#can'ttakemuchmore

[tryingtogetthru]

Struggling today

It’s Election Day 2024. About 5 pm Eastern as I write this.

We lost our potential for respite care a couple of weeks ago, so I’m the full time staff again.

Mom’s got Faux News on as much as she can because she has to watch the election (idk why. Literally nothing will change based on her watching or not and all it does is raise the blood pressure or anxiety level of the people in the house - diff depending on who).

Her friend told her she should watch to see how good the actors on SNL were at doing impressions of the key politicians (Biden, the Orange Menace, and Kamala Harris). Friend mentioned that there was a kerfuffle about equal time because a candidate was on & I explained that they’d clocked the less than 2 minute appearance and offered the same into her opponent, but he seemed to be interested only in decrying the inequity (funny he suddenly cares about equity & inclusion).

Friend apparently hadn’t seen the appearance, so I messaged it to her on FB (she’s 80). I got pages of rants about how she grew up in a Democrat household “until she had to deal with unions” (from the management side, presumably she enjoyed their protections when she was labor) and her husband apparently knew all kinds of bad stuff about Joe (so much, but not a word of what it was) and something about mom being a Republican the whole time she’s known her (mom voted the way she thought dad was voting their whole marriage. Never heard a political sentiment from her till dad had gotten trapped in the Limbaugh crap and Tea Party) and that as a nurse she knew there were better options than abortion (as a healthcare provider she should know sometimes it’s the ONLY OPTION and restrictions mean women and girls die).

I can’t even cut her off because she’s literally my only in person support with mom.

[tryingtogetthru]

Accidentally posted to my other blog…

Is it time to look for a home?

I really don't know anymore if I can keep doing this.

Mom's "cognitive decline" is eventually going to be the end of me.

We had a system in place for about 2 years now. Every night I write her a note with the day/date and tell her to take her breakfast and lunch meds & supplements (which I have already put out in little cups which are marked as being the breakfast ones and the lunch ones.

I personally hand her the supper doses and supervise bedtime.

I saw after supper that she had only taken a portion of breakfast and lunch. Some that weren't taken were Rx.

I'm already on alert to dispense her pain management medication every 6 hrs (and due to a snafu yesterday I realized I may have to start waking her at pill time) and so I only get about 4 hrs of sleep. Now I have to interrupt that to give the other pill too.

I just don't know how I can do this.

[tryingtogetthru]

In our family there is a rule: Whoever is doing it, their way is right.

There should really be a giant * on that, because apparently when I’M the one doing it, it’s often wrong.

I’m my mother’s caregiver and I am in charge of her pain management (opioids and muscle relaxers). When family visits, I can give them some of the responsibility to them - I leave a dose of each and a written note saying when they can be taken at the earliest.

One has been here a week and has decided that I should be waking her for doses. Hospital & rehab both waited till she called for them, and even said as long as they dispensed within 2 hours of that call, they were compliant.! But I should wake mom when she has finally gotten to sleep so that her “as needed” OPIOID is always at the same 2 times.

She has DEMENTIA! She will not remember that she can’t get them before 2 or 8. That helps nobody!

I’m here ALONE with her, 24/7. I manage it the best that I can. I follow the rules the doctors give.

[tryingtogetthru]

Literally, the reason I am still on this planet & not in it is because I feel I am required by family.

My sis NEEDED me to 3rd parent so BIL could work with lots of international travel and someone else could be relied on to help with the kids.

Then I realized NEEDED to wait till they were older so I wouldn’t f up their childhood.

Then dad gets a late stage cancer diagnosis and I’m NEEDED in Florida to help with him.

He passes & mom seems reasonably ok, but 102 yr old aunt’s needs are too much for her, even with 24/7 caregivers. I’m NEEDED.

Now mom’s flaky memory is dementia. I’m NEEDED.

When does this 💩storm end?!?

And that’s a literal 💩storm as she’s now seeming to be developing bowel incontinence.

I’ve been living 24/7 with this decline for about 4 yrs. With mom for 7. I’m in the groups and do the research. Sis has apparently read a couple of articles and seen a few TikToks and is an expert.

Can I just abandon everyone and, idk, drive off a bridge or something? Please?

Literally everything I tell her will happen is happening. I get no credit for understanding what’s happening better and preparing for it. Just criticizing my responses. Cool.

I’ve had no access to mental health care for years now. I can’t leave mom alone to go see anyone. Couldn’t afford care or the sitter if I could go. Cut me some freaking slack here. I live on 2 hrs of sleep.

[tryingtogetthru]

I'm not made for this world

I totally forget that I literally always hate holidays until they are here. I spent so many childhood holidays in my dad's childhood bedroom or in my cousins' old "playroom" (an addition that was barely finished, but had homemade couches and a woodburning stove and books). At home, I couldn't get away with "hiding," but when you're technically a guest, they won't bother you if you say you don't feel great and need to go lie down till the meal. Now I'm with mom. Her cognitive decline is pretty evident to anyone spending time with her. We never got along, but apparently I'm the only person on the planet who was ever aware of that fact. Now it's just us, several states from my only actual friend, my sister and her family, my aunt and her family. We're stuck together. I can't stand it. And I can't leave. I'm trapped. And I hate it. I assume, like most women of her generation, she felt pressure to make the holidays perfect (what a ridiculous notion), but I have vivid memories of hating each and every one. I don't know if it was the anticipation let-down or too many people or just over stimulation, but I've always hated it. Now she feels the pressure, but has none of the ability. Should be simple though, I should just do the things for her, but I can't. My back is fucked and I have about 2-3 spoons on a good day and they are required for managing her meds, and getting us fed, and getting bills paid, and taking care (remotely) of dad's 100+ yr old aunt, and basic hygiene and it's ALL JUST TOO MUCH. So no, I won't be hauling the tree from the garage, putting it together, hauling ornaments in and putting them up. Every one of those would kill my back. All of them would put me in traction. (Did I mention no healthcare?)

Send help

[tryingtogetthru]

Can I have a pill?

She gets her pain meds every 6 hours. Sometimes I can fudge it a bit and give it to her at 5 hours, but not often because they don't give me extra pills. All night long, every time she wakes up a voice calls out "can I have a pain pill?" And I alternate my responses - "You just got one 2 hours ago." "Not for another 3 hours" "You're only 1/2 way through this dose." I have to stay up to monitor the pain and dispense the meds, so I end up sleeping by day. That's ok for now since she does pretty well without supervision in the morning. I leave the next pain pill out with a "don't take till at least X:XX" on the bottle. She's supposed to jot down the time she actually takes it because "after 9" could be 9:05 or 12:30 and now I don't know when her next dose is. I've realized the absolute longest I can leave a pill out like that is 90 minutes. She'll take it as soon as she's aware it's there and I'm not. I've put it out and taken a shower only to find she took it while I was occupied... 3 hours early, in spite of the time written. Those days she conveniently neglects to write a time down for me.

[tryingtogetthru]

I just cry all the time now.

Really, it doesn’t take much to set me off.

She can still function on her own in the house without me most of the day, so she seems to think she could still go out into the world to do things on her own that have consequence. But she can’t remember what happened at the beginning of a half hour TV show by the time it’s over, so no she can’t. 

[tryingtogetthru]

There are days I can’t stand her. Like can’t stand the sound of her breathing, let alone listening to her make 💩 up when she talks to folks.

This is one of the days. 🤬

Every stinking word she utters is making me crazy today. It’s a day that I start to understand elder abuse.