#cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach

[redacuarela]

For many of us Yom Kippur is a really difficult holiday for a number of reasons. Here's a reminder that if there is a medical reason why you should not fast, whether it's because fasting is physically damaging to you or if you're pregnant or struggle with an eating disorder, it is a mitzvah NOT to fast. If you are not fasting for Yom Kippur and struggling with feelings of guilt or internal conflict about it, or if it's a difficult holiday for you for any other reason please feel free to hmu <3 .

[redacuarela]

2 really happy recent things: -Since eating as much food as my body wants and needs my hair has about doubled in thickness and gotten really soft. - I'm finally able to be with the superb people in my life and feel like I'm once again genuinely there with them, able to hear and understand what they're saying.

[redacuarela]

Have I ever mentioned that I love Rachel?? Because I really freaking adore Rachel <3. She has given me the gift of a new dear friend to accompany me on my life journeys. Her name is Clover and here she stands triumphant, grazing upon my meadow of a head. I forreal have the best people (and goats) in my life. #cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach #goats #goatpower

[redacuarela]

One of the best things about being in PHP so far has been being able to customize my breakfasts based on taste preferences as opposed to anxiety. This morning I made myself a bowl of Forager cashew yogurt with maple granola, dried fruit, a blood orange, and a sprinkling of matcha and Cocoa powder. It feels so good to be able to enjoy food, feel satisfied, and to have the energy to feel and to really engage in life again. #edrecovery #vegan #cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach #veganrecovery #whatveganseat

[redacuarela]

As of today (6 weeks after arriving here in Reno) I am finally, officially stepping down from Residential treatment to Partial Hospitalization, which honestly feels like a huge achievement because this process has been one of the most difficult, taxing experiences I've undergone. There have been so many days that all I've wanted to do was check myself out, get on a plane, and go back to numbing out and disappearing, but somehow I've managed to make it this far?? For the first time I've taken an active role in pushing back against this debilitating, all-consuming thing that has wasted so much of my time, destroyed my body, and used up so much mental and emotional energy. Instead of treatment being a place inflicted on me to keep me safe from myself it has felt more like a tool I have been utilizing to work towards my goals. I have such massive gratitude towards the highly impressive staff who've worked with, the friends I've made here, and the unbelievable friends and support system back home who I love deeply and who give me all the motivation in the world <3. I can't wait to finally be *with* you again. To the people I love, you make this worthwhile. There is so much going on in the world that breaks my heart and makes it difficult to want to feel anything or be a part of it, but I've been learning how to put my values into action so that I can have the strength to fight back. To my friends who need support or a friend to talk to I love you and I am here for you in solidarity and support. Let's be persistent in establishing a newer, more resilient, more joyful normal. #edrecovery #cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach #treebeardup

[redacuarela]

I somehow got lucky enough to end up with the most incredible friends, willing to ride fake sheep into battle with me in the fight against all sorts of bullshittynonsensestuff. David, you are one of the absolute most spectacular individuals I’ve ever met and most marvelous forces of good in the world to me. It also occurred to me just how Don Quixote/Sancho Panza this photo is.

This weekend with my parents and that weird guy who shows up at my house a lot was one of the best possible motivators and reminders of how worthwhile it is to actively resist and rebel against my restrictive addiction. #cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach #edrecovery

@heyguysiwrotesomething

[redacuarela]

Coping with struggling by being a bat. My goal before breakfast was mindfulness via sonar.

[redacuarela]

I'm really, really homesick and missing friends and freedom immensely. I'm also physically and emotionally exhausted. This is really hard and I want so badly to run away from it all right now (and have honestly wanted to for well over a week), but I know I need to make sure I never need to waste more time being sick and so I need to do things right this time. Discomfort means progress right now. In spite of being immensely uncomfortable I've also been putting in a tremendous amount of effort. I feel more like myself than I have in ages and can finally focus, form complete thoughts, and feel energy and emotions again. There's a whole lot of shame and disgust surrounding my body already and I'm having a horrendously difficult time dealing with the changes it is going through, but I'm also finally able to more and more consistently face my fears on a daily basis and view the weight gain as an act of power and defiance against a fatphobic, oppressive culture as opposed to a sign of weakness and greed. In order to be an effective activist and friend and in order to have any sort of positive impact in the world I need to make myself work through the discomfort and fundamentally alter a lifetime of deeply ingrained, self-destructive perspectives and habits. Real change doesn't come easily on a personal or social level. I feel like absolute shit on a daily basis and I'm honestly happy about it because it means I'm finally getting somewhere. And to my amazing friends who are struggling​, please always feel free to reach out if there's any way I can be of help or support. I have all the love in the world for you and am 100% here for you in solidarity <3 #cantdestroyfascismonanemptystomach #edrecovery