#change is weird

[concretejunglefm]

after being bullied by @deathblacksmoke i'm finally using the app and i don't know how i feel about this 👀

[rebellconquerer]

So... Like... Tumblr updated... And changed? Like what's that about? Ain't we supposed to be on this busted ass website looking like the cutting edge from 1999 forever. What's with this attempt at betterment.

[harinezumiko]

Phone screen updates!!

[likesolastalgia]

juvenile

What is it called again

That liminal space

Snow day

Slow day

Half-hoping it would last forever

Weekend long

Game night

Kind of magic

  Because the thing is

I have had it

With this

Adulthood

Grown up

Squeeze every moment till it

Pops

Kind of awareness

That seems to come with

Being me

[peachbbum]

Hi tumblr world, i was going to give a very detailed snippet of my life right now and what ive been up to, but it really isnt too much and im tired but not comfortable to sleep. Recently ive been seeing medical professionals about my mental state. I didnt know how else to phrase that cause it isnt one person and i dont want to put it lightly like ya u kno ive been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Nah i dont know cause it feels foreign to put it so delicately. So as of the new year i was feeling pretty shitty of youve read my other stuff. My parents dog had to undergo massive surgery to fix his ruptured spleen and all the internal bleeding he suffered when he took a fall off the deck. It was a stressful january. I started to feel the rut of work. Just the stress piling up of working so hard and other ppl slacking and not doing as much to help others. It was getting to me. My monthly depressive episodes of constant crying suddenly became more frequent. Almost weekly i found myself wasting most of my weekend with just sadness and thoughts of worthlessness. I kept comparing myself to ppl i didnt even know, refusing to stop thinking negatively and just overall worrying myself over things that already happened or would happen with the worst case scenario. After a couple times of increased suicidal thoughts, i decided to get help. I had new insurance, the bf was worried and i was scared. I kept telling myself i wouldnt do anything but it felt too overwhelming to trust that. The therapist they assigned me to immediately diagnosed me with a moderate-severe case of generalized anxiety. More on the severe side. She also mentioned i might have ptsd but thats another story. I was told to join an anxiety clinic course at the ward to educate myself on understanding anxiety and ways to deal with it. I was also told to start doing outdoorsy stuff to help with calming myself. It is very weird to talk to ppl abt something i dont really understand inside me and just try to articulate it. Im having the most trouble gaining the courage to step out of being a hermit and doing things. I stopped almost all of my usual hobbies like videogaming and even listening to music cause i wouldnt find them interesting enough or even want to do anything other than laying in bed. Change is too weird. Its hard to even think abt going outside on my days off but so far i did one hike. It was a good hike i think. Good for a starter hike. Ive been feeling ok i think. Most of the time im pretty blank in emotion. Not sad but not happy either. The days are passing by and i feel like theyve been blazing past me. Maybe its a dissociative feeling but it feels very different. Anyway this is my update on my life. Ended up being longer than i thought. Hope it keeps going up from here.

[damagesuppressor]

having a dissociative disorder is being shocked that time continues to move even when im not

[swag-dawg]

I leave for college soon, the view outside of my bedroom window changed. It did so a couple days ago but I didn't really notice. The playset that came with the house finally got teared down. I had the same view almost my entire life, only ever changing with the seasons. Now its gone, soon i will be too. My bedroom will soon stop being "my bedroom" rather better labled my childhood bed room. My new home will be in a dorm room alongside a person who I don't know all too well. I wonder if this is how i felt first moving into this house. If i understood the change that was happening around me. That the trailer i was living in would stop being what came to mind with the word home. That I would forget how the neighborhood looked or where my neighbors lived. All thoses names and faces fading only to be remembered and recalled through my parents and oddly enough the smell of cigarettes. Only fragments of memories remaining. I've never been too good at remembering. I don't know how to feel about this change, i don't think i did then either.