I didn't want the update post to turn out super long by adding this to it but I feel like this is also important for me to mention as well. I had a recent emotional...moment that helped clarify things for me. I’m typing this out mostly for myself, so this is going to be very long. Please don’t feel obligated to read it.
This whole year has been extremely taxing on me. I constantly felt like something heavy was sitting on my chest, that I was constantly on edge with anxiousness and that I had no way to let this horrible feeling out.
Day in and day out I was stressed trying to prep for cons. Trying to make new merch, trying to restock my old stuff, feeling inadequate in comparison to my peers wrt the variety of items I’d offer both in terms of the series and the merchandise itself.
I felt like I was sabotaging myself with (as I perceive(d) it)how little I had to offer thereby limiting the possibility of having as many sales as possible. As I briefly alluded to in the previous post, selling in the artist alley at cons is my only source of income as of right now. I’m hyper aware of how much money is in my bank account and I freak out every time I have to spend money. I hate spending it for any reason and I dread every moment that I realize I need to ask my parents for more.
My parents are nothing but extremely supportive of every single thing I do. Time and time again they’ve assured me that “money is no concern of [mine]” saying that if I need something they’ll help me get it. And yet I cannot free myself from the crushing guilt I feel any time they offer, or when the idea briefly crosses my mind.
This isn’t to say I haven’t tried looking for a job. I have tried for the past year and some odd months, applying for jobs, getting interviews only to be denied, or in the most recent case, interning with the people for nearly 2 months only for them to tell me “we can’t afford you”, turning me away after all the time I spend with them.
I will admit the way I’d been trying for jobs wasn’t enough. I talked with my mom toward the end of last year about how I should really be searching and have yet to get an opportunity to put our new strategy to work. Mostly because I’ve set up this year for con tabling which takes up pretty much all of my time nowadays.
So to summarize it thus far, I’ve had con prep, selling at cons, job hunting, lack of consistent income, and the overwhelming feeling of “I have no time whatsoever to get anything done” weighing in on me for this last year.
That’s a hefty chunk of stress that I’ve not fully addressed, but held onto these past 8 months. However that’s only one part of it (I told you this would be very long)
I’ve gained weight. A lot of weight. On average, I used to be around 120 pounds or so. But somehow this year the last time I weighed myself, I was around 179 pounds. Somehow I gained nearly 60 pounds, I don’t know why, and it’s destroying my self esteem.
I’ve been eating the same amount and about the same types of food I used to, I was even exercising regularly at one point when I noticed the weight gain happening. And yet it’s still climbing!! I’m so frustrated, I feel as though nothing I was doing helped and yet the weight is still coming. It doesn’t help that in this time I have not had taken the time to get back into regular exercise. My body’s just getting a free pass to add on weight.
I feel horrid about this because my personal weight gain is...its like a visual representation of my laziness. I don’t get up out of my computer chair much. I don’t complete my usual tasks such as brushing my teeth regularly or folding my clean clothes when they’re done, or taking care of my hair. I don’t draw near as often enough to produce the new things I want to have at my table. I sit and stare at my computer screen or the wall for hours at a time feeling helpless, stuck in a trance of self sabotage picking my lips or ripping at my hair.
Suddenly needing to snack on food when never wanting or needing to in the past, choosing to eat the wrong things and watching myself let these things happen. My self discipline (if ever I had any to begin with) eroding away to nothing but someone acting on pure emotion; unscheduled, untimely, a complete mess.
At some point before I reached the near 180, I was at a con and some customer as they were leaving called me beautiful. I was taken aback mostly because I was running around a lot, looking frumpy and disheveled. Hearing that at first I was somewhat happy but I thought to myself, “maybe they were just being nice. Maybe they were just giving me a pity compliment to hang on to for the moment. I can’t look anywhere near decent right now?”
I still think about that moment and how I still can’t take what they said at face value. This whole time, even right now, I feel disgusting. I feel gross. I feel terrible waddling around from my room to the kitchen or from my car to a building and just being aware of how much I’ve changed.
On another note, I’ve been prescribed medication for my add and depression. At first the add medication was doing wonders for me. I was alert, excited to learn things, actually dived into websites doing research, reading things and talking about the things I’ve learned. It was exactly the clarity I felt I didn’t have on my own.
I’ve gone through 2 different anti-depressants, the first of which seemed to do nothing for me whatsoever except give me bouts of intrusive thoughts of death. This one I’ve been on now helps me sleep through the night 85% of the time, but mostly makes me feel groggy and incapable of staying awake unless I take the add meds. Which now, said medication seems to have lost its effect.
My head is cloudy again, I don’t seek out answers to things I have questions about anymore, I don’t feel near as productive as I once was. I feel worse than before now. But due to the fact that I have a huge aversion to spending money and I’ve had little to no time to seek out alternatives, I’ve just stuck with this less than effective situation. It’s doing me no good and the psyche I see doesn’t seem helpful at all really. She weighs me at each appt and yet she still never said anything about the jumps in pounds!!!
I don’t have many people I can’t destress with; people who I can talk to about things that bother me. My parents are one of the few outlets I have, so they’ve heard much of the things I’ve mentioned here and then some. They are hands down the most important people in my life.
I haven’t told them everything I’ve ever gone through but they know a lot of it. That which I haven’t spoken to them about usually...involved the inevitable, their death. The topic alone is something that haunts me every day. I unintentionally slip into the spiral thinking about what it is what happens when it could happen where do you go and just..I delve so deep that I lose myself. I honestly feel as though I’m no longer part of my body and I’m just floating into an icy pool of desolate despair when I think of these things.
When it comes to that point my mind inevitably drifts to..when they have to go. And...i’m literally sitting here trying to fight back my tears.
It was 3 days ago that we were talking about a lot of things and the original conversation ended on a sour note. Just as quick as I hung up, every single stressful thought or idea or hint of an idea piled down on me and I was losing it. I called them back screaming and crying and completely out of my mind yet pouring every single thing in my heart out to them. The absolute worst day of my life, realizations about how I actually feel about myself, even these fears of death, theirs included, I bawled all of it out to them in that phone call.
An hour spent talking on the phone, 30 minutes showering and spacing out later, I noticed the weight in my chest was almost nonexistent. I can’t say I’m 100% cleared of my feelings, but I am...doing better. I think what had happened is what they call a breakthrough, not a breakdown. I suddenly realized things about myself that I had camoflauged and confused with lies and falsehoods. I said these things out loud and really understood and felt the things I’d said.
I’m here at home with my parents for the week and I think I need this. We talked about getting myself set up with a therapist, something I’d looked into and found potential people but walled myself from following through due to my fears of time and money. I’m hoping I can get that to work because..I think it would help me. I don’t want to delude myself about this and I just hope I find someone who I work well with.
For those of you who decided to read through this all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you skimmed or didn’t end up reading much of it that’s fine. Typing this out was mostly for myself, maybe as a means of closure, I’m not entirely sure. But I think I needed this as well.
Thank you for sticking around with this blog, with me. My absence has a reasoning behind it, as I’m just now realizing the magnitude of my stresses. I will try my best to become better, even if its by the smallest bit. I don’t want to hinder myself anymore. I want to stand up for myself and be more confident in the way I handle the things I do and the way I do it.
I will become a better version of myself. I will work towards that goal and recognize even my smallest accomplishments towards that goal.Hopefully my changes will show.
