Ceci Rants: A Cruel World
Honestly, these past few days have been terrible and I really need to talk to someone, so here I am on the Internet... I found out yesterday that my fifth grade teacher was killed in a car crash. It has been very slow sinking in, and I honestly just don't even know how to take it. I literally was on that specific intersection four separate times the previous day-- how and why did this happen? I obviously hadn't seen her in a while, but I was telling my sister how much fun she's going to have in that class. Tonight, I was trying to find some sort of news article about it and was unable to. It makes me so sad that the people who died have stories that are lost so quickly. I started googling my long list of family members who had died. I was only able to find 2 out of too many. The first one was my beloved aunt and godmother, who died in a freak accident 8 years ago while she was roping in a competition. Her son (my cousin who is 6 months younger than me) was there when it happened, and as an only child. I have never gotten over the loss of my godmother, and I probably never will. I also found my grandfather's obituary, since he died in July. He was a living saint, and never took credit for it. But aside from the trip down memory lane, I was even more saddened by the people's obituaries I couldn't find. There were my two cousins (one a year older than me and one a year younger) who drowned in a neighbors pool when I was 3. I only remember glimpses of who they were. I couldn't find my dad's mother, who died when he was in college. No one ever talks about her, and u couldn't even tell you how she died other than it was Cancer and my grandfather shut his whole family out after that until he got remarried. I couldn't find my mom's mom, which really broke my heart because I DO remember her. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before I was born, and she died when I was 5 or so. It's just so sad because she KNEW she was going to die, and while she was religious, she didn't want me and my cousin to forget her. So she did her best and saw us whenever she could, even though she lived 8 hours away. I remember the day she died, and how I kept yelling at my dad because the doctors couldn't do anything, they couldn't HELP her. I overheard my mom telling someone that the last time my grandma saw me, she thought I was her lunch. And at my grandfather's funeral last summer, it all came back. Her best friend came up to me and said:" you know, [your grandmother] wasn't afraid of death. She had been there before. But I have never seen someone fight so hard to stay alive as she did. She didn't want you to forget her." I tell you this as I'm crying my eyes out, but we live in a cruel world full of pain. I'm laying here planning my second knee surgery as a 16 year old. I know too many people that have attempted suicide. Life is not fair, and no one said it would be. But I implore you, I beg you, remember those you have lost. My therapist told me that my injury anxiety has probably stemmed from me shoving down my losses that aren't related to my loss of ballet. I am a very religious person, and I hold my head high, but even that doesn't mean that I don't break down. In light of this, I open my ask box to ANYONE WHO HAS LOST SOMEONE OR SOMETHING. I want to know your stories. I don't care if your on anon or not, but everyone needs an outlet to vent, no matter how big or how small the loss. You aren't alone.
