Rehab from negativity
Ever since I was little, my imagination was very chaotic. Just as an example: I used to imagine I have to chain myself, because I imagined having a plague which when unleashed would lead me to wipe out planets.
These minor stories I tell myself are what helps me to fall asleep during the night.
But the great thing about them is that they offer a way to analyse what goes in my brain.
In one of them, I reflected on this issue.
We were stranded on a little planet filled with sand, lying on a hammock and thinking loudly how these peaceful surreal imaginations never last long. In the dream, I would have to fight something or struggle against something. But why can't I just enjoy just imagining this?
I tried doing that last night. I tried dreaming having a perfect girl. I drove 8h to her house by train. She wore her hair in a loose bun with a bandana, jeans and white t. I wore the same? Or was I wearing a summer's dress? we walked holding hands and arrived at the beach, placed a picnic blanket and just lay there. We sat on the concrete wall outside of the ice cream shop by the beach, watching the tides as we were eating popsicles. I was at unease. Constantly thinking "why can't it be like this forever", "why can't I ever imagine this?", "Why do I always look for drama?" and "why don't I deserve you?"
She kept trying to cheer me up. Asking why I think I don't deserve her, why can't I just enjoy it. She loves me, the way I am. But I kept thinking that trans girls can't be loved, she loves me for who I don't want to be.
I feared she was attracted to me for my ferocity when I defended us from bullies or argued online for feminism and love. Many people like it in me. I don't like being that person.
"Then don't be that person"
But I don't know how to be anything else.
Maybe I need to read more novels of a simpler life. Maybe.
The closest I can be is when I write Category Theory, funny enough.
I love witchcraft, and I see my math as witchcraft.
You write these arrows and symbols and reach a connection between strange realms. She sees me writing them down and the magic twinkles in her eyes.
She watches me as I lie on her shoulders, close my eyes and try to relax. She laughs and goes down to kiss me, her hair curtains our faces as we escape to our own world.
When I fell in love at 19, I was so obsessed with my own issues, I couldn't actually reach her.
Loving is a tough balance. Love yourself, think about yourself and heal, so you could understand how people think, how she thinks and give her the love she needs.
But, when you are too self-involved, you miss her; you see only your own reflection without understanding her. And that's a quick step to abuse.
Listen to her needs and supply them.
In fact, if you don't listen to her needs, how would you reflect on your own? Her investigation of herself, the words she uses to express what she needs, aspire you to learn yourself.
But if you treat her as a Goddess and not as a human, it becomes an abusive relationship again. Your dependence on her makes her just a tool for your own needs, your love is not genuine, and you can't seem to supply her with what she needs.
Complicated balance. I hope that when I'll reach my dream girl, I won't disappoint her.
These thoughts started when I reflected on my Facebook. It is so political and argumentative. The few blogs I followed here felt surreal and amazing. I’m trying to reduce my presence in Facebook discussions but it’s difficult, I’ve been at it from the age of 13. But this place helps.
