#c:win

[justjpxmccoy]

“You wanna say anything about what my father does?” JP asked the other, he had somehow managed to bump into Win, by bumping into it was more like a crashing into the teen. He had no idea why that question had popped in his head instead of just apologizing like a normal person would. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” There was the apology, his mind seemed to run a mile a minute some days and today just happened to be one of those days.

@dackewins​

[xavierpak]

Xavier considered getting drunk on airplane wine, eager to forget his latest fuck-up in the row of many. He considered calling his agency, too telling them he quits before they got the chance to fire him. He even considered texting Gen, asking her - well, he had no idea what he would say or what he would ask, he just wanted to say something. But alas, before the plane even took off, the sleepless nights and stressful days caught up to him, knocking him out for the duration of the flight. When he stood back on New York soil, he was glad he didn't listen to his irrational ideas, as tempting as they were at the time.

The taxi ride home was excruciating. He didn't know if Win knew when he was coming, he didn't know how much Win knew at all - he didn't get any information from Xav, that was for certain. He didn't want to lie to him, least of all keep him out of the loop on what was going on in his life, and yet he couldn't gather the strength to pick up the phone and tell him he screwed up the one good opportunity he had to really get his career on track, especially since it came to a career he wouldn't even have if it wasn't for Win. Even as he reached the apartment, unlocking the door with hesitant moves, gently pushing it shut behind him, he couldn't bring himself to call out, dragging his luggage behind himself in silence. It was late in the afternoon, approaching the evening hours, so Win should've been home by now, he was sure of it. 

A wave of relief washed over him when he saw the kitchen was empty; maybe he could get away with sneaking past his roommates, sheltering himself in his room to - no. He rolled his eyes at himself for even considering it. If there was one thing Win would resent him for, it wouldn't be the fact he lost the YSL contract, but the fact he didn't talk to him about it. So, despite every inch of his body beginning him to turn around and run away, he left his suitcase in the living room, moving over to Win's bedroom door. There was a frown on his face as he knocked lightly before walking in, attempting to smile, "Honey, I'm home."

[jcssemoon]

@dackewins​

“Hi Win, sorry I didn’t recognize you, usually I’m only watching you run away.” Jesse sighed as he walked past the other man, still miffed about what happened earlier that week. “So what’s up with you today? Gonna do some touchdowns or play some sportsball or whatever?”

[xavierpak]

A love song from paris // voicemail @ Win

@win-emm

Hey, uh, It's me. Xav. Got myself a french sim card, got settled in and all. Anyway, just wanted to check in, tell you I made it to Paris safely. I, uh, I've moved in and all, met my flatmates, they're pretty cool. We went out for a couple of drinks, got to know each other, all that jazz. I always forget how much alcohol the French can take. But yeah, I don't know, that's all, just thought I should check in, let you know I'm still alive. I don't know. This is weird, talking to an empty line and all. Give me a call when you wake up? I know you'll probably get up late, so... I'll be waiting. 

I saw your pics from the gala, by the way, you looked - I mean, fuck, babe, I almost had the plane turn around. It's so weird to - fuck, I don't know, to be so far away from you. I hope you had fun. I do, no, I really do, I - I feel bad about how we ended things and I couldn't sleep the whole way here, I keep thinking about - I don't know. I'm sorry. I think everything's starting to get to me, so much shit's changing, I think I'm still not over the Kapu shit, and then seeing my sister at Masters all the time, and all the shit with the rumors and the exposings, I just...  It's not an excuse, but I'm still sorry. I’m sorry. Maybe this - Europe and all - maybe it's good there's some space between us.

I think I just - I don't know, I don't know what to say, babe, I knew what we agreed to and I knew what we had but I still had to - fuck, like, I still fell for you and shit, and I get it now that I'm the one who fucked up, and it's not fair of me to expect you to change your mind just cause I changed mine. That's fucked, I get it, it's not my decision to make, I just - I mean, fuck, Win, you started the whole conversation, you brought it up and then you said you wanted to have a relationship with me, and I thought, if ever, that was the time to tell you how I feel. I just thought - for once, I thought it could be easy, you know? No drama, no bullshit, just us. Fuck, Win, I asked you if you want a relationship with me and you said yes and then you still - we still - we're not - you said it, Win, you did, I'm not crazy, you said you want a relationship with me, and then you still looked at me like I broke your heart when I said I want a relationship with you too.

I don't get it, babe, I don't understand. I don't fucking get it. I didn't think you'd still turn me down after saying you want to be with me, you know? I wouldn't have said anything, I would've kept quiet, I'd let us go on as we were, but then you fucking said you wanted to be with me and I just - fuck. I don't understand. I don't understand, Win, I'm sorry. But I also - you're also my best friend. And I owe so much to you. So much. So fucking much, Win, I was fucking homeless a year ago, and now I'm in fucking Paris on a fucking work trip and that's all because of you. I can't afford to lose you. Not as a friend. Not ever. I don't know what I'd even do without you, to be honest. - No, I do know, I'd be passed out in some college kid's bathroom, too jacked up on shit to realize I'm too old to still be going to college parties. I was in so fucking deep, babe, and you pulled me out, and I don't think I thank you enough. I know I don't. So thank you. And thank you for - I don't know, thank you for putting up with me. And for believing in me. And for supporting me. And for encouraging me to actually go out into the world to do shit. And then for being there when I get back. Just please don't - don't stop doing that. Cause if I don't have you to come back to, I don't know where I have to return to at all. Just - thank you. Thank you for being you, Win. You inspire me so much, and you bring so much good into my life, I really just - I don't want to lose that. So please, forget what I said. The relationship shit and all, I take it all back. Forget it. I really don't want things to be weird between us, I'm sorry. Just forget it.

I mean, I still don't understand why you said you wanted to be with me in the first place, but, whatever. It's fine. - It's whatever. - It's fine. I just want you to be happy and I get that I can't give that to you. It fucking sucks, but it's fine. Just don't - I don't know. Don't tell me that you want me if you don't. Just tell me you don't. I can handle it, I'm good with rejection, I am. Tell me you don't feel that way about me and I'll be fine, I'll personally make sure you get the best dick in New York, I'll be the best fucking wingman you've ever had, and I'll still fuck you at the end of the night. It's fine. Just don't - fuck, Win, don't tell me you want to be with me. Please. Don't tell me you care about me and then still go fuck some other asshole because that's the shit I can't take, that's what I can't fucking handle. I can't - fuck, Win, you can't tell me you want to be with me and then still jump on grindr looking for a dick to suck. I'm either enough for you or I'm not. Tell me I'm not, and everything can go back to how it was. I promise. Just tell me you don't want me.

You're my best friend, babe, I can't lose you over this. I just fucking can't. I won't bring this up again, I'll find somebody else to date, I promise, just tell me you don't want me. Tell me I'm your friend and that's all I'll ever be. Just say it. Please.

I don't know. Maybe this was a mistake. Calling you and all. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for fucking shit up before I left. So yeah, that's all, hope you had fun at the gala, have lots of water when you get up, call me. No rush. Alright, love you - I mean. Fuck. Not like that. I mean, yes like that, but that's not fair of me to say, I'm sorry. Just - no pressure, alright? I'm sorry. Good night, just good night. Call me. Bye.

[xavierpak]

Xav had already downed half a bottle of wine while dancing around the kitchen, taking big sips between dicing vegetables and stirring the sauce, the anxiety of everything that’s gone down throughout the day eating him up from inside out. He’s never been one to talk about his emotions and though he knew that’s exactly where tonight’s dinner was headed, he'd already made up his mind on remaining as distanced from the situation with Genevive as possible, planning to only share the absolutely necessary details. By the time Win’d get invested in the story and started asking questions, he’d simply pour him another glass, distract him with one of his charming smiles and, with little luck, move the conversation to one of their bedrooms. There was still the dress situation to get to as well, though he'd almost forgotten about it altogether, not quite grasping the gravity of his refusal to wear a gown.

The sound of a key turning in the front door interrupted him mid-sip, making him place the glass down and replace it with a bottle instead, moving towards the door, "Hey babe, how was work?" the greeting had become such a habit at this point, the fact the two now shared most workdays barely seemed important, "Thirsty?" he extended his hand, offering a half-empty bottle of wine. 

@win-emm

[xavierpak]

Nearly an hour had passed since Xavier's reckless string of tweets, an hour he spent lying in bed, ignoring Win's calls to unlock the door, alternating between staring at the ceiling and scrolling through pictures of Kapu's old work. Sure, it wasn't art, he was the first to admit that - and yet he couldn't help but feel defensive about the sudden influx of criticism it’s received. Could it be that no one, not one soul, understood what the act was all about? That the paintings themselves were never meant to be Kapu’s art at all, but were rather just a tool to get the real message across?

After an hour of silence, he finally emerged out of his bedroom, his expression as unbothered as ever. "What do you want for dinner?" he asked, heading straight to the cabinets. With a sudden stop to his step and a short pause, he spun around to face the fridge, pulling out a half-finished bottle of gin, "gin?"

@win-emm​

[xavierpak]

@win-emm

Xavier was a nervous mess. The strange thing about it was that the situation leading up to the restlessness and the thousands of fleeting thoughts, as tense and complicated as it was, wasn't what struck him the most, it was the clarity, the soberness he was made to head-dive into, his tightly-packed schedule leaving him with little to no time to party, let alone waste a day curing a hangover, a glass of wine or two the most he was able to get away with. It was for the best, much overdue, even, yet it was also unknown. And scary. Without alcohol, drugs, and the morning-after jitters they brought along, Xavier finally had to face the situation head-on, unveiling the curtain of fog that had made its home over his emotions, soberness threatening to expose it all.

He'd been up since five am. No, he'd been up since 4:50, Win's calls having woken him up minutes before his alarm went off. He just laid there, quiet, his eyes squeezed shut, afraid of the disappointment that rang out loud, afraid of picking up the phone to see a name other than Win's. Afraid of seeing that it was him, calling just to let him down gently. Of course he would do it gently, he's never been anything but, even when Xav deserved it the least. If he'd only spit in his face and tell him he wasn't good enough, maybe that would help Xavier understand. But he wouldn't. Even in heartbreak, Win insisted on threading carefully, and Xav didn't know if he should love him or hate him for it.

A morning workout, rushed breakfast, a fitting for an upcoming fashion show, followed by a casting call that finished just in time for him to run onto the set of a magazine photoshoot with a minute to spare. It was his third working day in Paris and by far the most hectic one yet. Hell, it may have been the most hectic day of his life, period, his work-life experience less than stellar. Fortunately, his next day's schedule started at 10am (who would've thought mr. Xavier Pak would ever consider 10 early) so he figured treating himself to a glass of wine or two wouldn't hurt.

Half a bottle later, he stood in his bathroom, ready to delve into his evening skincare routine, ready to cleanse him of the filth of the day, ready to - well. He wasn't ready for much else, and yet he'd been putting it off for so long, he was nearing the breaking of his promise. With a knot in his throat, he dialed Win's number, put it on speakerphone, and set the phone back down. The beeping was excruciating.

"Hey babe," he jumped to talk as soon as the line picked up, "Is this a bad time? I'm just getting ready to go to sleep, I'll call later, if you can't talk."

[xavierpak]

🍸do u wanna go smash

Yes.