#ca meta

[residentrogers]

i have a lot of Feelings about captain america and 95% of them come from a bad place

like as much as i like to joke about it i do realize that without those movies i probably wouldn’t have been able to cope with these past few years and i probably would’ve tried to kill myself again. 

i’ve felt like a failure for so long about things i could or couldn’t control; i see people that i’ve hurt in the past and i always think “why am i the one to come out of this okay”. i see my family dying around me and i think “why ami still here”. hell, it’s almost been one year since i didn’t graduate from high school. that’s the biggest fuckup of my life, and although i don’t really talk about it i did try to overdose a few times after that. it didn’t work and i was forced to keep going and i just have this insurmountable guilt about everything even though some of it’s not my fault and i know i permanetely fucked my life up and i do have days where i want to die and i want to quit  because goddamnit that should’ve been me. these kids i went to school with are killing themselves and every time one of them does i think that should’ve been me. why is a colossul fuckup who doesn’t know how to communicate with people and has no real value on this earth like myself allowed to live while people who deserve three time what i got die. i don’t know the answer to that and i don’t think i ever will but i almost feel like i have to keep going because of them

and i hate ti try to tie this up in such a goddamn corny way but that’s what i get from cap. he didn’t ask for any of this to happen; there’s so many others he feels like ought to be here in his place, but he’s here instead. and whether he wants to or not, he’s here and he has to go on bc thinking about hte past will kill him (even if he wants it to).

[dragons-are-a-girls-bestfriend]

This just occurred to me...

We see tiny preserum Steve has a nervous habit of smoothing his bangs out across his forehead, and then suddenly, post-serum, that nervous habit is gone. That’s not something the serum would fix, he didn’t spontaneously get confidence, but what if, in preparation for his big tour selling war bonds, Steve had people training him for his image. Maybe some etiquette classes, since he’d be socialising with politicians and wealthy people at times on top of other things. And now I can help but imagining Steve, post-serum and awkward in his new body, walking across a room with books on his head because they’re trying to make him present with confidence, and his teacher swatting at his wrist every time he shyly tries to smooth his bangs out when he’s talking to someone and tutting whenever he tries to hunch. Like we know there’s a difference between Steve Rogers and his Captain America persona, but what if it actually was purposefully crafted right then, in that period after Erskine died but before he started the USO tour.