I Would Rather Drown Myself [Mianite Oneshot]
Relationships: Captain Capsize & Rupert the Grey
Characters: Rupert the Grey, Captain Capsize, Skipper Redbeard, Earl Bluebeard
Content Warning: This fic contains a character attempting suicide, having suicidical thoughts, implied/referenced suicide, and implied/reference to the equivalent of involuntary medical holds.
On what should be an ordinary and quiet night, Rupert is dragged in a panic into an unthinkable situation. Never once did he imagine that Capsize – the level-headed and confident captain – would have reached her breaking point. In his attempt to help her, he learns that the troubles she had been subjected to are far worse than mere built-up stress.
AO3 Link
AU Tag
Loop Number Fifty-Seven
It was just past midnight. The soft quiet of the night ought to only be distracted by the wind rattling the structures of buildings, a creaking all on the island were used to enough to sleep through. A peaceful night where not much was happening. However, it was – for Rupert at least – being disturbed by a loud pounding on his door. The undead man was in absolutely no mood for whoever the hell thought it was fine to bother him in the middle of the night rather than waiting until morning.
Shore leave was a blessed rarity where he got to rest through the entire night. It wasn’t that he begrudged the long nights on the ship. He knew himself better suited to them than anyone else amongst the crew. That and no doubt if he didn’t take the longest shifts, Capsize would jump upon the excuse to avoid sleep. He’d happily take less rest that he didn’t truly need to give the captain an opportunity to sleep, even if she rarely took it.
When he was off the ship, though, he had no such reason to stay up late into the night. He had no influence on the captain’s actions while they were home. It was rare he even got to see her with how the priests would drag her to the temple whenever they wanted to hear Lady Ianite’s words, which was at all times. They never seemed to get the idea that it wasn’t something she could just give out on demand.
Despite his issues with how Capsize spent her shore leave, he didn’t have much power to change it. Even if those in the church would listen to him, she had a wish to fight her own battles which, even if he thought he might need some help, he didn’t think was fair to disrespect her. Instead, he focused on resting up properly during these brief periods at home. At least then he could give his full support to her while on voyages.
That was why he was in precisely no mood to deal with whoever had seen fit to slam their fist on his door in the middle of the night. The only desire he held towards them was a murderous one. He ripped open the door with vicious thoughts that leaked out to his outward appearance.
“What in the hells do you--!” He began, only to nearly immediately stop his yell upon seeing who had been trying so hard to get his attention.
Standing there, shaking and shell-shocked, was Redbeard. That shouldn’t have necessarily put a stop to his anger. It wasn’t, after all, uncommon for the lad to drink too much and come stumbling to his home for a great deal of nonsensical reasons. However, seeing the young man was enough to completely soften him as just his appearance told that there was something undeniably wrong.
It wasn’t exactly rare to see Red looking unsure or nervous. Though he’d gotten better at hiding it throughout the years, the general lack of belief shown to him had taken a toll on him. Rupert could always see through the pretending. Currently, though, there was no disguise to see through. It was clear and unhidden fear, the sort that left a man completely drenched with no shelter in sight.
This look Rupert had only seen twice.
The first time had been during the last dregs of Mabel’s illness, when the inevitable had become undeniable. Mabel herself hadn’t held much fear. She knew the life she had led and knew the haven waiting for her in the great beyond. The teenage twins watching the slow decline of the last family member they had left, though? Of course they were scared.
The second had been during Capsize’s similar sickness during her choosing as Lady Ianite’s messenger. Only a few short years after the loss of their aunt, it seemed possible the reaper was returning to claim another member of their tiny family.
It had been a time of great fear for Rupert too. Though the church had been confident from the beginning that what ailed Capsize was a choosing rather than an illness, he didn’t have the strength to make himself sure. He wasn’t able to shake himself of the fear that he would once more be doomed to watch someone he cared for die, this one far, far too young. Even when she had been taken down to the depths of the temple for the final ritual to cement her choosing, Rupert hadn’t known if Capsize was more likely to return as a messenger or a corpse.
All the weeks of the apparent sickness, Red had been drowning in fear, made only worse when the church took her. He had spent all those days with a distant look in his eyes as he awaited the news of if he was alone in the world.
To see that look again, it took all of Rupert’s thoughts and shot them away, leaving in their wake only a horrible knowledge. Something was truly, terribly wrong.
“Capsize—” Was all Redbeard managed to croak out. It was all he needed to say to get the undead man running towards the twin’s home.
Red followed behind, desperately trying to explain the situation. He only managed a few words, none of which made any sense. What noise wasn’t lost to the wind disappeared from the lad’s inability to process what was going on.
Whatever was going on, Rupert was running into it blind. That didn’t matter though. He could get the run of the situation himself, and it’d be faster that way. He just hoped it wouldn’t be as terrible as he was imagining, though it was hard to work up that hope.
The initial sight he was met with upon entering the house certainly didn’t look like any of the catastrophes his mind was running through. It was a slight mess compared to its normal state – a couple of overturned chairs and knocked over bottles – that indicated movement in a hurry, but it didn’t look like something terrible had happened.
However, it wasn’t just the sight he was met with. He was met with a noise that most certainly did shake him.
“Let go of me and leave! That’s a damn order!” Capsize’s voice, desperately trying to maintain authority despite audible cracks, rattled through the air. Her stern tone was struggling despite how practised it was. It kept Rupert moving upstairs, still trying to deny the worst possibilities floating around his thoughts.
“We’re not on the ship right now, Capsize! I am not letting you--!” That was Earl, cut off by a gasp of pain. For some impossible to conceive reason, the two were fighting. That was a jarring enough fact that, had he been any less focused, it might’ve stopped him moving entirely. However, it still in no way prepared him for the sight when he finally reached Capsize’s room.
It was in a state beyond any reasonable mess the woman might allow her space to fall into and even what could have logically been made by the scuffle. Everything not nailed down had been tossed haphazardly to the ground. Papers, clothes, her damn bed had been thrown around with no regard. Bottles had been smashed too. Glass, ink, and grog joining the layer of mess covering the floor. It seemed frankly a miracle that the burning lantern on her desk still stood intact.
In the middle of it all, Capsize and Earl were locked in a determined dance. Earl stood with gritted teeth, his only movement being in response to the thrashing of the woman whose wrists he held in a tight grip. Clearly, he was struggling. Capsize was a formidable opponent, it was a miracle he was holding fast despite her attempts to get him off her. The state of her made the reason for his determination obvious.
Never before had Rupert seen Capsize in such a state of distress. If she could help it, the captain hid all her emotions. Unhealthy as it was, she couldn’t risk anyone seeing anything that could potentially make them doubt her title. He thought he’d be glad to see her break out of that. Yet here she was, face bound with anger and laced with tears, and he was horrified.
Still, he could hardly even focus on her sudden state of distress as his gaze had locked upon one thing that was so unfathomable that he couldn’t drag his eyes away. In Capsize’s hand, locked in a grip so tight that blood was dripping from between her fingers, was a large glass shard.
“Capsize! What in the hell are you doing?!” He found himself questioning in shock as he attempted to grasp onto any possibility where the obvious conclusion wasn’t occurring.
His sudden appearance dragged both of the two from their concentration as they started in surprise. They both stared at him for a moment.
Then Capsize took her chance, shoving Earl away. It became undeniable what she had been trying to do as the glass shard was launched towards her own flesh.
“No!” Was the only noise that escaped him as he joined Earl in rushing to stop her. This couldn’t be reality. Somehow what he was seeing was wrong. Not for a single moment had he ever fathomed a world where Capsize would be attempting to end her own life.
Had he missed the signs? All the pressure she was under was bound to take a toll. He had always worried that she would burn out, but still, she hadn’t given any impression of…
It didn’t matter.
Clearly, he’d missed something, but as long as he stopped her now, he could figure out all he’d missed later. All that mattered now was making sure she didn’t die.
He took a grip on her arm, yanking it and the glass shard away from the rest of her body. He was using too much strength, the unnatural sort that he knew could break bones, but he wasn’t taking any risk of her breaking away from him.
She let out a noise that sounded more like a growl than anything human, guttural and frantic, as Earl took a hold of her other arm. Though she still thrashed, she had no luck in getting free as she had before. Her look now turned entirely towards Rupert.
“Get off and let me do what I have to!” She growled, threatening despite having no real power to. Even if she did, there was no way he was going to listen to her at this point.
“Do you really think we’ll—!”
“You’ll forget once it's done! Everyone but me will forget!” She screamed, making no sense to any of them. A desperation re-emerged into her voice as she became frantic. The tone was alien for her. “Please just let me—”
“Capsize…?” Though the voice was quiet, barely audible with how croaked it was, it quieted the woman immediately.
Finally, Redbeard had managed to force himself up the stairs. He stood in the doorway, once more frozen as the scene before him seemed a nightmare out of his reach to affect. He could only choke out her name, as if it might wake her from whatever madness she was locked within.
He did indeed pull her attention, and, despite all his expectations, she joined him in becoming frozen.
To call Red terrified would be underselling it. It seemed a miracle he was still standing with how much he was shaking. His eyes were locked upon his sister who was begging to be allowed to do the unimaginable. All the fear of once more being alone was welling up within him. He managed the strength to form a few more words. “Please don’t…”
He couldn’t form any arguments. All he could do was plead. All his usual jealousies and frustrations felt so utterly pointless when faced with her looking like this.
All of Capsize’s resolve appeared to leave her at once.
It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. She had just wanted to release her frustrations before restarting. This loop was supposed to last minutes. Except Earl had come up before she had finished and panicked, yelling for Red to get help. Still, she had fought. She hadn’t cared if they saw, they’d forget alongside the rest of the world. She had died in front of them before. It shouldn’t matter if she did again.
So why did it now feel so different?
Their stares bored into her; the horror she had seen flashes of before now lingering and drilling down into her. Having to face their fear and grief for longer than a few seconds set a horrid guilt into her that she couldn’t shake herself from. All the desperation she had been using to fuel her anger broke and she began to sob.
The glass shard was dropped, tumbling to the ground and becoming indistinguishable from the rest of the mess. She lost all strength, all but collapsing. Rupert loosened his grip to take her into a more comfortable hold as Earl fully let go of her. All her fight had evaporated into nothingness as she collapsed into the skeleton, sobbing into his coat. She seemed so small in this moment of weakness that she could be mistaken for a teenager.
Rupert held her, the undead man holding his nerve only because he had to. There was no good explanation for a breakdown like this. Whatever had caused it was a long time coming. He should’ve noticed something was wrong long before it reached this point. All he could hope was, now he did know, that he wasn’t too late to give her the help she needed.
⏳ ⏳ ⏳
It took maybe half an hour for Rupert to find himself sitting across from Capsize in a well-worn armchair.
It was longer than he wished as it had taken quite some effort to persuade Redbeard and Earl to leave. He understood both of their reluctance. It wasn’t as though he actually had any right to force Red from his own home, but it was very clear that currently the man was in no fitter state than his sister. He certainly wasn’t in a fit state to have what was surely going to be a long and hard conversation regarding Capsize’s mental state. Not that any of them were, but, well, Rupert was the oldest. It was only right that he took charge.
He had given his assurances to the younger men that he’d keep a watchful eye on Capsize and update them with anything learnt. Though they had still been weary, they had eventually agreed to leave for Earl’s lodgings. Rupert hoped they’d manage some sleep, though he sincerely doubted their chances. At the very least, he trusted that Earl would keep an eye on Red just as he was watching over Capsize.
Truth be told, Rupert wasn’t exactly sure what he’d be able to tell them tomorrow when they’d surely want answers from him. That would entirely depend on what exactly Capsize was willing to share with him. He couldn’t be sure it was something she’d want the two to know. As much as they were owed answers, it was more important to make sure she was willing to give any answers at all.
The captain looked tiny at this moment. The armchair she sat in seemed to consume her as she sat with her knees pressed into her chest. She hadn’t spoken at all since they’d stopped her, allowing herself to be led downstairs and into a chair without a word. Even as he’d cleaned and dressed the large cuts on her hand, she had just stared numbly into the middle distance.
He couldn’t say the silence was unexpected. It was the least he’d expect after such a night. Still, they couldn’t very well sit in silence until morning.
“Well, lass, just us now,” He started, quite unsure what to really say. He’d never imagined having to have a conversation like this with Capsize. Maybe he should’ve. The pressure she was under had only been growing worse with the silence of Lady Ianite. Though she’d never shown strong self-hatred, it had been increasingly clear that she was holding anger between her teeth. He should’ve… He sighed. “You don’t need to tell me why you tried to end it, but I think you know the only way we could possibly keep this between ourselves is by you speaking now.”
He spoke as clearly as he could, struggling to not waver nor sound overly stern. This was the most careful he’d had to be in years and, of course, it was when his emotions were threatening to get the better of him. He wanted to make sure she knew this was entirely her choice rather than feeling forced into talking.
Still, if Capsize did stay silent, he’d need to tell one of the healers. He probably should have already taken her to one. They were certainly better equipped for this situation than he was. However, the moment someone outside of the four that already knew learnt what Capsize had attempted, the church would be told. That was the last thing Rupert wanted, and he suspected it was the last thing she wanted too. He just hoped she would talk to him.
Capsize wasn’t entirely sure that she had any voice. Her throat felt so raw that it seemed unlikely it could make any noise. She did want to explain, but with how long this had been going on for, what a tangled mess it had become, she wasn’t sure how to articulate any of it. Even if she did manage to properly explain, she didn’t shift from her head the worst possibilities of his reaction.
“You won’t believe me,” She managed to say. Why would anyone believe her? She still remembered the time that she had told, in one of those earlier loops. It hadn’t been Rupert, but still, the consequences of not being believed was completely cemented in her mind. She couldn’t risk it again.
Rupert shifted. Her voice sounded so raw, yet she still sounded so sure of herself. It was so hard for him to keep himself from reacting. What had he missed?
“I’m willing to believe anything you tell me at this point,” He said, trying to sound reassuring though he had no idea how successful he was at that. He just felt so lost. “We don’t need to tell anyone you don’t want to know, just please.”
Capsize took a breath. Every part of her was screaming to hold this secret tight as she had for so long now. However, she tried to remind herself that, no matter how awful things had gotten, Rupert had never betrayed her. He’d listened to her. He’d defended her. If she couldn’t trust him, who could she?
“I’ve been cursed,” She began simply, with the only explanation she had for the hellish situation she found herself in. Typically speaking, she had never gotten confirmation that what she had been experiencing was borne from a curse. She’d attempted to research during a couple of the go-arounds for anything that could cause the hellish existence she’d been experiencing and found nothing. Still, what else could it be?
Rupert stayed silent, having no wish to argue with the explanation she clearly believed. Internally, he did wonder though.
Curses weren’t unheard of. He’d seen quite a few in his time. It certainly wouldn’t be unheard of for a chosen of their goddess to be afflicted by one. Especially with how aggressive the Dianitees were getting lately, it wasn’t out of the question that someone might’ve targeted her to get her out the way.
However, he also knew that Capsize was superstitious. Hardly more so than the majority of sailors, but still, she had her quirks. It wasn’t unbelievable that she might’ve latched onto this explanation to ignore the more obvious and reasonable causes of stress within her life.
Capsize could tell he didn’t quite believe her, not that she blamed him. She’d searched for any explanation that meant the reality she was experiencing was false, until denial had become utterly impossible. However, though she understood the hesitance, it did cause her nervousness. If he was already doubting, how was he going to react to the details?
Unable to face the reaction if he didn’t, she looked down, playing with the fabric of her skirt with her uninjured hand.
“I’m trapped in a loop. I keep reliving the same days over and over. Each loop keeps going until I die then I wake up back on this night,” She, as simply as she could, confessed the secret she had held close to her chest for loop after loop. Even now, admitting it to Rupert welled a fear up inside her. If he even for a moment thought she was lying, he’d tell others of her madness. She’d end up back in that room in the depths of the temple just once more waiting for the end, this time with one less person she could trust.
Rupert had no idea how to respond. What she was saying was completely impossible. He’d certainly never heard of any curse like it. He struggled to fully believe that reality could bend around a single person like that. With how terrified Capsize looked, it was impossible to believe her a liar. But how could this have possibly happened? No one should have the power to create such a curse. Unless of course… Surely their Lady hadn’t…
He forced that thought down. Even if it was true, Capsize had absolutely no way of knowing it. Best focus on just asking the questions she might actually have answers to.
“How long has this been going on for?” It was the only thing he could think to ask at this moment. The easiest question that didn’t sound doubtful. That and frankly it seemed a good question to ask. Capsize looked broken, drained of energy. He didn’t imagine the answer would be easy, but still he needed to hear it.
Capsize closed her eyes, attempting to do the maths in her head. The actual length of time had become a nebulous web. It was far more important to remember the days in the correct order than how many she had lived in total. She had managed to keep track of how many times she’d died, but the number of days before each one had admittedly become a little fuzzy.
“Well, I’ve died fifty-six times and it typically takes between two weeks and three months for me to be killed. So, I’d guess—”
“Years?!” Rupert stood in shock. Even at a generous estimate, she must’ve spent over two years re-experiencing the same days, each sequence ending with her own death. He knew it was far more likely to be more.
He didn’t want to believe it. It was completely impossible to think of her suffering for so long, but given what she had attempted, how could that be in any way denied? Except, by the nature of this suffering, it was one she was forced to bear alone.
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” She said, just about managing a shrug despite how drained the admittance made her. She didn’t have the energy to be shocked anymore. While the first few loops had been maddening, it was just simply the truth of her life.
She still hadn’t brought her head up. Though she knew Rupert wasn’t sitting anymore, she didn’t want to face whatever expression he was wearing. She couldn’t stand the idea of him thinking her mad.
Rupert could hardly get his thoughts working. He understood now that he hadn’t missed anything. Whatever was making her repeat days had forcefully stopped him from being able to see this coming. He was stuck with the aftermath of her suffering through years of horrors alone.
“Oh Capsize…” He murmured. He wished this didn’t feel such a struggle. He should be strong enough to handle this. He’d experienced enough horrors to not flinch at even the worst of them. Yet, seeing someone who had always acted so strong look weaker than she would ever allow herself to, it was breaking.
“Just say it if you don’t believe me,” She muttered, unable to stop herself. She didn’t want this to drag on any longer if it was going to end with her being once more detained for apparent insanity. “Please, it’ll be so much easier if—”
She froze as skeletal arms wrapped around her. Hugs from Rupert were always strange. His touch came without flesh which wasn’t precisely natural. Capsize, though, was used to it. It was a comfort that she hadn’t experienced in such a long time. It was a hold she could collapse into.
He’d always been there for her. Even in all these loops where she’d told him so little, he’d been trying so hard to help her. How had she even doubted him for a moment?
“I’m so sorry, lass,” He said, as he found himself lost for anything else to say. None of it was his fault. He couldn’t have prevented whatever was causing her to keep repeating the next few months. However, he was sure that he could’ve prevented at least some of the deaths she had experienced. He couldn’t forgive himself for even the potential of that.
Those words, as so many things had been tonight, were breaking to Capsize.
She let only a cry, leaning closer to the man she had been desperately wishing to not need to depend on. She clung to his coat, needing this closeness after so long of being committed to doing this alone.
“It’s bad, Rupert. Everything’s so bad,” She sobbed out a great understatement. Everything was well and truly fucked. No matter how she tried to fix things, she failed and the worst happened. No matter what energy she put in, every victory she thought she achieved had led to another loss. “Ianite’s imprisoned. A raid's gonna wipe out the island. Nothing I try to do helps anything.”
She kept sobbing, kept curling ever more into herself and leaning closer to Rupert. All the while, the undead man stared into the middle distance. It all seemed completely impossible. However, he also held not a single doubt about the truth of the story.
They had never been in a graver situation.
“I just want this to end!” Capsize sobbed. She didn’t care if she couldn’t fix anything anymore. She could leave everything to be solved by those who survived her. She just wanted to be allowed to rest. “I thought if I did everything how it had gone the first time, if I died like I was meant to, that it’d finally end, but I’m back here again.”
Her entire form was wracked with cries. She’d never felt so lost as she couldn’t even give up. She was stuck in this hellish existence no matter how she tried to escape it. Her only thought of how to end it had proven to just be another mocking failure leading her back to this same damn night.
Rupert forced himself to steadiness.
He could think of a great deal of enemies that might want Capsize dead. She was formidable and loyal. Her madness and eventual death would greatly benefit a great deal of people. However, this didn’t seem like a curse meant to drive her to madness and death. This seemed like a curse meant to force her to live. There was only one being with the power and motive to create a curse for that reason.
Why, he wondered, did he have to be right in his first thought of the cause? Why must the most terrible truth be the right one? Even without confirmation, he knew his initial awful thought to be right. A curse by a mortal practitioner couldn’t bend reality around a single person. Even if they could, what motive could they have for this?
Rupert, though he tended not to tell the tale these days, had had experience with holding the eye of their goddess. He had known from the moment Capsize was chosen as her messenger that there was the very real possibility of Lady Ianite becoming attached. Despite all the teachings being that gaining such attention was nothing short of an honour, his own experience in an undying existence made him almost dread the inevitable.
Truly, there was no one else he could think to have done this. As much as his loyalties still held true, he very much knew that there was no greater curse than a goddess’ love. Somehow, she had conjured something worse than he could’ve possibly imagined.
Yet still, he couldn’t tell the captain the cause of this. Not when she was already so broken. All he could do was make a vow that he was absolutely determined to keep. She would not wake up on this night again.
“We’ll end this, Capsize. I promise.”