When I was 13, I celebrated my Bat Mitzvah. The Torah portion I read aloud in Hebrew that day was the story of Joseph, and how his 11 brothers were so filled with hate and jealousy of their father Jacob’s favorite son, they sold him into slavery. Later during the ceremony, I gave a speech about the passage I had just read. I don’t remember the speech really, except for one thing: I promised that I would try to live my life free from the hate and jealously that compelled Joseph’s brothers to commit such a horrific act.
I know I've succeed there, but I think it would be unnatural not to feel a little envy every now and then. Who among us hasn’t caught themselves, at one time or another, wanting what someone else has? A nicer house, better clothes, a newer car, those shoes? I know I’ve had those moments!
But the one thing that I truly envy the most, are my friends who have or had amazing relationships with their moms. I didn’t.
My mom was not an inherently good person. It's not easy to write that, but it’s true. She did some good things that I remember: She was very creative, artistic, and a great cook. When she hosted family get togethers, she’d set a magnificent table—something that I still like to do myself when I have time. We moved to France, when I was 11 and my mom, who taught grade school for many years, made the history of the places we visited come alive. She’d read up on whatever region, town, castle or museum we were at and then relay the stories to my younger sister and me. I’m sure my love of history started during that time.
She had some good qualities, my mom, but she was also judgmental, controlling and self-absorbed. I had lousy self-esteem growing up and a steamer trunk full of defense mechanisms. My mom used to tell me I was mean and selfish—and I’m sure I was. (It wasn’t until MUCH later that I realized I had a great role model in that department). Socially, I had a hard time fitting in. Let’s just say I never had to worry about being voted most popular.
I met Laurie in 10th grade. Now, Laurie is one of those people who I would call a friend magnet: Once you’re friends, she will stick with you like a magnet. I’m sure most of us have had great friends through different stages our life—from grade school to high school, college, work, neighbors, etc. It doesn’t always mean forever friends. Except if you’re friends with Laurie. Somehow she manages to keep and nurture friendships from EVERY stage of her life. She’s genuine, kind and deeply caring. She's also got a silly side, a knife-sharp wit and can write a rhyme like nobody's business.
I loved hanging out at Laurie’s house. And I utterly adored her mom. I loved spending the night, especially when her mom would treat us to aebleskivers for breakfast, a Danish puff pancake made in a cast iron pan and served with a heavy dusting of powdered sugar. Even now, I can almost taste them.
Spending Christmas day with Laurie’s family was always one of the highlights of my year. I’d arrive usually around midday, the detritus from every opened gift strewn across the living room floor. The house smelled of evergreen. I spent nearly every Christmas day there for years, long after Laurie and I graduated high school, and then college, until her parents sold the the place and moved to San Marcos, near San Diego.
I always felt love and loved in that house.
When I was pregnant with Sarah, I had a difficult time, but toward the end, the excitement of bringing this child into the world far outweighed the discomfort, exhaustion, and other pregnancy-related problems I experienced. And I was really looking forward to planning the baby shower. I had a good idea of the kind of gathering I wanted—a simple but elegant tea, with a few close friends and immediate family.
I loved planning parties and couldn’t wait to share the idea with my mom and figured we’d have a good time planning it together. But I should have known better. As usual, mom had other ideas.
I shared my disappointment and frustration with Laurie. She was always a good listener, just like her mom. And she had an idea.
My mom, threw her shower—back room of the local deli, with family, a couple of her friends, my grandmother and several of her friends, some of whom I didn’t know, but they had invited my grandmother to their family baby showers, so it was important to reciprocate. It wasn’t the baby shower I dreamed of, but appreciated that everyone there had taken the time to celebrate this happy occasion in my life.
The next week, Laurie hosted another shower, at my house, just for the girlfriends. I remember everything about it, like it was yesterday. She, with help, guidance and recipes, from her beautiful mom, made a simple and elegant tea—exactly what I had envisioned, only better, every detail perfect, every delicious tea sandwich made with the special love that bonds mothers and daughters—even if the “daughter” isn’t biological.
The only thing missing from the day, was Laurie’s mom. She was battling breast cancer and too sick to make the trip up from San Diego.
She passed away a few months later. When Laurie and Lisa were going through their mother’s things, they found the thank note I’d written to her in a basket she kept on her nightstand. They told me it was for her most cherished things.
There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t have occasion to think about my “second mom.” I can never really explain how much she meant to me. She made me feel good about myself during those challenging teenage years and long after. I miss her more than words could ever say, and I’m grateful that Laurie and Lisa don’t mind sharing her with me.
Today’s recipient: National Breast Cancer Foundation
About this blog:
Causes and Effect: My Year of Giving Daily, was started in 2013 by entertainment and culture journalist Melinda Newman, who made daily donations to a wide variety of non-profits and wrote about her experience. USA Today music writer, Brian Mansfield took on this monumental task in 2014. This year, 12 individuals will contribute, each taking over the blog for one month.
About Sheryl Northrop:
Sheryl Northrop is a long time communications and marketing executive. She currently heads the boutique firm, NorthStar, where she develops creative communications and marketing strategies for a select and eclectic clientele. She is passionate about worthy causes and sits on the board of Shred Kids’ Cancer, a non-profit dedicated to raising awareness and funding for pediatric cancer research. When she’s not obsessing about what to write in this blog, she loves a good book, great food and the company of dear friends. She enjoys suburban life with her husband, daughter and two dogs.
