Chapter 50: Te puedo escuchar
AUTHOR NOTE: This chapter was based on the song by Anahi called "The puedo escuchar” that means “I can hear you”.
This chapter might also contain some subjects that might be a trigger for some.
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To say that Carol's humour was getting better and better by each passing day was the understatement of the year. As the second trimester was looming just a few days away, Harry was getting his girlfriend back.
And actually enjoying her pregnancy.
The love they felt for their unborn child was the strongest experience both had felt in their lives and they knew that they were a team from now on and compromised to be the best possible parents they could be.
They were conversing a lot about their dreams for their child. Harry wanted a girl desperately and Carol felt it was a boy... and they decided to find out when the baby was born.
They were talking about names and Carol was set to name him Henry (should it be a boy) and Harry wanted to name her Carolina (should it be a girl). Carol had gone shopping for maternity clothing as her bump was now impeding all her trousers to close and her breasts were getting bigger. She thought about buying some baby clothing as well, but she had promised Harry that they'd do the first shopping together (at least for the first items and the most important things).
As marriage wasn't on their foreseeable future, this baby wouldn't have a place in the line of succession.
And after many conversations, they decided it'd be better to keep it this way. Of course, they knew that most ghastly people would call their child a bastard but if it meant that no strings would be attached to this kid's future, they'd be game. Even if (and that's a big if) they decided to get married before the birth, the child wouldn't have any royal titles.
Harry had already asked his Grandmother for a private appointment in two weeks and decided to go by himself. The plan was: tell the Queen privately, then his father and then his brother. He knew that afterwards the Queen would request a private meeting with Carol before she let the courtiers know.
They had their speech known by heart and decided what was non-negotiable for them and what they'd be willing to accept should The Crown request. And Harry was counting on his grandmother managing skills to be sensible and understanding and not imposing things that'd make their lives really complicated. They'd show up as a united front and both against the protocols and rules of Harry's family.
Harry was asking Carol to take it slow at work... she was still practically living at the office – as always - and he understood why but now she had a whole team to manage, whose job was to back her up so she needn't to stay there more than eight hours a day.
She didn't really pay attention to his pleas... thinking that he wasn't used to working mums... lots of women did it every day and she wasn't really doing things that'd put their baby at risk. In order to avoid a fight, she'd always give evasive responses to him.
Except today she wasn't feeling well ever since she woke up at Kensington Palace where she had spent the night before. They had gone out to have dinner – thankfully still not spotted – and had amazing sex afterwards. She woke up feeling extremely tired and with a terrible headache. Dismissing it as some of the not-so-nice symptoms, she got ready for the day and left before Harry woke up, Bill driving her to work.
She texted Agnes asking what she could take for the headache and got a quick response of:
A: Headache again? That's the third time this week. I am changing your appointment to tomorrow morning just in case.
Not wanting Harry to get worried, she just texted him the new date and time for next appointment without giving him many details as to why they were anticipating it. She took lots of water and worked at a dimmed office until noon. She tried to remember how she had spent the week before and couldn't remember a day where she didn't feel like she had been run over by a truck or in ache.
She finally saw Harry's point as to why she should start working regular hours instead of the 14-16 she was usually working. Giving up on working at the office and taking into consideration it was Friday, she just let her boss and team know she would be working from home and would be back next Monday.
She took a cab not wanting to bother Bill to come and get her and let Harry know that she was going home and that he should stop by in the evening so they could be together. He was at an engagement and took a while to reply and when he did, was something like: "Will be there. x"
She arrived at home just past 1:00 pm and took another long shower. She applied lotion on her body and took a picture to register how her bump was showing today. She picked her favourite pyjamas of white shirt and shorts from the dryer and got dressed. Quickly fixing something to eat afterwards.
After she ate, she went to her bedroom and sat half leaning on bed board with her laptop on searching for a last-minute flight ticket to Brazil that wouldn't cost her a fortune. She couldn't tell her mother she was pregnant by the phone or video call. Although she knew Maria would be disappointed, she wanted to look into her mother's eyes and say it.
Perhaps, after the initial shock diminished, she'd be able to ask her mom for advice and they'd book Maria's tickets to come and stay with Carol (wherever she'd be living at the time) at the end of pregnancy and first weeks with the baby. She couldn't do it without her mother and she wouldn't.
Caressing her bump, while waiting for emails to come in so she could finalise a few reports and reschedule meetings, she was also reading pregnancy forums about when she could expect to feel the baby move for the first time. She was 11 weeks and 6 days today and was wondering how long it'd take until she could feel the first movements.
She didn't know when and how she fell asleep, she only slightly remembered that her migraine had gotten the best of her. She half woke up with Harry's voice calling her and the noise of his keys locking the door.
She tried to get up and greet him, but she couldn't. She tried to move and her brain only registered pain and still, she didn't have the strength to call for him or wonder why she was feeling this way. It was like her consciousness was coming and going all the time and she couldn't quite grasp the sense of fear. She only wanted to close her eyes and sleep some more.
"Darling?" he called cheerily and she was so very sleepy still that she didn't respond. She had this uneasy feeling on her bump and her eyelids were too heavy to keep open.
She heard when he entered her bedroom and felt his perfume. She smiled at the sound of his teasing.
"Now that's a good life... napping since mid-afternoon." he said, supporting his fists on either side of her body and kissing her temple. "Are you hungry?"
"A little..." she mumbled, her voice weak. Harry took off his jacket and tie and started telling her how the engagements of the day had gone and noticed that she was extremely quiet and sort of unresponsive.
"Carol?" he called for her, sitting by her side on the bed. She didn't reply.
Thinking it was odd, he called her again with no response. He almost left the room assuming she was just tired and needed to sleep a few more hours and determined to get their dinner ordered, he got up and he was taken by a feeling of warning and stopped in the middle of the room.
TRIGGER WARNING:
Dreading it, he turned on the light and the scene before his eyes hurt more than a punch in the gut. He felt all air vanishing from his lungs, the walls closing in, his heart breaking into a million pieces and for a few seconds, he didn't know what to do. He just couldn't afford to not do anything.
He realised Carol wasn't sleeping, she had probably passed out.
Her laptop was still on the bed and she was laying on a fetal position. He approached her, checking her pulse. Her blood pressure was obviously low as she was pale and unresponsive, but what had Harry scared for life was the giant vivid red spot on her white shorts and on the duvet. She had some dried stains on her legs as well.
"No, no, no, no..." he was on the brink of losing it but he had to something. "Carol, wake up. Please, Carol. Wake up." He was gently shaking her and caressing her face.
A little blood is normal, isn't it?
That's not a little, his mind replied.
"Carol... Carol... CAROL!" he yelled, his eyes burning with unshed tears. "Wake up, Carolina!"
He got his phone calling Agnes right away, not knowing what to do.
"Hello, Harry..." Agnes said, immediately thinking he was calling to ask why she had scheduled an appointment on a Saturday.
"Agnes, Carol's bleeding. Like... a lot." he said, making sure her body was turned on her left side, should she puke. "I just got here, Agnes and I don't know what to do. I think she fainted and she's not waking up."
"Get her to St Mary's. NOW!" Agnes said. She was about to leave for the day and went back into her office and changed clothes, already shouting orders and forming a team of nurses to prepare secured a room as an emergency was coming in. She promptly got Carol's file and read it all again, everything was as normal as it should be, except for the excessive tiredness and the headaches.
Without needing to be told twice, Harry got Carol's wallet and checked for her ID and health insurance details. He got her phone and grabbed a coat for her to use later. He was trying to convince himself that this was just a scare and that they'd be back home later.
He called for Bill who was waiting for him outside the flat and as carefully as he could he lifted her from the bed, getting himself stained as well, but he didn't care. He needed to save his girl and their child. Running with her through the steps as it'd be faster than the lift, Bill widened his eyes when he saw Harry leaving the building with Carol.
"St Mary's!" Harry yelled placing Carol on the back seat and jumping on the front seat. Bill had the car in motion before Harry even closed the door. Now worried as to why Carol was bleeding, but knowing this was not the right time to ask anything.
Normally it'd take 11 minutes from Carol's to St. Mary's, which Bill drove in almost 5, breaking an endless number of traffic laws. He parked at the back entrance and Harry was out in a flash, scooping Carol on his arms and trying to wake her up again whilst climbing the stairs of the Maternity wing.
He heard Agnes before he saw her, she was pacing the reception and she pointed to a room closing the door behind them. Harry put Carol on the bed and was out of the way when Agnes started to carefully and quickly examine Carol's condition.
There were three nurses in the room that were doing things at full speed by Agnes' orders. He saw how quickly they'd had hooked an IV of fluids on her hand and meanwhile the other was preparing the meds.
Harry was half relieved that she hadn't asked him to get out – everyone knew he'd be spotted and they shouldn't have added stress on this situation. At the same time, he felt so powerless watching other people taking care of the woman he loved without him being able to do anything else but stay away and let them work. He stayed on the corner of the room, and let them know many times that if they needed help, he was there to see to it.
Agnes then started the ultrasound machine, cleaning as best as she could all the blood to see the baby. She positioned Carol's legs and got the trans-vaginal stick and the now-familiar for him black screen appeared over her head. Harry was watching closely, hoping and praying for the best. He knew that the circumstances weren't favourable, but they were strong. They'd get past this and this would be just a scare.
He was looking at the screen with everything in him asking for his baby to be OK. There was the embryo and he saw Agnes pressing lots of buttons and her face getting more and more concerned by the minute. She re-positioned the stick and tried again, asking something from one of the nurses.
"Is everything alright?" Harry asked. "I can see the embryo. Is it alright?" he had hope in his eyes, he knew it was going to be ok.
"I'm sorry, Harry." Agnes said. "There's no longer a heartbeat."
"You left without notice / I looked for you and you weren't there anymore"
The room went silent for a minute that felt like an eternity.
"Are you sure?" Harry said looking from Carol to Agnes and the screen. "Have you looked closely? You always say sometimes it's difficult to catch a heartbeat."
"Fate wanted it that way / But your soul won't leave"
"At the beginning, yes. But she was almost on her twelfth week. This should be easy to catch."
"It can't be, Agnes. We had an appointment tomorrow. You said everything was fine. Why isn't she waking up?" Harry was clearly nervous and had a million thoughts crossing his mind.
Agnes powered off the ultrasound, scribbled something on a paper and asked the nurses to do something and went to Harry.
"I was seeing the embryo... How come?" Harry asked.
"Unfortunately that is not the embryo. That's some residual tissue of the pregnancy." Agnes took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Harry. But Carol has miscarried the baby."
"You were my accomplice in dreams / We knew that one day / United we would fly"
Harry's world went completely still. This couldn't be happening right now.
The tears started to fall before he could hold them in. He looked at Carol, still pale, hooked to IV and with nurses around her and that unmistakable stain on his shirt, arms, trousers told him that this was really happening.
He couldn't keep his family safe.
He had failed them and this pain was shattering his whole being. He had just lost his child and he didn't know what to do about it. He never properly learned how to mourn and grieve.
Losing his mum and grandpa had been fucking hard and horrible but nothing would ever be compared to the searing pain of losing a child.
"I know your wings will stay with me / That from Heaven your hug is my shelter / divine angel take care of me from evil"
His child, his baby.
The one he had made plans for. The one he wanted to hold on his arms and teach things.
The one that had turned his world upside down.
Gone.
He no longer would be a father.
"I know I walk with your company / With your voice my days are brightened / Although your door today is beyond / I can hear you"
The sound of his sob took over the room and Agnes hugged him. He cried and sobbed not caring for a single moment of who was there. Not caring that he was a prince and member of the Royal Family. Not caring he had been taught to always hide his feeling. At that moment he was just a father who had lost his child.
"I'm sorry, Harry." Agnes said, trying her best to support him as she knew that not many people were aware of the pregnancy and that they probably wouldn't have a shoulder to cry on.
"Why?"
"I can't answer that now, but I will ask for some exams to be made and try to correlate with the symptoms she was complaining about, but you should know that this is more common than you think. Most of the time we don't have any factor showing us as to why. Sometimes its just nature taking its course."
He was out of the embrace and thanked Agnes, without really knowing what or why he was thanking her for.
"I will have to intervene with medication so we can finish this process as quickly and respectfully as we can. Also so we can guarantee that we won't have any damage to her uterus and that pain will be minimal."
"Why hasn't she woken up?" he asked, voice filled with sadness.
"I remember you very close to me / Sharing your peace / So much joy it was to see you / I won't forget to love you / I still have tears"
"She probably had a case of irregular blood pressure variation during the day. Apparently it went too high and too low in a matter of hours – so her body, to try and estabilize it, kind of shut down. Now I've just given her something to keep her asleep, so we can finish the process."
Agnes gave a gentle squeeze on Harry's hand and apologising went back to work.
He sat on a chair and watched, letting the numbness of the pain take over him. Tears were flowing freely and he didn't want to leave her side for a second. If Carol would have to endure all of this, he might as well be by her side and watch. He didn't care about the fact that he was torturing himself to sit back and watch the woman he loved in that situation. But he didn't want her to wake up alone at a hospital without knowing their child had died.
"Your name is written in every book / In each verse I feel you sing / Your hand takes me directly to your shadow / And I know that one night I will find you"
(...)
"Harry?" Carol's voice was hoarse and weak.
He jumped out of the sofa he was laying on her private suite and went to her side. He held her hands.
"I'm here, my love." he said, kissing her temple and breathing relieved for the first time after they had been admitted to the hospital.
"Where am I?" she asked looking around and focusing on his eyes. She saw nothing but pain and fear there and those feelings took over.
"We're in the hospital, darling." He replied, sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Hospital, why?" she asked. "What's going on, Harry?"
"What do you remember?"
"I was home working and with a migraine and then everything went black. I remember some flashes of pain and your voice..." Carol looked at him. "Harry, please, tell me what's wrong. Is our baby ok?"
He took a deep breath and couldn't find the words in him to answer that question. From now on he'd need to be her rock and her safe place and he knew it, but his heart was broken and he was about to break hers. New tears formed on his eyes and he shook his head.
"NO, NO, NO, NO...." she was scared and shocked. "WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR BABY. PLEASE THIS ISN'T FUNNY."
"Darling..." Harry hugged her. "I'm sorry, my love."
"Sorry about what, Henry?" she untangled herself from his embrace. "What happened with our baby? Why are you making this up?"
"Carol..." Harry said crying. "Our baby passed away this evening. We had a miscarriage."
"Nooooooooooooooooo" Carol's cries and shriek brought a cold feeling to Harry's gut. "YOU'RE LYING. IT. CAN'T. BE."
She put her hand on her belly, feeling it way different than this morning, looking the to the IV hooked on her hand, her hospital gown.
"Maybe they're wrong. I am still pregnant. I know it, Harry. Stop making this prank... it's not fun." Carol said and Harry shook his head again, showing her that this wasn't a nightmare. This was the cruel reality and he wouldn't dare to joke on something like this.
"Why?" she was full-on sobbing whilst the truth and the weight of his words were slowly cutting through her heart and mind and body. She was sore, the damn headache still in place. Her stomach had somewhat deflated and she was determined to not believe in his words.
"We don't know for sure, but it happened. I arrived at your place and you were passed out." Harry said, trying to touch her hand.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed and her sobs now louder and she was trashing on the bed to get as far from his as possible. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, HARRY. HOW DARE YOU TO TELL ME MY BABY HAS DIED!!"
Agnes entered the room at that moment, having heard Carol's voice three corridors down and knowing this wouldn't be easy.
"Carol, please try to calm down. You're still weak and need your rest."
The doctor checked her signals on the machine nearby and approached the bed, caressing Carol's head and kissing the top of it.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. But we did everything in our power to save your baby, but we couldn't. If Harry hadn't brought you here as soon as he did, you'd have left us as well."
"You're both lying... my baby is fine and healthy."
Carol said trying desperately to hold on on that thread of hope. She couldn't have her biggest dream and world come tumbling down like this. They must be lying about it, making this sick prank about her.
"Darling, I'm really sorry...." Harry tried to hold her hand, but she didn't let him, which saddened him even more. "Our baby is now our guardian angel."
She started trembling, lips quivering and looking at both of them and their tired faces. She looked up to see a clock on the wall and registered the time of when the worst news to any parents had been delivered to her.
Her dream baby had slipped through her fingers, she no longer was a mother and she clearly shouldn't keep her hopes up about trying again because she knew she'd fail. Her body clearly wasn't up for the challenge of growing a human from scratch and she had crushed Harry's dream and Harry's life. Her heart knew that something was wrong but she dismissed it for the past days. It was her fault that she had lost that baby and she'd never forgive herself for it.
"Leave me alone." she said, between sobs.
Harry and Agnes shared a confused look and didn't move.
"LEAVE ME ALONE." she screamed, throwing one of the pillows at them and kept screaming after that.
Carol was heartbroken and clearly grieving, shocked, guilty and confused. Lot's of pieces haven't made it to its place in the puzzle and she was clearly shutting down and wanting to be alone.
And at that moment, Carol was everything Harry wanted and needed, but to respect her wishes and lest Agnes needed to give her some sedatives, he simply nodded and left the room.
"I will be back in the morning." Harry said crying and holding the door. "We will get through this Carol. Please don't shut me out cause I won't survive this pain if you do. Neither will you."
Carol looked at him while angry tears rolled down her cheeks and wet her hospital gown.
"GET OUT!"
"I love you." Harry said, leaving the room and closing the door.
End of Part I
Author Note:
Please, don't kill me because of this chapter. This and the next ones were the hardest I've ever wrote. I cried my eyes out doing that, but it was... necessary.
To my dear and beloved readers my warmest thank you for sticking with me, for liking my babies as much as I do. Thank you for reading, commenting, voting and for all the suggestions that are always welcomed.
My biggest concern on this story is, even though I sometimes use a poetic license, bring as many real places, people, assets and elements. I want this to be a story you, the reader, can identify yourself with and recognise the royal family's modus operandi.
I want this to be a relatable story, one that you read and say: mmm... this could've happened and not one of 100% make-believe stories that although entertaining, don't make you relate to that.
That's why I take too long to write and why I sometimes have serious cases of writer's block. I do my research, I watch tons of videos and documentaries, I see lots of photos (and even blueprints of the palaces sometimes!). When I went to London last year I visited many of the places that I write about here.
The work is though, but the reward is great.
This story will be split into three parts (I might change this in the future, and if so I'll let you know."
Part I tells us how they met, became friends, how the spark appeared and how they started dating.
Parti II will be posted continually after this chapter (I'll probably do an intro and then skip to chapter I). We'll see all the mourning process, self awareness, priorities and overcome. They are pretty strong, but will they be able to survive this pain?
Only time will tell...
