she fell and hit the ground.
“I tried, Bucky.” The captain’s voice was weak, uncertain of what words to speak next. “She wanted so desperately to save you, to bring you back. It didn’t matter what she had to do.”
“It shouldn’t have taken a sacrifice to get that fucking stone. There must have been something else you could’ve done, something different-“
“Bucky.” Steve interrupted, his tone harder but still broken. His friend's face froze at his bluntness. “There was no other way. “
====
“There is no point in arguing about this.”
“We can agree on that, then.” Steve sighed, his chest tight with pain as he gazed down at the girl who had become one of his most dear friends. “I am not willing to let you do this, Y/N. “
The air fell silent and for a fleeting moment, Steve prayed that she finally had come to her senses and was willing to let him do this. Not only for the universe, not only for the others but for her. If anyone in this world deserved a happy ending, it was Y/N. After all this sadness, despair, and anguish, he could only pray that she found it after this was all over.
Wordlessly, she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in tight for one final embrace. The last goodbye, an end of a friendship that they both hoped would never conclude. Steve finally let his arms loosen, letting out a sigh as he made peace with his fate. It was time.
A harsh shove to his chest caused him to stumble backward several feet, landing him on the ground with a grunt. His eyes widened in surprise, meeting Y/N’s gaze as she neared the edge.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was broken, a steady stream of tears falling down her face as she turned and let herself fall.
Despite his hurried attempts to scramble to the edge, desperate to catch her wrist at the last moment, his hand only grasped air. Forced to watch, as his friend fell to her death and eventually hit the ground with a sickening thud. Steve felt his chest burn, his mouth open in a scream that felt like it would never end. His eyes clouded with tears, devastation settling in with each passing second he saw her broken body on the stone floor.
And then, there was nothing. Nothing but darkness.
The moment he opened his eyes, he found himself sitting in a pool of water, his fist clenched shut. As his grip relaxed, he found an orange stone glowing in his palm. Steve’s chest began to ache with grief, his eyes pooling with more tears as he just sat there, unable to even comprehend that the previous events were even real. He had lost her. His friend, Bucky’s girl, the hero that the world did not know. Gone.
With a sniff, Steve rose from the water with the stone in hand. There was no doubt in his mind now. This had to work. If it didn’t… he would not be able to live with himself.
===
The silence between the two men felt deafening, aside from the general noise in the bar. They were both speechless in their grief, unable to properly say the all words that they were desperately wanting to tell each other. This was too heavy of a loss to even fight about even more. Nothing could be said that would change the fact that Y/N was dead. There wasn’t a single thing that could ever bring her back.
Bucky’s eyes grew weary, slowly beginning to water with tears. He placed his glass down, his hands moving to cover his face, his body beginning to tremble with pain that he had not fully dealt with yet.
Steve’s heart broke at the sight of him, his own tears beginning to emerge. He shook his head gently, unwilling to let them fall. “Bucky, her funeral is tomorrow. I know that you are angry with me, and rightfully so. But you will never forgive yourself if you do not come. I am begging you, for Y/N’s sake and your own, do not miss this. “
Bucky remained silent, but nodded slowly, letting his hands fall from his face. His eyes were red with unshed tears, but he didn’t seem to care. “Where?”
“Out at Tony’s cabin in the woods at noon. There is a small lake out there that she loved to visit. Told us she wanted to bring you to visit when we brought you back.”
Bucky’s heart ached even deeper at his words, but he nodded, confirming that he would come. As angry as he had been with Steve, he knew that he was right. Bucky would not be able to live with himself if he missed this. He had to say goodbye, for one final time.
“I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Bucky nodded slowly, taking out his wallet and placing a twenty on the bar for the bartender. He rose to leave but stopped at the feeling of Steve’s hand on his shoulder.
“We found this in her room.” Bucky turned to find an envelope in his hand, his name written delicately across the front. In her writing. “I just wanted you to have this… even if you don’t come back to us. You deserve at least that much.”
Bucky took the envelope in his hand gently and looked up at Steve with weary eyes. “It’s going to take time, Steve. I just…. I don’t know what to do.”
“I understand.” Steve nodded gently, before placing his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Perhaps tomorrow is the first step in the right direction.”
Bucky smiled brokenly but nodded as he gazed down at the letter. “I suppose it is.”
====
It had been hours since he had gotten home, but hadn’t found the courage to open the letter yet. It wasn’t that he was afraid. Bucky knew that this would be the last thing she would ever say to him, and it felt so bitter to know that she would never come back.
But at last, his hands picked up the envelope and gently opened it, pulling out the delicate piece of paper that was inside it. After unfolding it, he let his eyes begin to read down the paper.
To my sweetest of loves,
If you are reading this, it means that our paths did not meet again in this life. And as hard as it is to fathom that sentence being true, I know that the chances of it being possible are high. All of us are going out to begin searching for the Infinity Stones, in order to reverse the Snap. Although there are so many risks involved to do this, I would gladly take them all on if it meant I got to see you just one more time. There is nothing in this world that I would not do to bring you back to me, Bucky Barnes. These five years have been the hardest of my entire life, and just the possibility of you coming back has brought me more joy than any other moment since you left. Although I had hoped that I would get to hold you at least one more time, it seems that fate has decided otherwise. But fate does not change how much I love you.
Please do not lose hope. Do not draw away from the others, and especially not from Steve. They will give you the love and support that you have always deserved.
I am so thankful to have loved you as long as I have, Bucky. And even if it is in another life, I will continue to do so until I am unable to anymore. I know that you may be angry with me or with others if my actions seem reckless, but I hope that one day you can come to forgive me. I will never regret doing the things that I have done to save you but do hope that you understand.
Please be safe, my love. I’ll see you again, one day.
Forever and Always,
Y/N
Bucky did not realize that he was crying again until a single teardrop fell onto the letter in his hand. His tears turned to sobs, as his hands cradled the delicate paper in his hands. The final words he would ever hear from the love of his life remained in his hands, and they pierced him through his heart with each word he read. Love was what drove her to save his life, to find a way to bring him home. But despite the power that love had, it wasn’t enough to save them both.
===
The area around the lake was quiet when he arrived, with only a few other guests being permitted in attendance. A swarm of familiar faces came to greet him, offering gentle condolences as he nodded silently, unable to speak without tears beginning to fall again. Although it was hard, Y/N had been right. These people would give him the support that he needed, and even though it wasn’t the same as what Y/N had given him, he was grateful for it all.
“I’m glad you came.” Bucky turned to find Steve behind him once the others had left to mingle with other people there. He was dressed in a neat suit with a thin black tie, his hands in his pockets. His eyes were sad but hesitant, unsure of how Bucky would react.
The brunette offered a sad smile and shrugged. “I’m glad I did too. “
It was quiet for a moment, each of them trying to find the right words to say.
“Steve, I’m really sorry.” Bucky swallowed back tears as he continued. “I had no idea what happened in Vormir, and it was wrong of me to be so angry. I know that you did all that you could. “
“I wish I could’ve done more.” Steve sighed, his voice breaking partway through. “I wish she could’ve been here.”
“Steve, there was nothing else you could’ve done.” Bucky shook his head gently, before moving forward, embracing him tightly. “Nothing.”
Steve nodded gently, hugging Bucky back as his eyes watered with tears. “I know.”
“Things won’t be the same.” Bucky pulled away after a few moments, looking at his friend. “But I’m glad that I still have you, punk.”
“Until the end of the line”
“Until the end of the line,” Bucky murmured, his eyes focused on the lake ahead of them.
His heart was broken beyond repair, and it would take many years for it to heal. Of course, there was a chance that it couldn’t be fixed completely. But as long as Bucky had Steve and the others, he knew that life wasn’t over for him yet. And one day, whenever it would be, he would get to see his beloved Y/N again.
