Hi I’ve been following you for like 3 years now and (so I feel like a well wisher and hopefully a friend) i hope you don’t mind me asking: why did you and Kyle break up? Only answer that question if you want to. And most importantly how are you doing? Sending lots of love and strength your way❤️✨🌈
hi! i’m not going to explain absolutely everything out of respect for him but i can talk about stuff from my end. there wasn’t just one reason - we didn’t stop loving each other & nothing bad happened or anything like that - it just became too difficult to be together. he’s graduated & is working a 45-hour week & filming on weekends, & i’m in the second year of my physics degree at a uni that is notorious for having a horrific y2 phys course - i’m talking to the extent of driving a student to suicide. i was in 24 contact hours a week + doing a minimum of 20-30 hours of work outside of that, meaning i was always working when he’d come home from work. our schedules & lives just didn’t fit together. on the days i was with him my energy & attention were elsewhere because i still had work to do / was trying to rush us through getting dinner done etc all so i could get enough work done to at least go to bed with him (which was early since he had to get up v early for work). it meant i was always stressed and exhausted and constantly feeling guilty about the way i was treating him, meanwhile he never had a chance to wind down in the time he should’ve been rested since i was always so on edge from trying to work around his schedule, & in my opinion he was very much being neglected by me. like, when i was with him i was there in body but not in mind. i didn’t have the time or space or energy to love him properly; more than that - over the past year all i have had the time to do is study, and then with the couple of hours left in the day i’d be with him. i had…no personality outside of being a physics student / being in a relationship. when he met me i knew myself so well & had so much that i wanted out of life & passions & hobbies & things that i loved & that drove me outside of my degree. i’ve very much lost myself from overworking / lack of time to do anything else over the past couple of years & while i knew he loved me…idk it’s difficult to share yourself with someone when it feels like you have nothing to share. i’m a strong believer in being individuals before being a couple, i think you operate stronger as a unit when you have your own sense of self to bring to the relationship, and i didn’t have that anymore. we communicated a lot about struggling with our relationship in the 3 months before we broke up & made a game plan going forward etc etc - but it got to the point where i realised i was just out of energy. i think you can make any relationship work if you’re willing to put in the work, but i only have a finite amount of energy, & i didn’t have the amount required to work on our relationship AND ensure i was putting all the effort i could into my degree AND have a healthy social life & relationships outside of kyle AND somehow balance hobbies / having some sort of personality (lmao) too. we talked about going through a difficult patch but i realised that it wasn’t going to get any less difficult in the future - he’s going to have a chaotic schedule filming & travelling as his career progresses & i want to move back to london (which he doesn’t want to do) after getting my degree & work in the corporate world. we had the love & respect & friendship & communication, but we had a complete lack of compatibility. i began to really dislike myself because it felt like i was spread too thin to do anything properly, especially loving him, & he deserved far better than what i was giving him. we were a year & 4 months in & it got to the point where i started looking ahead to the future & realised that i wasn’t sure it was going to work out - & i didn’t want us to get to the point where we resented or hated each other for the way life was pulling us in opposite directions. he’s just moved on to a new phase in his life, & it would’ve been so selfish of me to waste his time if i thought we weren’t gonna work out when he could be moving forward, even though i still wanted his love & comfort in the present. i realise that i have just written an absolute monster of an essay and i’m SO sorry but i don’t think i can bring myself to go back and edit it so i’m just gonna leave it.
i’m doing okay. it’s been just under a month now. somehow it feels like it’s getting harder as opposed to easier as the days go on but i take comfort in believing that i made the right decision - for both of us. i still miss him all the time. i think about him constantly. imagining my future without him makes me feel a little sick. but i’m the least exhausted i’ve been in almost two years. i’m starting to feel a little more like myself for the first time in a long time. mainly i’m trying to focus on making sure that i didn’t end things for no reason - a huge part of that decision was realising that i needed to get to know myself again so i am trying use the opportunity to grow & work towards. feeling like my own person again. thank you for asking xxx
