Questioning Learned Hierarchy: Femininity in Undertones
by Caitlyn Gallagher
To what extent have I been taught to compete, to challenge, to control my innate sensibility of behaving naturally decent to another human being been tempted through making myself appear more intelligent, more sophisticated, more idolized?
To grow repulsed at what is different from a singular perspective- in blatant terms, to realize the origin of my problems (and perhaps the general population's) was my lack in empathy towards others and recognizing my narrow perspective, that no one will experience the same understanding of an abstract or concrete idea; no one experiences the same human condition in a measurable way.
These questions are certainly difficult to discern in origin. When we are taught in an unlimitedly biased way throughout our lives, who is to say what is pure and right?
I have learned and once appreciated the comfortability found within gender norms. To have options restricted to my cut-and-dry, obvious sex created easier choices as a child that lead to a specific, engrained way of thinking that created a woman within a culture that celebrated this thought. This thought that no one could have the option to diverge from a confined path that was often manipulated by power historically was, simply, easy. But it had one debilitating weakness: all must adhere to this thought’s cause.
I find femininity as equally comfortable as it is uncomfortable. Growing up, I wanted to dress comfortably, but feminine. I was alarmed that my mother would allow me to wear my brother’s old clothes; the idea was unacceptable in my eyes. But I still did what I was told. I felt uncomfortable when I was wearing a dress that seemed too fancy for school in my primary years- there was a specific fine line that was coded within my brain, and I was certainly a wreck when that line was crossed. Transitioning to middle school, this common clothing issue was a constant (although very mundane and supposedly superficial) theme that I had to interpret consistently; very often we identify ourselves and others through the ways they dress, and I was not identifying with what other people (females) were displaying. Venturing out into a style that was distinctive, and different, felt comfortable for myself. Although this contradicts my former internal struggle to conform to that forsaken line, I grew to love the idea of unconventionality, and through the positive associations people gave to me, I was further obsessed that what I wore dictated my preferred internal consistency. I was eager to continue this way, in cultivating my life that was different, something new, and “certainly not like the other girls.” Ideas of femininity speak to a larger concept of measuring worth within a person, traditionally stating that the ideal woman, and therefore the more worthy woman, is demure, elegant, intelligent, and captivating. How does this translate into the modern society from the perspective of a female who has questioned worth based on individuality and interesting qualities? It leads to erratic behavior, questioning theories, intimidating ideals embodied in a singular body. The uniqueness of this quality pushes the female to be something odd, something strange, something interesting. And for what? To be considered worth something if they can’t attain traditional goals of classic maternal archetypes.
Let’s admit to distortion, and admit that our own ways of behaving are not necessarily right, and strive for a common effort that allows people to liberate from the idea that humans, the idea of woman, do not need worth to further life.
Because I identify with this view and have explained it in a biased way that is appropriated to my experiences, I can only summate the message through this: I am not a good person; I am not a bad person through interpreting these forced nuances in my cultivated life- but that should never be the question. To the extent of what we act on our convictions, to how we interpret our meanings to create universality in equality, is, objectively, an admirable goal. To identify these tones that riddle our lives with cursed minds, and overcome the traditions that have oppression based in a fundamental power hierarchy, and to translate them into the freedom that is equality: I see no goal that constructs gender here. Only humans, and only different interpretations of me.
