Thoughts on Lycion's identity, species, gender. (CW: mentions of internalized transphobia)
as someone who is trans and has species dysphoria (and whose transness is intrinsically linked to species dysphoria, the human female form being too exaggeratedly human to feel comfortable in) it feels a bit odd when people exclusively discuss Lycion's body dysmorphia as exclusively a trans allegory (which is a perfectly reasonable read! but it can be more than that...) seemingly without much awareness that people who are like him, and especially trans people who are like him in a more literal sense exist... So I figure, as one of those people, I might give some observations on Lycion, along with some anecdotes of my own experience and how it parallels it, how his characterization reflects real-world struggles- both literally and as a trans narrative, and why I appreciate characters like him so much.
What is fascinating (but also so relatable!) to me, both when viewed in a literal sense and as a trans allegory, is that Lycion does not actually have a particular affinity to another species, but rather feels a visceral discomfort with his own elven body.
We even see in his raceswap portraits, Lycion is visibly happier as anything but an elf. Unlike Laios, who wants to become a monster, Lycion doesn't want to become anything in particular, he simply wants to stop being an elf.
Most depictions of transgender characters in media are focused on the idea of wanting to become something. Feeling in your heart you were always meant to be a boy or a girl or perhaps some secret third thing. Having a specific goal. What is less often depicted is the experience of I don't want to be what i was born as, I'd rather be anything else but this. anything is better than this. And, in both my struggles with gender and with my own humanity, this has been my experience!
Of course, there are a great many creatures I look at and think "I would be much happier if i were one of them", but those feelings are broader and less pressing than the overwhelming discomfort with my own body, and the desire to be less human. I aspired to masculinity and ultimately pursued transition not out of a particular affinity with any idea of maleness, but because masculine human features, to me, appear more animalistic, less of a strange naked thing that sticks out like a sore thumb in the grand scheme of things. And so too did Lycion pursue becoming a beastman, not because he felt a particular affinity with being a wolf, but because it would make him less of an elf.
And after pursuing it, even though he still has to spend much of his time as an elf, Lycion is far more comfortable, no longer nihilistic and self-destructive. He's confident, prideful even! He has a body that doesn't feel wrong, even if he can only wear it sometimes.
And, myself having been on HRT for nearly four years now, i have to say my experience has been much the same! Even though, of course, I'm still human, my dysphoria has essentially been eliminated, I feel comfortable in my body, and I genuinely like the way I look. I admire my reflection and find joy even in the changes that i was merely indifferent to the possibility of when beginning my treatment, and it even eased some issues completely unrelated to gender...!
Finally, Laios' dismissal of Lycion's identity here feels very reminiscent of people casting doubt on a trans (most often nonbinary) individual's identity due to transitioning for what they view as "the wrong reason", even at times arguing that only people who meet their personal standard for transness should be allowed access to transition. And like with Laios, who himself wishes to become a monster, these arguments are often coming from within, from others in the trans community.
Is someone who identifies as male because they don't want to be female less justified in their desire to pursue transition than someone who doesn't want to be female because they identify as male...? Should people be denied the right to feel comfortable in their own skin because they are seeking to escape something, rather than reaching for something specific...? Of course, you know what my answer is, but I digress.
Just got back from my interview, they said it was a formality and that they chose me for the job! They just need to make it official!! I'm finally full time at the library!
I wore some pants I made yesterday and everyone loved them too!
(Ignore the bathroom lighting lol)
I don't even know what to do now, i spent the last few days stress sewing and now i'm just like 😴
Thoughts on Thistle's relationship with Eodio (headcanon+analysis)
It's very easy to assume Thistle never got along with Eodio, since the most prominent interaction between them we see is their confrontation, and i do see that sentiment a lot. But I think it's quite underlooked just how present Thistle was in his life.
I think it's safe to say Thistle did have a good relationship with Eodio at some point, we see them sitting merrily at the dinner table, Eodio having a jovial conversation with his father, Thistle smiling fondly at him. And when Eodio held Yaad for the first time, Thistle stood closer to him than even his own wife. i don't think Thistle was totally distant just yet.
My personal headcanon is that for a long time, Thistle genuinely loved and cared about Eodio, just as much as his parents! Practically viewed him as his own child, even. Which made it so frustrating for him to have so much pressure put on him, being treated like he's not doing enough, when he's doing everything he possibly can. He wants Eodio to recover just as much as Delgal, he really does!
But it's just so hard, and he feels like they don't understand just how painful it is for him to do everything in his power to help and never succeed, how terrible it feels watching Eodio be in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it, all while Delgal is being so short with him, expecting more than Thistle can provide because he's stressed. they're all stressed. Eodio is dying and the kingdom is under attack and he's trying he's trying he's trying so hard but nothing is working.
Which makes it even more hurtful to him to watch Eodio grow up and take his recovery for granted. To be ungrateful, when Thistle suffered and struggled so much to keep him alive.
It's not so bad when he's young, of course, a child isn't going to be the best at expressing gratitude. But when Eodio is an adult and still doesn't seem to realize just how much Thistle has done for him, that (in Thistle's mind) he owes him his life, it sets him off. The boy who he loved so much and did everything in his power to save is now yelling in his face, vilifying him, spitting on everything he's done for him...
...And Thistle is not going to tolerate it.
It's a moment of weakness. And at first, he's really only intending for it to be temporary. In his eyes, Eodio is being a spoiled brat, and he's just putting him in time-out. Giving him some time to cool down and think about what he's done, that's all.
...But he never does bring him back.
Maybe he just forgot, maybe he decided it wasn't safe, we'll never really know. It's a shame they could never mend it.
I think the animosity Eodio had toward Thistle grew fairly late in his life, some time after Yaad was born. He doesn't seem the type to seethe for years upon years without speaking up.
All that said... I really do wish we saw more of their interactions before their confrontation, how Thistle felt about him... I think people would appreciate Eodio much more if we knew... well, anything about him, really! Bit of a shame we don't.
really love whatever thistle delgal and yaad have going on in kui's modern au. In canon thistle and yaad are practically strangers but with the way they're usually drawn together in the few modern au drawings of them i feel like in that au thistle really is just His Scary Uncle (who is just a little cutiepie). although really acting more like a cousin in practice.
And from the gift exchange we know delgal is alive separately from yaad... no idea what eodio's status is in this scenario though. Can the modern au merinis just be a sitcom family where everyone past delgal's generation is alive and thistle is like their stewie griffin (im sorry for saying that. thistle doesn't deserve this kind of treatment)
(half delirious) my postcanon thistle & falin scenario is kind of cruel to both of them. need to write it but suffice to say: 5-10 years later when thistle becomes functional enough to have awful emotional outbursts falin (on an entirely different continent) discovers that she is very much still soulbonded & emotionally linked to him as "his dragon". when he's distressed she's distressed. initially just feels vaguely restless for reasons she doesn't understand but once she finally understands the cause of this feeling she finds herself compelled to come back to him and it's a very unhealthy thing going on that neither of them really want but she feels compelled to orbit him. she wants to be free but she feels like she has to be by his side. tethered down. vying for his approval out of some strange compulsion. they're both kind of miserable. it isn't something sweet or beautiful it's something kind of festering and sickly
compensating for this with the good ending: mid-40s falin and mostly recovered thistle going on adventures together :)
Decided to organize some of my headcanons on Fleki's life and mentality pre-canon, and how it may parallel Lycion's own past. Bear in mind this is all headcanon, and mainly written from a shipping perspective, but it can still potentially be read as platonic (albeit codependent)
Heavy trigger warning for discussion of suicidal ideation, starvation, substance abuse, and codependency, along with a passing mention of vomit (if that bothers you)
I imagine Fleki's life before the canaries paralleled Lycion's life pre-"transition" in many ways. Lycion canonically mistreated his body out of self loathing. Letting himself be beaten, abusing substances, all manner of self-destructive behavior with an underlying feeling of if i'm lucky, this will kill me. Fleki, in her own way, is quite similar.
I imagine Fleki spent much of her life homeless, barely eating and blowing most of her money on drugs. She has an addiction, not the sort where one has terrible chemical withdrawals, but rather an emotional dependence on drugs to feel any semblance of happiness. Flying far above the world that she hates and seeing the vivid beauty of what she considers the "real world", that's her escape. That was the only time she ever truly felt alive.
She's reckless with it, as well. Tripping alone in alleyways knowing she might vomit and aspirate and die alone with nobody to give a damn about it, and being just fine with that possibility. She doesn't exactly want to die, not actively, but she would welcome death if it came for her.
It's not until she meets Lycion that she really feels like there's reasons life is truly worth living. That she gets any sense of self-preservation beyond pure instinct.
Lycion was able to fix himself, but Fleki needed him to fix her. She's dependent on him to a degree. He takes care of her because she doesn't care enough to do it herself. Doesn't care about eating, doesn't care about drinking water, doesn't care about her own safety. But he makes her happy, sober or not. And that's something very rare for her.
And just like her, he too thinks the world is shit, but she is the light that makes it all feel worth it. They're both emotionally dependent on eachother, but Fleki is more dependent on Lycion, even though Lycion takes their relationship much more seriously.
Fleki is playful, boisterous, and finds humor in everything, but she's still a deeply, deeply broken person. And he picks up the pieces.
I love Thistle & Delgal's bond so dearly, but I also think that even in a perfect world where things never got so dire as they did, their relationship would still be very codependent and unhealthy in a variety of ways. Even from childhood and into adulthood, I don't think they're capable of truly holding eachother accountable. No matter how much Delgal hurts Thistle, no matter how much Thistle hurts Delgal.
It's always "He didn't really mean what he said", "It's really my fault he hit me, I was being stupid.", "He was just having a bad day. Everyone has bad days!". They only ever have the heart to blame themselves.
...They do usually apologize of course, they always feel terrible about it when they realize they've done wrong, but they can never really admit when they're the ones who've been hurt. Both sides tucking their tail between their legs in the aftermath. It's never his fault. It's never his fault.
