Who: Kait Hummel and Sebastian Smythe
What: A serious discussion
When: Tuesday, March 1st, evening
Where: Kait’s apartment
Notes: Nothing special to note.
Sebastian sat cross-legged on the floor with his hands in his lap, watching Kait as she played her drums in the most entertaining fashion. She was good, and definitely entertaining, but he wasn't really paying attention. There were so many other things that were on his mind, one thing in particular, and he really needed to talk to his girlfriend about it. She'd told him from the beginning to be honest with her, and he needed to do exactly that. The trouble was, bringing something like that up was not easy. Not when you didn't want to lose the person you were saying it to. Working up enough courage to do it had taken all night (he'd been sitting there for hours), but he was finally ready to speak. He thought. "Katydid?" he interrupted, as soon as there was a break in the drumming.
Kait was zoned out, banging on her drums, nodding her head along with the beat. She was zoned out as she concentrated. Drumming helped her relax, as crazy as it sounded. The loud banging was something she loved and drowned out all the worries and doubts. So when Sebastian spoke she didn't hear him at first, but the nickname broke through and she stopped in the middle of bringing her hands down to hit one of the toms. Laying her sticks down she turned to him and looked over his face. "Yeah, 'Bastian? What's up?" She stayed where she was, not wanting to cause him to clam up. She was nervous, she could admit that. She really liked Sebastian and wanted to make sure that everything was okay, but didn't want to push him. She hated being pushed to speak when something was wrong with her so she was trying to return the sentiment. Though, it didn't mean that she wasn't nervous.
Sebastian looked up at Kait as she turned toward him. She was so patient with him and so kind, and she put up with everything that was complicated. She really was perfect. He pressed his lips together, trying to read the kind of thoughts that might be going through her head. Blinking, he looked down to his lap. How could he do this to her? It wasn't fair to her. But it also wasn't fair to him to keep doing what he was doing. He took a deep breath, playing with his own hands. "I have to be honest. You said to be honest. And I don't even know how to say what I need to say, because I don't want you to take it the way that I don't mean it..." He looked up, nervousness apparent on his face.
Kait furrowed her brow in confusion as Sebastian spoke, wondering what he was talking about. Getting up she walked over and knelt in front of him, grabbing his hands and allowing her eyes to search his face. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I'll listen until you are done, I swear." Moving on of her hands she began to slide it through his hair, trying to soothe him and let him know that whatever it was, it was alright. "You're my best friend, and I just want what's best for you." She sat there squeezing his hands and trying to stop her mind from thinking worse case scenario wise."
Sebastian pressed his lips together again, watching Kait come down onto the floor with him. He nodded, exhaling through his nose and squeezing her hands a little. "You're my best friend too. You are really important. I love spending time with you and I'm comfortable with you... but I..." he was choking. Don't choke. Hold it together, Sebastian. "Kait, I miss the way that being with a guy makes me feel. Lately I've been thinking about it a lot. Like, a lot. I don't want to hurt you, and I feel like if you and I stay together like we are, that I'm going to lose myself." He didn't know if he was making sense to her. He was barely able to make sense of himself.
Kait ran her thumb over the back of his hand in comfort, not wanting to rush him and making sure he knew that she was still there. When he started speaking she carefully ran the words through her head to make sure that she understood them. "I think I get what you're saying," she started and moved her fingers from his hand to his cheek, "You want to be with guys because well you're gay. We can just be friends." Swallowing hard, because it did hurt a little, but she wasn't going to show it and she knew she'd be okay. "You're still my best friend, okay? And no matter what, I'll be here for you." She kissed his cheek before moving so she was sitting next to him.
Sebastian thought that maybe time had stopped. It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity, waiting to hear what Kait would say, and see how she'd react. Could he hear actual seconds ticking by? Did Kait even have an analog clock? He blinked as she started to respond. His chest was tight but it was almost a relief to hear the words. That was what he was trying to say. Gay, he was gay. He'd been gay for as long as he could remember, but he thought that maybe now he was experiencing a little of what Parker had experienced a few months before. His eyebrows scrunched together just slightly. "You're not mad?" he asked, cautiously, but making sure that he kept hold of her hand as she moved to sit next to him.
Kait smiled softly and shook her head, "I'm not mad, I promise. You can't change who you are, 'Bastian. And you were honest with me about what was going on. I have no reason to be mad." She squeezed his hand again, making sure he was okay as she laid her head on his shoulder. "You're an amazing person, okay? And whoever you end up with is going to be so incredibly lucky." She then grinned and lifted her head to look at him, "And just because we aren't together doesn't mean you get out of cuddling me." As if to prove her point she moved close to him, snuggling her face into his neck and closing her eyes.
Sebastian let out a breath of air that he didn't know he'd been holding in. She wasn't leaving his side and she wasn't angry with him. The weight that he just now realized he'd been carrying around was suddenly lifted and it was like he had forgotten how to actually breathe until now. "I don't know about all of that, but I appreciate it. I hope you know you're not getting off easily either. You're still not going to be able to get rid of me. I don't plan on ever stopping our cuddling sessions," he said, going quiet for a little while and resting his cheek on her hair. "Thank you, Kait. For being so amazing and so patient and perfect. And everything," he added, sincerely.
Kait smiled when he said that he wasn't going to stop their cuddling sessions, because she had grown so used to them and they were so comfortable. "You're welcome, but just so you know, there's nothing to thank. You're my best friend, and I don't mind being patient with you. And I am nowhere near perfect." As if to prove her point she sat up a bit and stuck her tongue out before poking his side. "Now, do you want to watch a movie or watch me play my drums more and annoy the neighbors?"
Sebastian smiled probably for the first time all night. It was such a relief knowing that he hadn't lost Kait simply because their attempted relationship had failed. Actually, when he thought about it, it really hadn't failed at all. If it hadn't been for what they'd attempted, they'd have never gotten close. "You're my best friend too, I hope you know. And you're at least a little perfect, or I wouldn't talk to you." He twitched a little as she poked him, letting out a little laugh as he stood up and grabbed her sticks. You're going to play till we hear banging on the wall, Katydid," he said. "But you'll have to catch these first." He wiggled the sticks in front of her and stepped backward, ready to do what it was that best friends did.
